Monthly Archives: May 2020

My grandad is a drag queen

My grandad is a drag queen
He goes to lots of shows
He sings Aretha Franklin
Badly, through his nose.

My grandad is a drag queen
Wearing glittery frocks
He’s only short but he looks quite tall
By standing on a box.

My grandad is a drag queen
My gran at first was aghast
Ten years ago she said it was a phase
And it probably wouldn’t last.

My grandad is a drag queen
I’ve seen his act, it’s riotous
He has them dancing in the aisles
Depending on his arthritis

My grandad is a drag queen
With his perfect comportment
High heels and a sequin dress
While digging in his allotment.

My grandad is a drag queen
He hits the club dance floor
He twists and vogues and breakdances
He’s just gone ninety four.

My grandad is a drag queen
He says it’s a nice little earner
He enters contests, shows and things
As Tina Afterburner.

My grandad is a drag queen
I know it’s not traditional
Sashaying to the shops each day
To buy his Werther’s Originals.

My grandad is a drag queen
He gets on stage and kills,
Lip syncing to I Will Survive,
Which he won’t if he’s not taken his pills!

My grandad is a drag queen
He really couldn’t look any cuter
In a sparkly sequinned dress yesterday
At the shops in his electric scooter

My grandad is a drag queen
He makes me feel such pride
He’s fierce and cool and glamorous
But he’s still my grandad inside.

The Farting Wizard

He exudes magic.
He exudes spells.
He exudes smells.
He’s the farting wizard.

Hocus pocus
Abracadabra
Someone grab the
Air freshener
He’s the farting wizard.

He can make anyone disappear
He can make anyone vanish
But there’s no magic involved,
Just a high protein diet
He’s the farting wizard.

He’s more stomach churning than merlin.
He’s more hanky over the mouth
Than Gandalf.
He’s more Harry Potty
Than Harry Potter
He’s ever so fond
Of his magic wand
But I wouldn’t want to see his pants
He’s the farting wizard.

He fights evil.
His farts are evil.
He’s strong and silent.
He’s silent but violent.
He lives a hermits existence
In a cave
I wonder why
He’s the farting wizard.

There’s a certain magic
In the air
There’s something else
As well
He’s the farting wizard.

He’s hardly ever petulant
But he is quite flatulent l
His spells might be virulent
But they’re also pungent.
He’s the farting wizard.

Izzy wizzy let’s get busy
Fluffy guffy let’s get whiffy
He might grant you your wishy
But try not to have a sniffy
He’s the farting wizard.

Last Thursday I needed an incantation
To guard against fire breathing dragons
He lit some scented candles
I said, is that a part of the ritual?
He said no, they were for another reason
He consulted his book and said,
By the grace of magic sublime, be gone!
Foul dragon, be gone!
(Pffffffffffgllllllbbbbbb!)

And do you know, they’ve
Not been back?