Edinburgh Fringe Diary, 2019

I’ve always loved performing at the Edinburgh Fringe. In fact, as a performer, there’s something almost symbolic about going there every year. Sure, it has its drawbacks. It’s busy, noisy, expensive and achingly middle class. It’s a long way from Devon. It takes hours to get to. And the accommodation every year is hit or miss. Every year I get excited about going to Edinburgh, and then while I’m there I think, gosh, I’m having a really miserable time, and I worry about getting enough people in to see my show, and I worry that my show is any good, and I worry about reviews, and I worry about the logistics of flyering and making it to other shows, and then when I get back home again I think, wow, that was actually a really fun time.

Edinburgh acts every year like a shop window on the spoken word world. It shows what people have been working on for the last year. It demonstrates all the latest trends and subject matters. It demonstrates to promoters and other performers that you have a product which they might like to book for their nights. Yes, you can get work out of going to the fringe, but most of all it’s about finding audiences, and making connections with audiences and ordinary people who might then follow you on social media and build up a buzz or, in the case of 2019, buy you some shortbread biscuits.

I spend every year putting a show together with the aim of taking it to the Edinburgh Fringe. The whole process usually starts the previous autumn, after coming back from that year’s event. Because of this, the show I put together is usually a reaction to the one that I’ve just performed, sometimes influenced by the shows that I’ve seen while there. Often I try and come up with something that nobody else has done. In 2018 I performed an hour long poem / piece of storytelling called In the Glare of the Neon Yak, which I still believe is one of the best things I’d ever written, but the trouble with Yak was that there wasn’t much space for the audience to show their appreciation, and I never knew how it was going until the end. Yak won lots of plaudits from those who watched it because it was so different to everything else on show that year. It wasn’t autobiographical, it wasn’t imbued with heavy themes, and while it had emotion and atmosphere, there was an underlying current of comedy and cabaret.

So for the next year I wanted to do something a little different. And I came up with the idea of a show which was all about the one theme: having a cup of tea. I spent the autumn working on the show, which would eventually be named Spout, and I was really happy with the outcome. The thing is, it became oddly autobiographical. I’d always intended to write about my Grandmother for the show, but during the writing process my Aunt suddenly became a character, too. As it happens, she had passed away just before I’d started writing the show, as had my father. So my Aunt became one of the characters in the show too.

There were lots of silly poems and set pieces about tea. There was a rap about tea. There was a section where I danced in front of a teapot. There was a section where I tried to throw a tea bag over my shoulder into a cup. There was a long piece at the end set to music in which I conversed with a future version of myself. I was really happy with the show, and I performed it in Torquay and Exeter as well as at the Barnstaple Fringe, Guildford Fringe and Reading Fringe. It all seemed to be going rather well.

I applied to the Edinburgh Fringe thinking how comfortable it would be chatting to members of the public while flyering with this show which had a really simple premise. And then the company which I used could only fit me in at half nine at night. So it was competing against all the rowdy comedy and cabaret shows. I would subsequently discover that the venue was a very noisy nightclub with paper thin walls between performance spaces where my little show about tea would be completely drowned out by what was happening nextdoor. And the sorts of audiences I envisaged – the usual Robheads and the demographic that the show was aimed towards – were probably put off by the idea of venturing out at half nine. The show would definitely have benefitted from an earlier start time.

The show would also have benefitted from some publicity, too. Due to various logistical reasons, the company that I’d used for the fringe had forgotten to include my show in their publicity material, and nor did it feature on the board outside the venue where all the other shows were listed. In effect, I was performing the show ‘blind’, literally unleashing it on an unexpected city. Add to this my absolute hatred of flyering, and you can see that the show was destined to fail.

While I was there, I kept a diary, and this can be found below. So, fasten your seat belt, and prepare to be taken back to 2019!

Day One

I usually fly to the Edinburgh fringe. I usually fly for two reasons. The first is that it’s cheaper than the train if you can book it ahead in time. The second is that it only takes an hour to fly from Exeter to Edinburgh. However, as you may know, I absolutely love flying. I love everything about it, the sheer impossibility of an object heavier than air floating through it, the raw power of the engines, the speed of take off and landing, the weird noises the flaps make on landing, and, with the Dash 8, the disconcertingly bumpy landing. But I didn’t fly this year. Feeling an environmental conscience telling me that this was not good for the planet, I decided to get a train.

And maybe, perhaps, for all those times in the past, the planet bit back.

I started out at six in the morning, walking to the station in Paignton with all of my luggage and then catching the local service to Newton Abbot. Things were going great so far and I even had an idea for a poem, which I wrote as a draft as the train chugged its merry way through the South Devon countryside. At Newton Abbot I transferred to the long distance service to Birmingham. Now, the slightly interested and ironic fact of this is that the train was going to Edinburgh, but the booking office and the website assured me that if I got off at Birmingham, I’d be able to catch a faster train that took the west coast line, whatever that is, getting me in to Edinburgh at two in the afternoon. Sure, why not!

The journey was marked by my decision to listen to as many Laurie Anderson LPs as possible. I managed two. My attention was taken by the machinations of an old lady two seats ahead of me. Travelling alone, she became insanely jealous of the seats that other people were in, and would come and stand over them. ‘Will you be sitting there long?’, she would ask. ‘Yes’. ‘Oh’.

She then decided that she wanted a table seat. A young man was sitting at a table working on a laptop. ‘I’d like your seat’, she said. ‘When are you getting off’. ‘Glasgow’. ‘Oh’. And every time the train started to slow for a station, she would be up again hovering over this young man with his laptop. ‘Just checking to see if you’d decided to get off here’. ‘No, I’m going to Glasgow’. ‘Oh. Oh, never mind’.

The train started to get packed so she then came over to me and asked me to get her luggage. Sure. I did so. She then plonked it on the seat next to her at the window side, and employed the tactic of sitting on the outside seat, so that nobody could sit next to her. It was all most amusing.

At Birmingham I transferred to the train to Edinburgh, the west coast line special. Feeling pretty smug, I found a great seat and even contemplated opening the small bottle of red I’d bought the night before, wondering if it was socially acceptable to swig from the bottle, having nothing to pour it in to. By now it was getting on, it was almost eleven o clock in the morning. I’m not sure of the etiquette for swigging red wine for a bottle on a west coast line train at eleven in the morning, but decided not to. Perhaps, I pondered, this is better than flying after all.

And then the planet bit back. At Preston station the train manager announced that the service was terminating and that we would have to ‘de-train’. Apparently the line was flooded further north, and we would not be able to get to Scotland on the west coast line. We all spilled out onto the platform and I had no idea what was going on or where I was meant to go, and I even wondered if I might try to get to Manchester Airport and fly the rest of the way. A rather harassed gentleman in a high viz jacket pointed me towards platform six, where I’d be able to get a train to Manchester, from where I might get a train, as he put it, ‘north’. I thought I was already in the north, but there you go.

