So I often get asked to write poems about issues and an issue was recently brought to my attention. I usually write about human rights and political matters but in this case I was asked by the Plumbing Standards and Water Supply Appliance Regulatory Commission to promote a campaign raising awareness of the contamination and pressure issues which come with unregulated backflow systems. The trouble was, before contacting me, they’d been watching videos of American slam poets, you know, those really big-voiced shouty ones. So they asked if I could grow a beard and wear a check shirt and come up with a poem for them.
He said, It’s there all the time, That drip drip drip, That rhythm which colours my life, This drip drip drip Like my life is a hip hop, It’s a drip hop It’s a drip drip drip It’s a clogged drain in a chip shop Like a clock tick tock counting down The seconds to the next time I have to do the washing up. And he’s tired. And he’s got a strange stain on his trousers, A kind of waxy residue.
He said, no pressure. I said, How dare you tell me there’s no pressure! You have no right to tell me that there’s no pressure! I’ve known pressure since before you were born. I’ve walked under stormy skies. I’ve asked such questions, the where’s and why’s, Life can be a disappointment but it’s seldom a surprise You can see it in my eyes You have no right to tell me that there’s no pressure! And he said, I meant water pressure.
He said, The pipes, they rattle, Like the plumbing in France. You never get a chance. It’s like a Broadway musical, You should see the tap dance. It’s a hotspot, it’s like hopscotch, I’ll show you where you can find the stop cock, Start a stopwatch I’ll time you It’s insanity It’s you and me, I said, It’s a violation of regulation six Slash four seven dash three, You see.
Because Because Because The two of us Brothers in arms Brothers with arms We can fix this leak together And be ever so clever Don’t tell me whatever The world is improving This really is moving But I tell you what isn’t moving - The water in these pipes. Don’t tell me you haven’t used an isolation valve. Don’t tell me you haven’t used a tap back nut spanner. Don’t tell me you don’t know your way around a pipe vice That’s not nice Like cooking a chicken tikka And then running out of rice Don’t you understand This stanza is so long I might possibly pass out!
Huhhhhh! (Pant!) The way I passed out from plumbing school. I ain’t no fool. Pass me that pipe deburring tool. But you, You’re a tap squirty bloke, You’re a basin filling jerk You’re a water meter cheater You’re a low flow joke And me? I ain’t going sixty foot down a well To fix a pipe, I ain’t plumbing the depths!
It’s heart skipping It’s reality tripping And all because the pipes are dripping I’ll leave a gap now For some audience finger clicking.
And now the emotions Are getting to me. Because no one understands that I need To
Tighten
A
Nut.
Let’s not succumb to the backflow. It’s a blowback. Like a distant memory, a throwback. Everything has been inverted, Like getting hot water from the cold tap. Like that time I managed to persuade my life coach On a change of career. He’s now a chiropodist. And me? I’m an optimist. And you? You’re a Sagittarius, And this? This? Needs no wonder Nor hearts to plunder This is going to take more Than a sink plunger
And it’s why We need Industry regulation in the plumbing and water supply Appliance sector.
That’s it for me now It’s the end of the poem Because just like the pipes I’m drained.
In the Glare of the Neon Yak is a rip roaring piece of spoken word storytelling set on a sleeper service in the middle of winter. A train full of circus performers are being stalked by a mysterious entity which seems to mean more than just its eerie manifestation. A portent, an omen, the Neon Yak symbolises dark times. Will our hero find love? Will Jacques, the tightrope walker, get back together again with his ex, the circus clown? Does the secret of the Neon Yak lie in the hands of a randy old lady? Has the buffet car run out of sausage rolls? Will Tony the Train Manager find where they’ve put Carriage F?
An hour show combining poetry, storytelling and music, In the Glare of the Neon Yak is by turns delightful, magical, disturbing. It’s a veritable modern fairy tale!
I don’t get asked to do workshops very much. But every now and then someone will say, oh, hey, erm, someone cancelled, is there any way you can lead a workshop on humour in poetry? Below you will find the notes that I use when I’m doing one of these.
Due to dyslexia, workshops aren’t something that I feel comfortable providing, because I can never successfully answer any questions which might come up. So I have these notes with me which I read from. I hope you find them useful!
Finding the Funny (and what to do with it when you’ve found it)
This workshop gives us a snapshot on how to formulate ideas to use in poetry (or comedy) and how to expand on a theme. The second part of the workshop covers the attitudes we apply to those themes.
The purpose is not to create deep philosophical page poetry. That can take months and possibly years, though it may be a start along that route.
