I’ve never once been on a hovercraft

I’ve never once been on a hovercraft.
To be quite frank I’m shocked you even asked.
I’m not that bothered
I’ve never hovered
A friend went once
He’s never recovered
Though many people say it is a blast.

I’ve never once been on a hovercraft.
The sound of it really is quite daft.
It’s got a big skirt
It lets out a spurt
according to some
It makes your fillings hurt
And my buttocks too so that’s both the fore and aft.

I’ve never once been on a hovercraft.
And if I did I’d sit right next to the raft
I hesitate
To see if vibrate
I told my friend Sam
She couldn’t wait
Shall we do it? I asked, yes, she said, not half!

I’ve never once been on a hovercraft.
They’re expensive I’d need to go into my overdraft
The thrills I seek
They’re kind of meek
I hope it doesn’t
Spring a leak
And then my god there’d be an terrible drought.

I’ve never once been on a hovercraft.
It’s chilly I’ve heard I’d have to wear a scarf.
A sleepless night
It doesn’t seem right
Why the hell would I go
To the Isle of Wight
Just sit on the cliffs and point at it and laugh.

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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