The only trouble here was that trains kept arriving which had to terminate, and passengers were ‘de-training’ all over the place, and the trains to Manchester kept shifting from platform six, to five, to four, then back to six, so I spent the next hour hauling my luggage from platform to platform and just missing trains to Manchester, because they were hidden by the bigger trains that were terminating.

The train to Manchester was standing room only, and I stood in the vestibule with a young family from Manchester who had three young daughters in pushchairs, and a sullen teenage son called Ed, who they didn’t seem to care much about at all. Ed just stood in the corner looking sullen while the parents entertained the young kids. I felt for Ed. A friend of mine has just had her lips made bigger so that she can pout better in her Instagram pictures. I told her that she could pout for free. Ed would have given her a good lesson in pouting.

At Manchester I took the first train I could find to Newcastle. Amazingly I managed to get a seat. And the atmosphere was most jovial indeed. I sat with a party of pensioners who were going to the fringe but had got split from the rest of their group, who were taking an alternative train to York instead of Newcastle, and they were racing one another, keeping in touch by mobile phone having all had to de-train at Preston, too. They got off at York, and then three young ladies got on who were had been out on the town in York celebrating their friends wedding, and they were absolutely plastered and yet good fun, chatting up the young man sitting next to me, and the young man in front of me, and the young man across the aisle from me, and the young man at the end of the carriage, and the young man who was the train manager. They didn’t speak to me, though.

At Newcastle, I had half an hour to spare to get a cup of tea and was served by an incredibly cheerful young man. I’ve only been to Newcastle once before but was quite taken with how cheerful everyone there seems. This young man in the station cafe kind of reminded me that maybe, when I retire, it’s Newcastle where I’d like to live.

The train to Edinburgh was quite crowded and the train manager kept coming over the speakers to say that people could get off at Berwick upon Tweed if they liked, and catch the train behind ours, which probably might not be as crowded as this one. Amusingly, at Berwick upon Tweed, nobody moved. By now I was very tired.

Eventually arrived at Edinburgh at seven in the evening, thirteen hours after setting out. I hopped into a taxi and we drove through the city. We passed a young man walking along the pavement dressed as a clown. ‘My god, did you see that?’, my taxi driver said. ‘He was dressed as a clown! I mean, what the hell is all that about, eh?’ I would have thought that a taxi driver from Edinburgh would be used to such things during the fringe, or at least somewhat blasé.

So I arrived at my accommodation around half seven. My room looks out at Arthur’s Seat, and just as I glanced out the window, the most amazing thunderstorm commenced. It seemed a fitting welcome. 

I’ve now had a good nights sleep and I am getting ready for a day of flyering and meeting friends and perhaps seeing a show or two. Due to administration errors, my show is not listed anywhere so it feels like a secret show, a show that doesn’t exist, which will make it incredibly hard to get anyone to come and see it, but it at least takes some of the pressure off.

So yes, I’m here, now, and come on Edinburgh, it’s time to work your magic!

Day Two

It rained, today. It rained like you wouldn’t believe. And I mean that. You wouldn’t believe how much it rained in Auld Reekie today. It was a relentless deluge which lasted all day, persistent and it made everything moist. As I walked into the city from my university accommodation I thought, well, there’s no way I’m flyering in this. I hate flyering at the best of times, but when you’ve got a show that has no publicity whatsoever, and it’s so wet that your fliers are going soggy while they’re still in your backpack, it all seems even more unnecessary.

And yet, what other method is there of getting complete strangers to come and see a show about tea?

The town was gloomy. Like a teenager whose come on holiday with his parents. Like Ed on the train yesterday. The old tenements and bridges leaned in frowning, like an old lady confused by an iPad. The rain ran in the gutters of Cowgate and actually came up from the drains. I’m sure that drains are meant to work the other way. For a short while there was a fountain in the middle of Cowgate, as the water came up and sparkled in the headlights of the taxis and ambulances. It was oddly beautiful.

I went and caught up with Melanie Branton and we chatted in her town centre accommodation about flyering tactics, exit flyering and street flyering, and the shows that she had seen, and it was great to spend time with her. It was also great to be out of the rain. I then went to my venue, the Bar Bados complex, and stuck up posters around the place advertising my show, which at the very least made me believe that I was achieving something tangible and proactive.

And then I tried some flyering. Jeez, it was impossible. Within minutes my flyers became a soggy mush of paper and cardboard. I gave up very easily and went to watch Sez Thomasin’s excellent and thought provoking show about diversity and representation in the NHS, and then stayed in the same room to watch Melanie Branton’s incredible show about class and her background, delivered with her trademark passion, enthusiasm and warmth, humour and emotion.

At this point I really should have done some flyering, but instead I went for a pizza with Melanie in an Italian restaurant in Grassmarket, the most defining features seeming to be a stained glass mural representing stereotypical Italian images, such as a Vespa scooter, the Alfa Romeo logo, the colosseum, and, I swear, Sylvio Berlusconi. And the man at the table next to us had a soup and when he went to put some pepper in, the top came off and pepper went absolutely everywhere. ‘Would you like another soup?’, the waiter asked. ‘No,’ he sighed, ‘I’m fine’.

And then I did some flyering. And Melanie helped. And she was brilliant, in the torrential rain and the dim and gloomy Cowgate area, chatting and stopping people and generally showing me how to do it. I’m sure that this would have worked much better if the weather wasn’t so awful. Twenty minutes to go, I went up to my room and chatted to Jemima Foxtrot, who told me that there’s a ghost at the venue and at Banshee Labyrinth called Molly, and if you don’t get an audience, you perform your show to Molly, and she gives you good luck for the rest of the fringe. It seems a better idea than flyering.

And the show? I had an audience, which was a bonus, so no need for Molly. And I think I performed well. There’s a section in the show where I try to throw a teabag over my shoulder into a tea cup and for the first time ever, I actually managed it.

I’m writing this the next morning and it’s actually quite sunny out there. I’m looking forward to doing some flyering with dry flyers and a potential audience who haven’t got their hands full with umbrellas. It’s going to be a long week, but I’m happy to be here, and, honestly, I feel privileged to be in the festival at all.

Day Three

It takes a very short time to get into the swing of Edinburgh, the routines and places for flyering and the shows that need exit flyering and the methods of flyering and the hours spent flyering and the strategies for flyering and then having small audiences because you haven’t flyered enough.

Today started out weird. There are a lot of musicians staying at my student accommodation and as a special treat they decided to put on an impromptu spur of the moment concert. So a youth orchestra set up in the ground between the student flats and had just started but then had to stop because the bin lorry needed to get through. The Albert Hall this ain’t.

Later on a similar thing happened. I stopped to watch a street acrobat, he had a huge crowd around him and he was doing something very impressive involving a tightrope and some juggling, but nobody was paying the slightest attention because a lady had had rather too much to drink and was having her can confiscated by two police officers. And I tell you, she was kicking up such a stink. Shouting and screaming and yelling and everyone was watching her and she was getting far more attention. The acrobat almost fell off his tightrope.

