There’s nothing more creepy than the Lindt chocolatier

Some things are plain weird, they cannot be explained
Downright odd or unsettling or perhaps completely deranged
Some things fill me with dread or a deep sense of fear.
There’s nothing more creepy than the Lindt chocolatier.

If I don’t see the chap again then that would be too soon
With malevolent intent doth he brandish his big spoon
Gives a knowing wink while he’s grinning from ear to ear
There’s nothing more creepy than the Lindt chocolatier.

I try to live a wholesome life and do just what I can
But often I wake at night simply terrified by this man
I went to the doctors, he asked what’s wrong, I said now listen here
There’s nothing more creepy than the Lindt chocolatier.

I’ve been to places frightening, I’ve walked in dark dark woods
I’ve found myself along at nights in scary neighbourhoods
I’ve been to lots of places with an ominous atmosphere
There’s nothing more creepy than the Lindt chocolatier.

I dreamed I found the perfect man as cute as cute can be
And sensitive too with an undercurrent of rampant masculinity
Turns out it was you know who, I must say I shed a tear
There’s nothing more creepy than the Lindt chocolatier.

The phantom of the opera, the hunchback of Notre Dame,
Skeleton from He-Man, none of them meant any harm
They’re all quite pleasant actually, we’d probably go for a beer
There’s nothing more creepy than the Lindt chocolatier.

He beckons with malevolent intent and tempts us to his lair
The promise of sweet nourishment, he wonders if we dare
Abandon all our hopes and dreams and morals that we hold dear
There’s nothing more creepy than the Lindt chocolatier.

Last summer I remember when the funfair came to town
I saw him on a bouncy castle jumping up and down
Wearing for some reason what looked like bondage gear
There’s nothing more creepy than the Lindt chocolatier.

I saw him once approaching when I was out on a late night street walk
Chocolate bonbons, he said to me, I said, enough of all that sweet talk
I know you are well meaning but there’s one thing that I should make clear
There’s nothing more creepy than the Lindt chocolatier.

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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