I don’t like cylindrical things

I don’t like
Cylindrical things
Rolling pins
Hot dogs and
Cucumbers.
The number one.
The tunnel
Under the Humber.
It’s why I could never
Be a plumber.

I don’t like
Cylindrical things
Petrol tankers
Rolls of cling film
Give me the creeps
The front blades
Of a combine harvester
Keep me awake for weeks

I don’t like
Cylindrical things
Courgettes stop me working
Nothing worse
Than a gherkin

I’m okay with a boat
But not with a barge
The wings of a plane are ok
But not the fuselage
It’s looks like a sausage
My whole day is on song
Until I see something
that’s oblong.

I don’t like
Cylindrical things
People think
I’m rude
I cannot do
With a canoe
I’d much rather have a raft.
Toothpaste tubes
Are daft
Pencils are ok
But not the shaft.

I cannot send off for
A poster
If they come wrapped
In a cylinder
My heartbeat goes irregular
And I become less
Than jocular
When I see something
That’s tubular.

I don’t like
Cylindrical things
My sister would hate to see
A spider
I’d hate to see
The large hadron collider
And when my neighbours
Car caught fire
He yelled
Get the fire extinguisher
And I said no
And his car burnt to the ground
And now he won’t speak to me.

I don’t like
Cylindrical things
This includes
Pringles tins
Once you pop
You can’t stop
Only I can’t pop
And All those chimney pots
Ended my career as a
Roofer
I freak out
In the shower
If there’s a loofer

I don’t like
Cylindrical things
Ladder rungs
Rolled up rugs
Sausage dogs
Binoculars
Monoculars
Telescopes
Turrets and other architectural flourishes
Wellington boots with the shoe part cut off

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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