One of the pleasures of Edinburgh is that every now and then you might see someone famous. Eddie Izzard once tottered on a cobblestone and almost crashed into me while running across a street once, a few years back. But today, I saw Paul Merton, a comedian I have admired for a very long time. And a cunning plan took hold. I would give him my flyer! And I would invite him to Spout! And he would come along and like it a lot and tell everyone, and before long my show would have audiences of a hundred or so. But instead I babbled something incoherent like, ‘I’ve always been a fan of your work!’, and he said, ‘Thanks’, and I said, ‘Have a good afternoon!’, and he said, ‘Thanks, I will’, and then we both stood there in silence for a couple of seconds, until I said, ‘Well, i’d better be off, then’, and thus ended my brush with fame.

I did a show today with poetry and folk legend Rob Barratt. We had been given odd slots around the schedule to fill in for people having a day off. We got to our venue only to find a comedian setting up in our room. She had had yesterday off by mistake, instead of today, and was firmly intent on doing her show today anyway, even though the room had been scheduled for us. Seeing that she was not exactly in a position to do her show, alas, she relented, and the room was ours. Amazingly, this was Rob’s debut at the fringe, and he was excellent, funny and as whimsical as ever.

I went for a hot drink at a trendy drinks van next to one of the squares. Tea please, I said. Sorry, we don’t do tea. Oh, coffee then. Ok, sure, that will be four pounds. How much?! Four pounds. OK, here you go. I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t take coins. And just wait at the end of the counter, please. Fabian will make your coffee, he’s a coffee artisan and it should only take six minutes . . .

I’m back at my accommodation this afternoon. I’m having a few hours off before flyering, time I’m using to rehearse poems for the BBC poetry slam tomorrow night, in which I shall be losing in the first round, hopefully doing a valiant job as the oldest competitor. So I’ve been running through my poems and timing them, standing in the window and suddenly realising that everyone must be able to see me, gesticulating madly like a bad politician. Even the bin men looked up, at one point.

Day Four

The Edinburgh fringe is hard work. It’s a fourteen hour a day job mostly spent out of doors. The flyering is conducted in a sea of humanity, people from all over the world in anoraks and raincoats, holding umbrellas aloft, wearing earphones, desperate not to get flyered. It’s physical and it’s relentless. There are hills everywhere, and cobbles. It’s impossible to walk in a straight line because of all the hills and the cobbles and the tourists but every now and then you might meet someone who seems genuinely interested in what you have to offer.

Yesterday was possibly my best ever day at the Edinburgh fringe in six years or so. I flyered all morning with Rob Barratt for our show at Banshee Labyrinth, which is my favourite venue in Edinburgh just for its sheer quirkiness, but also because the performance space is amazing and atmospheric. Nervously, with five minutes to go, we hung around outside the venue and it looked like there was nobody interested. Rob went inside to prepare our space, when a group of people arrived for our show. And what a show we put on! Rob whipped the audience into a frenzy with his audience participation poetry, and my material went down really well too, and we made such a great atmosphere that I wished every show could be like this. We were funny, whimsical, charming, non threatening and generally made everyone feel great, and that made me feel great, too.

I spent the afternoon in my student accommodation rehearsing for the BBC slam, in which I was entered thanks to the raffle system they employ. This meant that I couldn’t do any flyering until twenty minutes before my actual show. I arrived at the slam, met the other wonderful poets including the amazing Carys Hannah, and took a deep breath, and went for it. As luck would have it, I was drawn last, and for my first poem I did Beard Envy. And the audience seemed to like it a lot! I got through to the next round, amazingly, during which I was first on, and I did, ha ha, the Orgasms poem. Once again the audience seemed to love it, and afterwards I did think to myself, gosh, have I just gone to the BBC and spent three minutes talking about orgasms? Alas, it was not good enough to get through to the final, but I had an amazing time and it really made me feel upbeat.

I then hurried over to my venue and did a frantic twenty minutes of flyering, fully expecting that I would be going home early with no audience, and I didn’t mind, as I was pretty exhausted. My flyering was somewhat interrupted by the spectacle of watching a man dressed as a clown drive his Nissan Micra into the pedestrianised zone and get pulled over by the police. I wondered if it was the same man dressed as a clown that I had seen with my taxi driver on that very first half hour in Edinburgh. Perhaps I’m being stalked by him.  Amazingly, I ended up having the best audience of my fringe so far! How on earth does that happen?

Amazingly, a lot of them had come specifically to see me. How they found my is anyone’s guess, as I’m not in the Free Fringe brochure, but they’d seen me at various gigs all around the UK, in Cheltenham, Wolverhampton and Swindon, and they told me afterwards that they even quoted the Fozzie poem to each other at odd moments. This made my day, as it proves that there are Robheads in places other than south Devon.

So I did the show and it was probably my best performance yet. And it made me feel amazing! The audience lingered around afterwards to chat, which is always a good sign.

I was on a bit of a high as I walked back to my student accommodation. It had been such a good day and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep.

It’s the next day now, and I’m writing this while I’m waiting for my laundry. Even when things are going well, the mundanity has to be acknowledged.

Day Five

And then before you know it the fringe experience is almost at its end. I only have two more shows to do and one guest spot and then that’s it. The end of Spout, for now, and I can start looking forward to doing poems about things other than tea. That’s going to be such a bonus. I’d almost forgotten that anything else existed as a potential for poetry.

I’m writing this in a crowded bar at midday having just seen Melanie Branton’s lovely kids poetry show, Rhyme Marmalade. And that’s the amazing thing about Edinburgh during the fringe, you can end up seeing anything and whatever your friends might be doing, rather than reading about it later in social media.

I had one of those days, yesterday, during which I was walking around the city almost all day. I tell you, I was knackered by six in the evening. It was my fault, really, as I’d spent the morning doing my laundry at the student accommodation and half of that time was figuring out how to load credit on to the card that one needs to use the washing machine. And that left me with less time actually to get out and do the things I needed to do.

And one of the things that I needed to do was to go over to the new town area and appear at an LGBT cabaret show at eleven o clock at night. Only it was due to start twenty minutes after my show ended. So I did a dry run, choosing the route and finding the venue so that it didn’t come as a nasty surprise when I had to do it for real. I then discovered that I’d left some bits at my student flat that I needed, so that meant a walk across town in the other direction to fetch them. It was one of those days.

So I only had the time to see one show, and that was Dominic Berry’s show at the Zoo venue, and I loved every moment of it. Dominic has always been one of my favourite performers and a personal influence so it was great to catch up. I won’t give anything away about his show, suffice to say that it is brilliant, funny and meaningful all rolled into one.

So, then. Two more days of flyering. Two more days of Spout, and the sound bleed coming from the room next to my venue, where it sounds like someone is being murdered every night. And then a thirteen hour train journey back to Devon followed by work the next morning. Oh well.

