I want to be a Stobart lorry driver

https://soundcloud.com/robertdgarnham/i-want-to-be-a-stobart-lorry

I want to be a Stobart lorry driver.
I’d be able to back it in to any space.
I’d operate the clutch
Like nobody’s business,
Just waiting till deliver my load.

I’ve got a spare seat in my cab
In case I decide to bring a mate.
We’d park up in Gordano services
And play Top Trumps
Who’s got the biggest one?
Hanging round outside the toilets
Playing with the change in my pocket.

I want to be a Stobart lorry driver
My trailer full of Kit Kat’s and mayonnaise
Gritting my teeth in traffic jams
Like a constipated Smurf
Peeing in to an empty Lucozade bottle.

I want to be a Stobart lorry driver
With my aching buttocks
Phoning the missus on speakerphone
Hurling abuse against a wanker in an Audi
Sorry love, that wasn’t aimed at you.
Hello? Hello? hello?

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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