Poem
My tyre is flat
My roof is flat
My cola is flat
I live in a flat.
My pancake is flat
My iron is flat
My enthusiasm is flat
My coffee is a flat
white.
My battery is flat
The joke I told fell flat
Norfolk is flat
I played a piano in B
flat.
My carpet is flat
On the floor of my flat
My cap is flat
It’s a flat
Cap.
I showed this poem
To a friend.
They thought it was too
one-dimensional.
Tag Archives: lgbt
Mariner Man – Dame Edith Sitwell, performed at Paignton’s beach by Robert Garnham
It was a beautiful day so I decided to go for a stroll on the beach and recite this poem by one of my poetry heroes, Dame Edith Sitwell. I hope you like it, and if you don’t, it’s not very long.
New Year’s Day Whimsy 2025 – Complete Show
Hello, once again this New Year’s Day I took to the airwaves with a 45 minute poetry show. This was a mix of new poems, old poems, borrowed poems, but thankfully, not many blue poems. And this year, I set up another camera next to my IPad so that I could record the whole thing!
So in the back room of the shop where I work, I launched into a very eclectic set of poems which included four ‘cover versions’. The list is as follows:
Humming
Bunger Up of Rat ‘Oles (Jack Warner cover)
Surfer Dude
Smurftown
Are you Cool?
Coffee Shop
Mariner Man (Edith Sitwell cover)
The Aviator
In Love and Aviation (Rose Cook cover)
Show me the World
Gom
Gruts for Tea (Ivor Cutler cover)
Ted Talk
Tomas
Straight Pub
Straight (New version)
Fozzie
Traction Engine
Donkey Fart – An experimental sound poem
Hello. Ever at the cutting edge, here’s a sound poem for your listening pleasure.
The Tedium of Listening to Other People’s Dreams (Audio, Live in Exeter)
Hello, here’s a poem from my set last night in Exeter. The poem is called Dreamscraper, from my collection, Hello!
I hope you like it.
I have a sofa-phobia
Hello, just booked into a hotel and my room has a s-s-sofa in it. I don’t want to change rooms because it’s otherwise quite nice. But I’ve always had a phobia of sofas.
That’s what this poem is all about.
And here’s me, on the s-s-sofa. Being very brave.
Are you cool?
Hello, here’s a new poem. I hope you like it.
Poem about not getting enough butter to go with your toast in a cafe.
Hello,
Here’s a new poem for you. It’s from my collection Hello!, which can be ordered here.https://robertgarnham.bigcartel.com/product/hello
I hope you like it
Hello! The new book from Robert Garnham
My new collection Hello!, has just been published by Puddlehopper Books. And I’m really excited about it!
I do believe that Hello! contains some of the best poems I’ve written. Some of them were featured in my show Bouncer, which I performed last year, and in the version of Juicy which I’ve been performing this year.
The book is a pleasant mix of comedy and serious poems.
You can purchase a copy here if you’re interested : https://robertgarnham.bigcartel.com/product/hello
An Evening with the Professor of Whimsy
Hello, you are cordially invited to spend an hour in the company of Robert Garnham, the Professor of Whimsy! Over the course of the hour Robert performs some of his best known and funniest poems. The last twenty minutes is a stand alone theatre piece called Mr Juicy.
If you like what you see, feel free to pop something in this tip jar! https://ko-fi.com/robertgarnham
The show can be watched right here. Enjoy!
Robert Garnham 