This bar is getting crowded now with people coming in for the next show. Apparently the performer of the next show has a party of office workers who’ve pledged to come along, and she’s also been on the radio publicising her show. There must be fifty or sixty people in here. My average audience has been two. . .

Onwards, as they say, and upwards.

Day Six

So today is already my last day at the Edinburgh fringe. As always I’m going to feel very guilty leaving tomorrow morning. Guilty knowing that so many of my friends and my new friends will still be here, working away and worrying and celebrating and commiserating and I’ll be on a train going back to Devon, hopefully. Or stuck at Preston again.

This is my sixth time at the fringe. I started out with Dan Haynes in a show called Poetry Ping Pong, and since then I’ve brought Static, Juicy, In the Glare of the Neon Yak, and of course, Spout and The Two Robbies. I also had one year doing guest spots at other people’s shows. And that year was the best. It was totally worry free!

I went flyering today. And I met some very interesting people. One lady pointed at my flyer and said, ‘oh wow, it’s you!’, like this was the most amazing thing ever. And then I met a gentleman who was very excited because he had just seen Eddie Izzard walking along the street. ‘I saw Frank Skinner the other day, too’, he said. ‘And I told him a joke! It goes like this. Why shouldn’t you wear Ukrainian underpants? Because Chernobyl show. Ha ha ha! Do you get it? Chernobyl show. Yer-nob-will-show! Ha ha ha! Do you think he will use it in his act?’ I told him that he might do.

My audience yesterday was amazing. Not only was it my biggest yet, (if you include me, then it was in double figures), but a couple from Leith came along, and they had seen me last year. Indeed, they’d come especially to see me, which was totally amazing to know that I have fans in so many parts of the country. And after my show they gave me a packet of Scottish shortbread as a present. How many other performers get presents from their audience, I wondered.

As soon as my show was done I had to scoot across town to a cabaret where I was doing a guest spot. While I was doing this, the most amazing torrential rain storm erupted. I had to shelter halfway at a shop awning because the rain was so intense. I think it would have been dryer to stand in a shower, that’s how intense the rain was, and the street became flooded within less than a minute. I was joined by a party of young men who were obviously out on the razz, and as the rain intensified they took off their t-shirts as they surrounded me. And I was thinking, hello, this is a nice day at the office. I’m sure they might have taken off more had it been even wetter.

So it’s been an amazing week and as ever, I have no idea how I’m going to go back to normal civilian life. This has been a week of amazing memories and wonderful people, and apart from the train dramas at the very start, nothing has gone hideously wrong. And will I be back next year? If I can get my head around flyering, and actually enjoy it, then yes, definitely.

Postscript

There’s a deep irony in that last paragraph. Looking back from the perspective of a couple of years, during which there has been a pandemic and a lockdown and all sorts of uncertainty in the entertainment industry, it all felt like a dream. But the irony is that I’d written the phrase nothing has gone hideously wrong. For a start, I was putting on a show which wasn’t even mentioned in any of the fringe publicity material, not even that published by the organisation running my venue. And secondly, the very day after writing the phrase nothing has gone hideously wrong, someone stole my luggage.

I made several pledges to myself that autumn. The first was to make sure that everything was prepped and ready, and that included publicity and flyers and travel arrangements. The second was that I would never again trudge up to Edinburgh, or any other fringe for that matter, with props.

But what strikes me the most is the camaraderie and the friendship of those I met, and the wonderful shows which I watched, and the way that I managed to put a positive gloss on absolutely everything. Perhaps that’s my nature as a person. I’m sure that the world is filled with good people.

Edinburgh means a lot to me. It’s where I had my fifteen minutes of fame, thanks to the one-liner from my show Juicy being published in the newspapers. It’s also where I’ve met most of my friends.

In 2020, at the height of the pandemic, I wrote this blog:

For the last couple of nights I have dreamed about the Edinburgh Fringe. I can’t remember what the dreams entailed, but there was definitely cobbles and drizzle and small theatre stages crammed into implausible locations. The cancellation of everything this year, including Edinburgh, has been pretty hard to take as a performer who relies in the most part on an audience. But most of all, it’s the communal madness and annual pilgrimage to Auld Reekie that I’ve found myself, oddly, missing much more than I thought.

I say ‘oddly’ because last year, absolutely everything went wrong. Last year was my sixth year as a performer and my eighth fringe in all. The adventure started when the railway lines got flooded on the way there and I arrived nine hours late after various detours taking in Birmingham, Preston, Manchester and Newcastle instead of my original train which should have taken me straight there. I arrived to find that my show had not been included in the Wee Blue Book or on any of the signage at the venue, and then the venue itself had the toilets overflow because the sewage pipes had been inundated. One day I arrived at my venue to find a comedian setting up, they had assumed that the room would be empty because they had taken the wrong day off by mistake. And then on the way home, someone stole all my luggage. In spite of all this . . . I decided I wanted to go back the next year.

Edinburgh means a lot to the structure that I give to my year. I start writing a new show in November or December the year before, and then rehearse it up till April, when I unleash it on the world. I then do the same fringes every year : Barnstaple, Guildford, Reading, GlasDenbury, culminating in a trip up north. The whole year is structured around this timetable.

But Edinburgh means a lot more, too. It really is like a convention of spoken word artists and performance poets. People who you only usually see on social media are there, and a community exists of like minded people sharing tales of flyering and accommodation. Some of these people have become very good friends over the years and it’s always somewhat emotional seeing them for the first time in a year. It’s also a great training ground, where you can hone your show and watch as many other different types of show as you can fit in. The inspiration I get from going every year lasts me a very long time and helps me experiment and push the boundaries. My last two shows wouldn’t have existed without seeing other shows.

And yes, Edinburgh is hard, physically and emotionally. I don’t know who decided to build a city right on the top of an extinct volcano where it rains most of the time and all the streets are cobbled. And you’re competing against thousands of other shows. And flyering itself is soul-destroying. I’m really no good at it. Yet the highs are extraordinary – slam wins, big audiences, great feedback, and of course, that miracle year in 2017 when I ended up on the radio and in all the papers, certainly outweighs the bad days where you get an audience of one, or you get absolutely drenched for eight hours a day.

I was looking forward to this year. I was going to do a ‘Greatest hits’ package which required minimum props and I’d found some great accommodation, and I was hoping to do everything right. Well. maybe next year, now.

And that’s if next year happens at all. The economic landscape may look very different by then, but I’m hoping there will still be a chance to go back up. With the exception of the town where I live and the town where I grew up, Edinburgh is the place I know the best, having stayed and performed all over it for most of the last decade. I simply can’t envisage not going there for two years.

A Quick History of Tea

Here’s an excerpt from my audio show, Spout. It’s an hours comedy and poetry and silliness about tea.