By its nature comedy has the ability to say more than can be said through serious poems, or at least, gives the poet a platform in which they might easily bring to the surface serious themes. These themes can then be explored in a comedic manner, for example, homophobic bullying, gender expectation, heteronormativity.
However comedy is only funny when you’re punching up. If you’re in a minority or an under-represented part of the community, comedy poetry can be a way of connecting with a wider audience, because everyone enjoys a laugh no matter what your background.
Punching down, though, is not funny. It’s downright mean and it enforces stereotypes.
While this workshop might not necessarily result in a fully-formed completed poem, it will hopefully give you the tools and the impetus to get working on something funny and compelling.
So what is performance poetry? What do you understand by that phrase? (There are no wrong answers).
Discussion five to ten minutes, possible discussion points:
A juxtaposition of ‘high’ art of poetry and it’s usual ‘serious’ tone with the mundane, therefore elevating the mundane to high status.
The surprise which comes with elevating the mundane to high status.
Saying what nobody has ever noticed, but through a poem.
Saying what everybody has always noticed, again, through a poem.
The communal fun of a shared experience, including content, rhymes, rhythm and the atmosphere in the room which comes from these.
Breaking up the tone of a poetry recital or gig which isn’t necessarily comedy-focussed.
Hiding serious messages and social concerns behind the veneer of comedy.
The surprise which comes with the juxtaposition of rhythms and expectations of poetry and the conversational tone of words and phrases. (Lidls, muffins).
Punchlines and jokes to make the audience laugh.
Exaggeration and attitude.
Creating tension and then relieving it with humour, punchline, tag, afterthought.
Using language, repetition, rhyme, rhythm, repetition, metaphor, simile, repetition, vocabulary and sounds for easy aural consumption.
Non-verbal communication.
Ideas and material generation
Pick a subject to write about. Tricky, huh? It can be something mundane like turnips or teapots, or something abstract, like ennui or clumsiness. Or a place, or a memory, or a year. Or just an interesting word that you might have heard. Write the subject in the middle of a sheet of paper. (Two minutes)
Add around the subject some free associations, once again ignoring the social editor, and the links can be as tenuous as you like. Just write the first thought that pops into your head. (Five minutes)
Go around the word again and add a second layer of free associations to the first ones. Again, write the first ideas that come to mind. However more than just words, these will be more like statements or ideas. (Five minutes)
Choose one or two of these ‘branches’ and add three, four, or as many new associations as you like. Each one could follow the logic of the last one or it could be an ‘afterthought’ – like a comedy punchline. (‘I like my nephews. But I could never eat a whole one – unless they were served with roast potatoes – however I’m trying to cut down on my carbs’. (Five minutes)
If you’re really lucky, the last association might be a punchline or some kind of method of drawing all of these together neatly. If so, then you’ve probably got the basis of a joke. In any case, you’ve now got the structure of a pretty weird poem.
Just concentrating on one of these ‘branches’, free write a poem, ignoring the social editor.
The social editor is the part of the brain that tells you that you can’t say or write something because it isn’t proper. Part of writing comedy is learning to ignore the little voice that says, ‘Hey, that’s not logical, you wouldn’t find a duck driving a bus’, or, ‘In real life, people would certainly not try and have a conversation with an elephant about prunes mistaking them for a supermarket manager’.
Often when you ignore the social editor, several disconnected themes suddenly connect. Writers have been trying to think of methods to achieve this over the years. Some take to drinking, some take to drugs. My own method is to kind of take my brain out of gear, relax, free-write and see what emerges. (Fifteen minutes)
(Read examples people have come up with, ten minutes).
Attitude
This is the ‘what to do with it once you’ve found it’ part of the workshop.
There are many attitudes that you can take while writing or performing. You can write in praise of a subject, or you can rant against it. You can be angry, venting, quizzical, perplexed, speak from a certain authority, you can be in awe, laughing at it, laughing with it, having fun, or you can be surreal or just plain weird. There are many different attitudes.
Others include : fun, surreal, plain / neutral, angry, ranting, in character, monotone. A lot of these depend on your tone of voice, facial expressions, movements and gestures.
Think about what kind of attitude you might like to apply to what you have written. (Five minutes).
(Let people demonstrate some of their attitudes, five to ten minutes).
Now look at these attitudes again and choose what you would consider to be the complete opposite. For example, ranting might become fawning, fun might become scared, angry could be enthusiastic. Or just pick a completely different attitude at random just to play around. (Five minutes).
(Let people demonstrate some of these attitudes, five to ten minutes).
Robert Garnham 