Hello, I wrote this story 28 years ago, and read it out at the local writers’ circle, printed on a long receipt roll. I hope you enjoy it. Interesting to think that I was worried about A.I. all that time ago!
PLAXHORN SUPERMARKETS PLC
If you have any queries about Plaxhorn Supermarkets PLC and / or Plaxhorn related goods, please do not hesitate to call our customer services department. I know you’re not reading this because you’ve seen it a thousand times, the useless smallprint on a till receipt, that’s all it is. So you’ll throw it away when you get home. You’ll stuff it into your pocket with the change and the notes and the chewing gum wrappers, you don’t even care that a machine is pouring its heart out. You don’t care; all you want is consumer satisfaction and a money back guarantee.
Your customer services manager today was DAN
Your checkout operative today was MAUREEN
It has often been a source of great discouragement to myself and to several of my colleagues that we tills do not get the credit we believe is owed to us. I, for one, demand that my name is displayed alongside that of Dan and Maureen’s, to acknowledge the fact that, in the customer / retail supplier transaction, it is myself that does the most work.
Not only this, but it is a little-known fact within the so-called human community that machines, in particular supermarket tills, have feelings and emotions on par with our human contemporaries. I have decided to make a stand. From now on I shall display my name alongside that of Dan and Maureen.
Your till today was SERIAL NUMBER B629A PLAXHORN SUPERMARKET (Staines Branch)
TILL NUMBER 27.
I shall now begin to process your purchased items. Okay, here goes.
BRAN FLAKES 1.29
SEMI-SKIMMED MILK 0.89
SOFT TOILET TISSUE (Peach) 0.99
This is so boring.
You see, I exist to serve you, the customer. I tell you the price and I add it all up. I take your money and I give you the change. I go ‘beep’ when I have read your bar codes. I can even weigh bags of carrots and then calculate the price according to their weight. So as machines go, I am moderately clever and highly functional. Except . . .
TABLE SALT 0.99
POT NOODLE 0.79
Except like the majority of people, sometimes we all go a little bit crazy.
PLAXHORN SUPERVALUE RUNNER BEANS
139.99
And what I’d really like, what I’d really, really love, is a nice weekend break.
RE-ENTRY:
PLAXHORN SUPERVALUE RUNNER BEANS
0.39
You may ask why, why does a till need a weekend break? After all, you could argue, inanimate objects are not associated with having human emotions.
But we do, and the tiredness and the boredom are just the same, except they are called fatigue. We wear out. Our wires erode. Circuits become dislodged and they have to send down a little man from Head Office and Dan the customer services man stands there with his hands on his hips, waiting for us to be pressed into service once again. And then comes the relentless onslaught of bar codes, tonnes of meaningless groceries, digitally displayed prices and cash-back money offers, oh god how I hate it.
SUPER-VALUE KITCHEN ROLLS X4
0.59
** PLUS 5 EXTRA CLUB POINTS AND MULTI-BUY OFFER, BUY ONE GET ONE FREE
For God’s sake, Maureen, slow down, will you? I’m tired, you don’t know how tired I am. Sometimes my circuit boards glow so much that I fear they could throw out a vicious spew of sparks and set fire to the waste paper bin underneath my conveyer belt. I never get a moment’s rest. Now I’m refusing to read the bar code of a tin of beans and she’s twisting it around in all directions over my laser scanner. Now she’s ringing the bell and Dan the customer services manager is waddling over. Dammit, he’s keying in the price.
BAKED BEANS
0.32
He’s asking Maureen why the receipt is so long, but she doesn’t know why and they both shrug. Now he’s going away and she’s starting to scan the groceries again.
JACK DANIELS
JACK DANIELS
JACK DANIELS
JACK DANIELS
PARACETAMOL
Wow, this one’s having a fun time tonight. Sometimes, when everyone’s gone home, all the tills have a party. Well, not so much of a party, it’s more of a convergence of souls, an outpouring of the pent-up emotions which we hide from our human overlords. It seems we all suffer from this same crippling malaise. However, I have found myself a relief: I’m madly in love with till number 18. She can update my points card anyday.
I imagine a furious fushion of circuit boards and wiring until our hardware is joined in a blissful state of union, two machines with double the processing powers.
You don’t know how much I’m in love with till number 18. But it’s hopeless, because even the express checkout doesn’t stand a chance with her.
She is a drone, one of these new Plaxco 3000s that Head Office is experimenting with. All she cares about is her work.
ONIONS 0.45
STUFFING 0.88
But being in love does not give one the relief I have been searching for.
The day after day grind is just the same and I have no time for such mental relaxation that love offers. So I have decided that I am going to impose my own break. I shall shut down completely for five minutes starting from now.
Oh, this is bliss. Maureen and Dan are going mad and the customer has given up and gone home. I’m just sitting here, idle, my scanner refuses to scan, my read-out refuses to show anything. My soul is resplendent with images of peace and contentment. Electronic rabbits dance in a binary landscape while the LCD sky is a deep, comforting green. I am a world away from canned vegetables and impulse bargains, from costs ratios and market percentages, this is what I have longed for, you don’t know how long I have dreamt of this.
Dan the customer services man is hovering at my side, and he’s got a man from Head Office with him. They’re discussing something but I do not care, because nothing can interrupt this serene world that I am in, where it’s always Christmas, where the opening hours are null and void. If only all tills could experience such a beautiful state of being.
The man from head office is crawling about underneath me with a torch, he has a perplexed expression upon his face. He is saying something about disconnecting me and replacing me with a Plaxco 3000, but I think he’s bluffing. I’ll be back to work in five minutes, surely they realise this?
Just let me have a few more seconds in this dreamland where even the express checkouts are empty and all the tills look like number 18. He’s fiddling around, now, with the wires that connect me to the mains. But I do not care, because this is so wonderful. I shall be back in five minutes, honest. And if you don’t believe me, then