You can watch it right here, if you like:

Spout

A show about tea

Spout is an hour show featuring poems, comedy and songs all around the theme of tea. If you’ve ever enjoyed a cup of tea, or are a coffee drinker eager to make that leap, then Spout is the show for you! Spout is sure to create a stir.

Meet Robert’s gran, who’s very fussy about how she likes her tea. Meet Aunt Rosie, who likes to sing while she’s boiling the kettle. Hear the harrowing story of the sexy barista and a date at a museum of smoke alarms. Learn about Tea Astrology, and what to do when someone says, ‘Thirsty work, this’. Also, learn about the history of tea, and how it unites people. This whole show will make you see tea anew!

Robert Garnham is an award winning LGBT writer, humorist and performer from Surrey. He has been long listed three times as spoken word artist of the year and has featured in TV advertisements for a certain building society, as well as Britain’s Got Talent. Spout is his ode, his love letter, to this beverage of kings, this everyday magic potion, tea!

Audio

Spout

If you’ve enjoyed listening to this show, or would like to buy me a coffee, (!), my tip jar is https://ko-fi.com/robertgarnham

Capability Brown


Capability Brown

Capability Brown
dance for me wig boy
flatten those hillocks
never touched a shovel in his life

Capability Brown
I salute your pastel gilet
drain that lake
I left my mobile phone in the charabanc

Capability Brown
call that a scrotum?
turf over that peat bog
I gravitate with sadness to your clinical arboretum

Capability Brown
no lover of fungus
undulate that grassy knoll
you told me to grow edible herbs, such sage advice

Capability Brown
here comes a mallard
duck!
aiyeeeek yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk
oh it was a seagull 

Capability Brown
I salute your pastel gilet
Flatten those hillocks
you were born in 1716, no wonder you’re dead

Capability Brown
here comes a mallard
Turf over that peat bog
never touched a shovel in his life

Capability Brown
call that a scrotum?
drain that lake
you were both in 1716, that’s just after quarter past five

Capability Brown
shoving shrubs in your underpants
Rearrange that copse
I gravitate with sadness to your clinical arboretum

Capability Brown
he’s the dog’s bollocks
flatten those hillocks
The trouble with French is that they haven’t got a word for
entrepreneur

Capability Brown
no lover of fungus
undulate that grassy knoll
someone threw cheese at me, which wasn’t very mature

Capability Brown
I salute your pastel bollocks
drain that mallard
every time I paint the skirting board I get very emulsional 

Capability Brown
Rhododendrons in your y-fronts
can I prance on your lawn?
I gravitate with sadness to your clinical arboretum
I gravitate with sadness to your clinical arboretum
I gravitate with sadness to your clinical arboretum

Arboretum?
I only just met ‘em.
Capability Brown!
What a tosser.

The Good Life


The Good Life

There was nothing else on.
i was watching a documentary about 
The Good Life.
Not on how to live the good life,
But the 1970’s TV sitcom The Good Life,
But as I say,
There was nothing else on,
So rather than ponder in silence my own
Innate sadness and the crushing loneliness
Of existence,
I thought I’d watch it.

At least it will kill half an hour.
Something mildly diverting.
They showed some interviews with celebrities
Laughing conveniently at the clip
They just showed.
Jonathan Ross thought that Margot falling in the mud
Was comedy gold.
James May liked the bit with the pig.
Just before the advert break, as a teaser,
They show Margot saying, ‘Well thank you, Tom’,
While the narrator said,
’And there was one cast member no-one got on with.
Stay tuned to find out who that was’.

My curiosity piqued, after five minutes
Of adverts for sofas and stairlifts,
(My god, they know their demographic),
Came the second part.
Richard Briers apparently didn’t like vegetables
And Susan Colman thought
Tom cleaning out his own chimney with inevitable
Soot-based complications
Was comedy gold.
As a teaser for the next part,
They show Margot saying, ‘Well thank you, Tom’,
While the narrator said,
’And there was one cast member no-one got on with.
Stay tuned to find out who that was’.

How long is this programme?, I pondered.
Part three started with Felicity Kendall
Talking about dungarees
And Sir Trevor Macdonald
Thinking that the episode in which a donkey
Got stuck in the shed
Was comedy gold.
As a teaser for the next part,
They show Margot saying, ‘Well thank you, Tom’,
While the narrator said,
’And there was one cast member no-one got on with.
Stay tuned to find out who that was’.

By now it’s been an hour
And it shows no sign of stopping
And there’s been no mention yet of the
Juicy gossip or even of Margot saying
’Well thank you, Tom’.
Jo Brand came on to say that
The episode in which Tom
Gets kicked in the goolies by a cow
is comedy gold.
As a teaser for the next part,
They show Margot saying, ‘Well thank you, Tom’,
While the narrator said,
’And there was one cast member no-one got on with.
Stay tuned to find out who that was’.

And now it’s been an hour and a half
And I’m worried that I’ve stumbled into another dimension
In which I’m cursed to watch a documentary 
About The Good Life
For the rest of time.
And the Archbishop of Sodding Canterbury comes on and says
The episode in which a sheep is sick
On Margot’s shag pile rug
Is comedy gold,
And I’m thinking I don’t care,
I never watched it
I never liked it
I just want to find out which cast member they didn’t like
I’m sitting here watching this crap
What does that say about me?
As a teaser for the next part,
They show Margot saying, ‘Well thank you, Tom’,
While the narrator said,
’And there was one cast member no-one got on with.
Stay tuned to find out who that was’.

And there are more adverts for dandruff medication
And a vacuum cleaner that picks up invisible dust
And I think, if it’s invisible dust,
Then how do you know when the bag is full?
And the sodding documentary is back on and finally
They show the clip of Margot saying,
’Well thank you, Tom’,
And the audience hoots like it’s flipping hilarious
And finally oh so finally
The narrator says
‘And there’s one cast member that nobody got on with’.
And it turns out to be the fucking goat.
The fucking goat.
Two hours of my life I sat here waiting for this.
I want to throw the TV out the window.
Two bloody hours.
The fucking goat.
And the bloody thing ends limply with the end credits.
Nobody got on with the fucking goat.

I turn the TV off.
And I sit there for a bit.
I’ve learned a valuable lesson.

Bill and Justin : An Excerpt from my Work in Progress Novel, Exeter, June 2026

Last night I read the opening of a chapter of the novel I’m working on. It was a fun night and I had a great time. I hope you enjoy this audio extract from a project that has taken over my life for the last few months.

Let me know what you reckon.

Photos by David Lloyd

Wrapped up in Fiction : The Madness of Insincerity

No doubt you’ve realised that I haven’t been performing much of late. There are many small reasons for this, though the urge to perform remains as strong as ever, as does the enjoyment I get from it. At the beginning of last year, my day job role changed considerably, which means lots of daily travel and a level of uncertainty as to where I shall be on any particular day. In such a way, without booking days off, (of which I get a modest amount a year), I could not commit to being able to turn up at gigs, and the time that I would normally spend rehearsing, (early mornings before work), was now taken up with early morning trains and waits at station platforms.

