I was abducted by aliens

We flew away to Jupiter
Abducted once again
We flew away to Neptune,
Me and my alien friends.
I flew inside their spaceship,
They made me wear a robe.
Take me to your leader.
What are you doing with that probe?

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

We flew throughout the galaxy
In a sexy UFO
It had a space age lavatory
Where a man could boldly go.
It word gets out about tonight,
Who knows, I might be famous?
My name now linked with the things I did
While bouncing around on Uranus.

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

Take me to an alien place
Devoid of intelligent thought!
A hopeless steaming pit of a place
Where all dreams are turned to nought.
A place bereft of hope and life
And no breathable atmosphere.
If that’s what you want they said to me
Let’s go to Lincolnshire.

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

It was a flying saucer though
It looked more like a mug.
Thank you for abducting me,
I said, now give us a hug.
They forced me next at gunpoint
To have sex with an alien device.
Which wasn’t bad for robot sex,
You idiot, they said, that was the vacuum cleaner.

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

Take me to the brightest star
In the vast expanse of space!
And that’s how I met Alan Titchmarsh,
You should’ve seen his face!
As we descended from the sky,
It’s the craziest thing he’d seen!
We lifted aboard some farm equipment
With our tractor beam.

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

Time to take you back, they said,
Your planet has seen many changes
It’s we who built the pyramids
And the Woking branch of Sainsbury’s.
Have you got a message, I asked,
To tell the human race?
Yes, they said, your planet is a mess
And the parking is a total disgrace.

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odyssey,
I wonder where we’ll go?

Beamed up, zapped up, in a UFO!
A flying saucer odysseeeeeee

Couldn’t think of a last line.

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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