Why have your shorts got so many pockets?

Why have your shorts got so many pockets?
Why are there pockets galore?
Who looks at their pockets and thinks, you know what?
I really could do with some more.

Pockets aplenty and pockets sublime
There’s a pocket on each of your knees
Pockets on pockets and poppers in pockets
Now, where on earth are your keys?

Why have your shorts got so many pockets?
Your shorts they must weigh half a tonne.
A pocket on your thigh and two on each side
And you’ve even got four on your bum.

Why have your shorts got so many pockets?
Is it a sign of alpha male maturity?
So much metal, probably best not to wear them
While going through airport security.

Why have your shorts got so many pockets?
Do you carry lots of spanners and such?
I’ve never seen shorts with so many pockets
There’s even a pocket on your crotch,

Zippers and poppers and buttons and Velcro
And poppers and zippers god knows why.
Stand at the urinals desperate for a pee
You’ve forgotten which one is your fly.

Why have your shorts got so many pockets?
Have you really got so much to do?
Or are you a short wearing deadly assassin,
Your shorts being camouflaged too.

Why have your shorts got so many pockets?
Is it something for which you might brag?
‘Look at me with all of my pockets!’
What’s wrong with a carrier bag?

How to keep travelling when you’re in lockdown

How to keep travelling when you’re in Lockdown

The ceiling has cracks their imaginary maps
From the hinterland coving to the lampshade city districts.
I eulogise the bulb, write some light verse,
Have a drink, just a tipple
As I look at the stipple.
Travel is all in the mind
Well it has to be
When you’re in a lockdown.

I perambulated in a nonchalant manner
To every four corners of my temporary manor
Took photos of the sunset
As light glimmered from the tea set
Sipped a fine wine at the washing line
It’s such a fine time
For a lockdown.

The laundry basket has been designated
A UNESCO sight of special scientific interest.
I dived to the bottom from the deck of an
Imaginary boat
Found a vest.
I don’t even wear vests.
Creatures of the deep.
Mysterious creatures of the deep.

You haven’t lived until you’ve gazed at the banisters.
Their iconic skyline more evocative than Manhattan
Each pillar a Corinthian column these stern guards
I bought a post card.

Amid the humid splendour of the tropical bathroom
Balmy fat drops falling from a hot hot sky
Where many a fashion model has poised lips a pouting
I sipped a cocktail and looked at the grouting.

Oh the overriding gentle peace
Of sauntering next to the mantelpiece
Early in the morning to avoid the crowds and their backpacks
I peruse the bric a brac
I think I will come back
Maybe in five minutes time.
With a duster.

From the pouffe to the duvet
To the blanket which is crocheted
To my dinner which is gourmet
It’s a lockdown so I do stay
Right here.
And then when I think that I’ve been everywhere man
I’ve seen the comfy chair man
I’ve hoovered up my hair man
From my first attempt at a haircut.

This flat is a lifeline it feels like a lifetime
It’s feels like a fine time to be in for a lockdown
There’s seldom a fine line between
Distance and downtime
It’s hard to be upbeat when you
Get down for a lockdown.

But there’s a burning desire for travel deep within
Tomorrow I might go out and visit the bin.

I was abducted by aliens

We flew away to Jupiter
Abducted once again
We flew away to Neptune,
Me and my alien friends.
I flew inside their spaceship,
They made me wear a robe.
Take me to your leader.
What are you doing with that probe?

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

We flew throughout the galaxy
In a sexy UFO
It had a space age lavatory
Where a man could boldly go.
It word gets out about tonight,
Who knows, I might be famous?
My name now linked with the things I did
While bouncing around on Uranus.

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

Take me to an alien place
Devoid of intelligent thought!
A hopeless steaming pit of a place
Where all dreams are turned to nought.
A place bereft of hope and life
And no breathable atmosphere.
If that’s what you want they said to me
Let’s go to Lincolnshire.

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

It was a flying saucer though
It looked more like a mug.
Thank you for abducting me,
I said, now give us a hug.
They forced me next at gunpoint
To have sex with an alien device.
Which wasn’t bad for robot sex,
You idiot, they said, that was the vacuum cleaner.

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

Take me to the brightest star
In the vast expanse of space!
And that’s how I met Alan Titchmarsh,
You should’ve seen his face!
As we descended from the sky,
It’s the craziest thing he’d seen!
We lifted aboard some farm equipment
With our tractor beam.

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

Time to take you back, they said,
Your planet has seen many changes
It’s we who built the pyramids
And the Woking branch of Sainsbury’s.
Have you got a message, I asked,
To tell the human race?
Yes, they said, your planet is a mess
And the parking is a total disgrace.

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odysseeeeeee

Couldn’t think of a last line.

I want to live in a caravan

Poem

I’d love to be in a caravan
A caravan for me.
Walking round in my caravan
Somewhere near the sea.
Bending down to watch my head
Making the sofa into a bed
Wake each morning wish I was dead
A caravan for me.

I’d love to be in a caravan
Perhaps on the Isle of Skye.
Freezing cold in a caravan
I’d like to give it a try.
It’s one step up from having to camp
Everything just smells of damp
Wake up in the night with a bad case of cramp
A caravan for me.

I’d love to be in a caravan
A tip top tin top home
Watch the sun rise in a caravan
No signal to use my phone.
It’s kind of like a weird drug
In bed last night I found a slug
Can’t watch the TV there’s only one plug
A caravan for me.

I’d love to be in a caravan
In a splendid rugged location
I’d put the heater on except
I’d die of asphyxiation.
Please come inside excuse the mess
I’m nice and snug though I do confess
To bouts of crushing loneliness
A caravan
A caravan
A caravan for me.