On top of this, I now had to spend time away from home in hotels in small towns throughout the south of England, some of which I’d never heard of before. (Midsomer Norton?! They just made that one up, surely!). What this meant was that yes, I had less time to rehearse and faff about with props and learn lines, but it did mean that I had much, much more time to write.

You may know that before I was a performer, I was a writer, and that was all I ever wanted to be. When my school friends dreamed of playing football (or cricket, as I was brought up in Surrey), I only ever wanted to be a published writer and win the Booker Prize instead of the FU Cup.

About three years ago, I started work on a novel which resurrected a character I’d created when I was 12 years old. The character is called Bill. Bill started as a skier who solved crimes in his spare time, (yeah, I know). The first Bill story was written around 1985. By 1990, Bill was now a detective, (his skiing career was over), and I wrote the Bill stories all through my teenage years. I then promptly forgot all about him for thirty years. This new story, Bin, was about Bill’s efforts to get a recycling bin for his new flat, and that’s all that happened in the novel. It was more a test, so that I could get back into writing Bill stories, and seriously, it was like we’d never been apart.

Two years ago, using the tricks I’d learned with Bin, I started a new novel, which I hoped would be a hymn to seaside towns. Red Sand was the result, a novel in which Bill had come down to the seaside to spend time with his old friend Ed, (who was also in those teenage stories), only to find that Ed had gone missing. I’m incredibly happy with Red Sand, particularly its unusual premise in which the whole novel is narrated by Paignton Pier, who is a character in the narrative in their own right.

Last year, I applied to the Curtis Brown Creative novel-writing course with Red Sand, and wouldn’t you know it, I was chosen. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful class of fellow students online and an amazing tutor in Suzannah Dunn, the author, who was very encouraging and who absolutely loved the novel, and in particular, Bill as a character. Her enthusiasm and kind words certainly made me think that I had the beginnings of something I could work with. She even contacted me when the course finished requesting a copy of a certain chapter which, she said, had stayed in her head long after the course had finished, which I took to be a very good sign.

Red Sand is now finished, (or at least, this draft of it). But I knew I could do better, and write something, well, easier to sell. Over the last few months an idea for a novel came to me, employing the tricks I’ve learned from Bin and Red Sand, and especially from the Curtis Brown course and my fellow students. I am currently working on a new novel called The Hibiscus Throne, again with Bill as the main character. I don’t want to give too much of the plot away, but it is ostensibly a romantasy fiction which plays around with the genre, with lots more going on under the bonnet. I’m currently deep in the writing of the first draft, churning out sometimes 2000 words a day and, as any writer of a novel will tell you, the characters live in my head constantly, vying for attention and commenting on the world around me.

My day currently looks like this: I get up at five, and write from six until eight. At eight, I go to the station and I catch a train, and I get a table seat on which I then pump in another half hour of writing. I work until five, catch a train home, have dinner, and then do another writing session from seven until nine. I’ve been doing this for the last two months, mostly ensconced in the narrative and writing, writing, writing. Every weekend I go and visit my mother in Brixham, and I spend the whole day writing again, in a room at the back of her garage which I previously used for rehearsing poems.

I cannot wait until The Hibiscus Throne is finished. I have never been interested in romance or fantasy, and while the premise of the story means that it is not really either, I do enjoy the ‘world building’ aspect of it. And I can’t wait for people to see it. It’s quite a departure from my two existing published novels, Reception and The Neon Yak, both of which are still out there.

So, will I get back to performing? Yes, I miss it dreadfully. I miss the people and I miss my poem friends, and I miss having an audience and immediate feedback. Writing often feels a solitary pursuit, somewhat insincere, but I kind of love the madness of that insincerity. Over the last few months I have exchanged letters with a very well-respected and famous writer in which he has imparted some amazing advice not only about what it is that we do as artists, but on life in general, too, the solitary nature of writing, and the worlds that we create.

My desk, 2026

Professor Zazzo Investigates 13: Kafka’s Soup

The chance to buy Kafka’s soup was just too good an opportunity to miss. The fact that it had been discovered after so many years was a small wonder in itself, but the department, no doubt mindful of the envy which would sweep across our rival institutions knowing that they could have  such a valuable commodity for themselves, decided at once to stump up the cash. Professor Zazzo Thim was dispatched to Prague.

          He arrived during a thunderstorm. The lightning played around the concrete tower blocks which stride so confidently down the hills around the suburbs of the city. Thim found lodgings at a former communist hotel and, from his window, watched as the lightning flashed and forked across the premature evening sky. Already, he could feel that something was amiss. He didn’t know exactly what it was, but it was as if the thunderstorm was heralding something deep down, some bad news. He did not sleep well at all.

          When he woke, a bright sun filled his room, and a little of his enthusiasm began to come back. The room was decorated with old, flowerry curtains and wood panelling, and the windowsill was taken up by a gigantic radio which was bigger than the average television.

          When he went to the bathroom for a wash, he pulled the plug and watched, incredulously, as the water came out of the bottom of the basin on to the floor, and then down a drain in the middle of the room. Thim felt that he was in another world

He reflected once again on the reasons why the department wanted to buy the soup. A new professor in the science wing wanted to scrutinise the soup so that he might find traces, embedded in the remains, of Kafka’s undoubted genius, that such intellectual DNA’ might be reconstituted and used to further the aims of mankind. Indeed, a list of volunteers had come forward already, that they might be implanted with Kafka’s ‘intellectual DNA’, that it might help them with their writing or their general view of the world. Secretly, Thim shuddered to think of a hall full of Kafkas, moping about the state of the human condition, but he had a job to do and he was always professional in his outlook.

          He went down to breakfast and met an American tourist by the name of Arlene. They shared a table and they got to talking about their different jobs, and it turned out that Arlene worked for a company which published romantic fiction, and that she was there to try and open up a new market for her employers. Arlene was a jovial lady with false eyelashes and an infectious belly laugh. She also had an annoying habit of slapping the professor on the back when she emphasised a point.

          “What do you think about that, eh, Zazzy?”, she roared, slapping him mid-shoulder. “Haw haw haw!”

          The Professor couldn’t remember what kind of point she had been making, but there was something about Arlene which comforted him, and he wondered if it was possible to spend more time with her.

          “The thing is”, he said, somewhat croakily, “I’m here to make a purchase for my university. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have such worthy and important work to do, I might be inclined to spend more time with you”.

          “Purchase?”, she asked, “What kind of purchase?”

          Thim took a deep sigh. 

          “There has long been a school of thought that intellectual vigour might be transmitted by close proximity to objects utilised by those of a particular literary bent. I have come to Prague”, Zazzo announced, “In order to buy Kafka’s soup”.

          “Huh”, she said, snorting back a laugh. “Can’t be arsed with all that!”

