There was nothing else on. i was watching a documentary about The Good Life. Not on how to live the good life, But the 1970’s TV sitcom The Good Life, But as I say, There was nothing else on, So rather than ponder in silence my own Innate sadness and the crushing loneliness Of existence, I thought I’d watch it.
At least it will kill half an hour. Something mildly diverting. They showed some interviews with celebrities Laughing conveniently at the clip They just showed. Jonathan Ross thought that Margot falling in the mud Was comedy gold. James May liked the bit with the pig. Just before the advert break, as a teaser, They show Margot saying, ‘Well thank you, Tom’, While the narrator said, ’And there was one cast member no-one got on with. Stay tuned to find out who that was’.
My curiosity piqued, after five minutes Of adverts for sofas and stairlifts, (My god, they know their demographic), Came the second part. Richard Briers apparently didn’t like vegetables And Susan Colman thought Tom cleaning out his own chimney with inevitable Soot-based complications Was comedy gold. As a teaser for the next part, They show Margot saying, ‘Well thank you, Tom’, While the narrator said, ’And there was one cast member no-one got on with. Stay tuned to find out who that was’.
How long is this programme?, I pondered. Part three started with Felicity Kendall Talking about dungarees And Sir Trevor Macdonald Thinking that the episode in which a donkey Got stuck in the shed Was comedy gold. As a teaser for the next part, They show Margot saying, ‘Well thank you, Tom’, While the narrator said, ’And there was one cast member no-one got on with. Stay tuned to find out who that was’.
By now it’s been an hour And it shows no sign of stopping And there’s been no mention yet of the Juicy gossip or even of Margot saying ’Well thank you, Tom’. Jo Brand came on to say that The episode in which Tom Gets kicked in the goolies by a cow is comedy gold. As a teaser for the next part, They show Margot saying, ‘Well thank you, Tom’, While the narrator said, ’And there was one cast member no-one got on with. Stay tuned to find out who that was’.
And now it’s been an hour and a half And I’m worried that I’ve stumbled into another dimension In which I’m cursed to watch a documentary About The Good Life For the rest of time. And the Archbishop of Sodding Canterbury comes on and says The episode in which a sheep is sick On Margot’s shag pile rug Is comedy gold, And I’m thinking I don’t care, I never watched it I never liked it I just want to find out which cast member they didn’t like I’m sitting here watching this crap What does that say about me? As a teaser for the next part, They show Margot saying, ‘Well thank you, Tom’, While the narrator said, ’And there was one cast member no-one got on with. Stay tuned to find out who that was’.
And there are more adverts for dandruff medication And a vacuum cleaner that picks up invisible dust And I think, if it’s invisible dust, Then how do you know when the bag is full? And the sodding documentary is back on and finally They show the clip of Margot saying, ’Well thank you, Tom’, And the audience hoots like it’s flipping hilarious And finally oh so finally The narrator says ‘And there’s one cast member that nobody got on with’. And it turns out to be the fucking goat. The fucking goat. Two hours of my life I sat here waiting for this. I want to throw the TV out the window. Two bloody hours. The fucking goat. And the bloody thing ends limply with the end credits. Nobody got on with the fucking goat.
I turn the TV off. And I sit there for a bit. I’ve learned a valuable lesson.
Robert Garnham 