          “I can assure you”, he continued, “That the soup shall be a most valuable commodity. If it wasn’t for this, I’m sure we would have a remarkable future together”.

          “Well, Zazzy”, said Arlene, as she got up from the breakfast table, “Some things just aren’t meant to be”.

          The Professor went about his duties and was taken into town by taxi so that he might view the fabled soup. He looked at it, where it was on display in the museum protected from the general public by a glass screen, and he thought how remarkable it was that such a relic should survive for so long. But the more time he spent in the company of the hallowed soup, the more he started to think about Arlene, and remember the fun that they had had just by sharing breakfast. When he left the museum he managed to secure a place in the front row at the following day’s auction, but the moment he left the room, he had forgotten that the soup had even existed

          Arlene was holding court in the hotel bar that evening. A drab, sullen waitress with her hair tied back served Zazzo unsmilingly, though Zazzo would hardly have noticed if she had. immediately, he went and sat on the periphery of Arlene’s group, close enough to hear the phlegm rattling at the back of her throat. 

          “So I said to them”, She continued, “If that’s a side of beef, my dear, then I think I’ll stick to the moose!” And then came that familiar laugh. “Haw haw haw!”

          The surrounding men laughed appreciatively and Zazzo joined them, though he was upset to see Arlene demonstrating as much joviality to these complete strangers as she had done with him that very morning. The men were all of a certain age – younger than Zazzo, smarty-dressed, tanned, knowingly handsome. Zazzo felt out of place and he looked down at his old jacket and moth-eaten pullover.

          Of a sudden Arlene hooted: ‘Oh my! If it aint my old good friend, Zazzy!” She stood up, waddled across the bar, and flung her arms around him.

          “Hel-lo!”’, Zazzo croaked

          “My my!”, she said, letting go of him at last. “Did you buy the soup?”

          “Not yet” he replied.

          She half-turned him to the rest of the group. “This is my old friend Zazzy”, she said. “He buys food and makes writers who are grumpy, or something like that. You should talk to him, he’s a laugh and a half!”

          Arlene’s assembled throng began to disperse, mumbling under their breath. She took hold of Zazzo’s hand and took him over to the corner.

           “Now”, she said, “Let’s have ourselves a bit of quality time, eh?”

          “Yes”, said Zazzo, “That sounds rather pleasant”.

          ‘Let’s shoot the breeze. Let’s have ourselves a little chinwag’.

          Zazzo nodded eagerly. Neither of them said anything for a very long while. A light rain began to fall on the bar window, distorting the image of a nearby tower block so that it seemed almost ethereal, like a Christmas tree.

          “Well”, Zazzo said, “The, um, the modern propensity for… literary experimentation…seems to have subsided of late, wouldn’t you agree?”

          “Oh, yes, yes”, Arlene replied. “Totally”.

          There was another, agonisingly long period of quiet.

          “Though I can only see this”, said Zazzo, “As a bad thing”.

          “Totally”, Arlene said. “Totally”.

          Arlene drummed her chubby fingers on the table, while Zazzo, sadly, looked at his own reflection in the glass window. The rain was coming down heavy now, and he wondered what it was he might be able to talk about.

          “In the course of your job”, Arlene said, “Do you get to read much romantic fiction?”

          “No”, he replied.

          And now a very long section of quiet lasted almost until bed-time.

That night, he could think of no-one else but Arlene. He saw her as a commentary on his life so far, the fact that he might be able to dream of a cosy union but never actually commit to the niceties and the jovial harmony which necessarily came with such a partnership. Late night trams rattled his hotel room, and he wondered if he would get another chance with Arlene, another opportunity to demonstrate just how much of a man he could be. Before long he realised that sleep would be quite impossible, so he went for a walk.

          Outside the hotel, the surrounding tower blocks loomed down on him like concrete robots.

          He walked around the grounds, over grass lawns and the car park, as a full moon revealed itself above and shone down a lunar glow. He sat for a while on the bank overlooking the main road, and he watched the cars as they made their way into the city. Of a sudden, he realised what he might do.

          He went to the hotel reception shop, where a display of Arlene’s romantic fiction had been installed the previous day, and he bought a copy of ‘Stud Lover’, a cheap novel set on a dude ranch somewhere in western America. The hero was a rugged man named Brad, the object of his desires was a southern belle named Nancy. Zazzo sat on a leather armchair in the lounge and read the whole book in one sitting, reading frantically as Nancy fell for the wrong man, then saw Brad leading his horses to the stream, then fell for Brad, then watched aghast as Brad and her old boyfriend, Tim, had a duel, then spent a night of passion with the saintly Brad and listened as he eulogised the beauty of the open plains, the thrusting mountains, the moving power of the desert. At once Zazzo recognised that Arlene associated masculinity with landscape, and that he would try to do the same the very next day.

He slept late and missed breakfast. At lunch she came in and sat down at his table, giving him a sweet smile, but saying nothing. He knew she was thinking of their conversation on the previous day, so he cleared his throat.

          “My dear Arlene”, he said, “What beautiful eyes you have”.

          She looked up at him, slightly mistrustful. “I’ll have the fish chowder”, she said to the sullen waitress.

          “When I see you”, he said, “I begin to think of… of the landscape of my native Thames Valley”,

          She frowned, and leant back in her chair.

          “The … the wooded vales, the wide plains, the industrial estates around the western fringes of the airport”.

          “Hmm?” she asked.

          “The miles and miles of rolling countryside, the sun setting over the council houses, illuminating against the red sky each individual chimney pot – and oh, the incessant rumble of traffic on the M25″

          “Uhrrr…”, she said.

          “The thrusting, penetrating hills of the Chilterns, the long, straight, inexorable line of the Waterloo to Basingstoke line …”.

          There was a period of quiet, and then Arlene threw back her head. “Haw haw haw! Oh Zazzy, stop, stop! This really is too much! Where did you get such corny language?”

          “From… from your book”, he whispered.

          “Honey”, she said, “I could never respect anybody who actually read that crap”.          And at this, she stood up, patted him twice on the back, and left the table.

          Naturally, Zazzo was devastated, not least when her lunch turned up and he had to pay for it. He watched Arlene leave the restaurant and he felt a piece of him die, quietly, a part of his need in life disintegrate. And then he knew what the thunderstorm had been about: it had been the death of his companionship, the final fling of his heart before it settled, once and for all, into a life of quiet subservience.

And then he remembered the auction, but it was too late. The soup would have been bought, and he had failed, there was nothing he could do. He would have to go back to his institution empty handed, a failure once again, a laughing stock.

          Unless . . .

          He reached out towards Arlene’s fish chowder.

Two weeks later the university unveiled the culmination of their scientific model. One of the Professors made a moving speech about progress and about recreating the ethos and the mind-set of a literary genius. He then thanked the volunteers, and, laughingly, wondered if they ought to thank him for their new personalities, that they would progress far and write such beauteous prose now that they were embedded with Kafka’s intellectual DNA. Indeed, he continued, perhaps this might be the start of a new intellectual rigour at the university, that the solemnity and weight which Kafka took to his life might be applied now to every aspect of thought and circumstance at the facility.

          At this the curtain was pulled and the stage was filled with ladies dressed in floral dresses who, en masse, on seeing Professor Zazzo Thim, shouted:   “Zazzy! Coo-eeee! Zazzy! Haw haw haw!”

          The experiment was not deemed a success.

Where’s my FIFA Peace Prize?

I also deserve a Fifa Peace Prize, and I’ll thump anyone who says I don’t.

          All of my friends want a Fifa Peace Prize, too. We were in the pub the other night. We sat around talking about the Fifa Peace Prize and Doug said that he was the most deserving because it’s been three years since he’d last hit someone over the head with a coffee table. I told him that such an aversion to violence was commendable. But I deserved it more because, for me, it was five years since I had last coffee tabled someone.

          That’s how it is with friends, you can be open about such matters. It really does pay to talk. Mumbling John said that he had given all of his relatives Fifa Peace Prizes. Apparently, they made pretty good door stops. You can wedge a fire exit open with a Fifa Peace Prize, he opined, especially those with a spring-loaded hinge mechanism. Doug then told him that there were probably knock-off Fifa Peace Prizes out there, made of cheap metals and available widely on the counterfeit goods market. And they almost came to blows, the two of them. 

          ‘Stop it, lads’, I said, ‘there’s no reason to fight’.

          They then accused me of saying this just so that I could be in contention for a Fifa Peace Prize.

          Mumbling John then pointed out that his sister Vocal Sue sold items online and made a living from it, that her garden shed was stocked full of the latest fads, trends and crazes. The deeper she goes into her shed, the different layers of such trends she comes across. The most recent layer is Labubus. If she goes further back, then it’s Tickle Me Elmos. Right at the back of her shed is where you find her tamagotchis. Soon, she reckons, another layer will be added of Fifa Peace Prizes. She calls herself an archeologist of the present moment, which is quite literary for someone who once said, ‘I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous’.

          I then suddenly remembered that I hadn’t checked in on my tamagotchi for about fifteen years, which made me feel both guilty and undeserving of a Fifa Peace Prize.

          We started talking about what we wanted for our next birthday presents. We always buy each other gifts. Mumbling John said that he would be okay with socks, or some cheap after shave, or a Fifa Peace Prize. Doug said that he didn’t want anything too special, perhaps just an Amazon voucher, or a Labubu, or a Fifa Peace Prize. But before they could ask me what I wanted for my next birthday, Doug suddenly felt it necessary to yell at the man at the next table, ‘What the bloody hell are you staring at, mate?’, which was his traditional precursor to a punch-up.

          ‘Come on, lads’, I said, ‘no need to fight’.

          ‘You’re only saying that to get a Fifa Peace Prize’, Doug replied.

          ‘No I’m not’.

          ‘You bloody are!’

          ‘Want to fight about it?’

          ‘That’s more like it’.

          The old reverse psychology. Tensions lifted. We’d half-raised ourselves out of our seats, but then sat back down again. Neither of us could be arsed. Which got me wondering if the ultimate deterrent for world conflict is genuine and widespread apathy.

          And this might well have been the case on this occasion, were it not for the fact that I felt obliged, at that moment, to flick the end of his nose.

          The man on the next table threw back his head in laughter. So at least I was bringing joy to the world.

          It was Mumbling John who calmed us down. ‘Hey lads’, he said. ‘Watch this’.

          He picked up a plastic straw and placed it in a glass of lemonade. An optical illusion made it appear as if the end of the straw was disjointed.

          ‘See that?’, he said. ‘That’s a demonstration of light refraction.’

          ‘Fascinating’, Doug said.

          ‘Remarkable’, I replied.

          We both looked at the straw in the glass of lemonade and neither of us felt like escalating our violence. Even the man on the next table was interested.

          At that moment, the door opened and some representatives of Fifa entered the pub. They approached our table, and Mumbling John’s face lit up.

          Could it be? Were they about to . . .

          A fanfare sounded and a silence fell across the boozer. Every head swivelled in our direction. The horse brasses hanging from the old oak beams glistened in the glare of the mobile phones recording the impromptu ceremony.

          ‘Congratulations’, one of the officials said, lifting up a huge trophy and placing it on the table in front of Mumbling John.

          ‘What is it?’

          ‘The Fifa Physics Prize’.

          He looked at it, a little sadly.

          ‘Thanks’, he said.

Mr. Bassman – A Poem

Mr Bassman

Oh Mr Bassman,
you’ve got that c-certain s-something
when you go . . .

Believe it or not
that was my dad’s favourite song.
he used to sing it all the time
when we were kids.

Oh Mr Bassman,
you’ve got that c-certain s-something
when you go . . .
A-aye yi
a-aye yi aye yi

I had no idea what it was about.
Neither did my sister.
neither did my dad.
what even is a bassman?
I was too young to know much about music.
I just thought it was a man
who really liked skirting boards.

Oh Mr Bassman,
you’ve got that c-certain s-something
when you go . . .
A-aye yi
a-aye yi aye yi
I wanna be a bassman too.

I think he only sung it to us
because it had weird sounds in it.
The only other song he sang a lot
was
I’m late, I’m late,
for a very important date.
no time to say hello goodbye
I’m late I’m late I’m late.
But Mr Bassman.
Oh, Mr Bassman was the thing.

Oh Mr Bassman,
you’ve got that c-certain s-something
when you go . . .
A-aye yi
a-aye yi aye yi
I wanna be a bassman too.
Bur b-b-bur b-b-bur b-b-bur b-bur bur

I was listening to the radio.
It was Sounds of the Sixties
presented by Brian Mathews.
(‘This is your old mate Brian Mathews saying,
that’s your lot for this week,
see you next week’).
And he said,
The next song is from
1961
And it was a minor hit for Johnny Cymbal
and it’s called
Mr Bassman,
and seriously,
it was like a kick in the goolies.

And the song started.
and the song played.
and the song came out of the radio
and all this time I’d thought it was just a song
that my dad had made up
and all the time I thought it was a piece of genius
that my dad had made up
and I tell you that a small piece of my childhood
suddenly dissolved.

but the more I listened,
the more I thought, oh, he’s doing it wrong.
Johnny Cymbal has cocked it up.
Johnny Cymbal is singing the wrong words.
This is nothing like the song my dad used to sing.
this is not how the song goes.
this is not how the song goes.
THIS
is how the song goes.

Oh Mr Bassman,
you’ve got that c-certain s-something
when you go . . .
A-aye yi
a-aye yi aye yi
I wanna be a bassman too.
Bur b-b-bur b-b-bur b-b-bur b-bur bur
BUR BUR BURRR B-B-B-BURR BURR!

(Pause).

Anyway,
Just thought I’d tell you that.
I’d better be off, now.
I’d better be off.