Flurgen the Viking lay on the floor of the house
A spear sticking from the middle of his back.
Bloody hell, who did this?

My friend Mark has bet me ten quid that
I couldn’t incorporate the number 12 bus timetable
Into this poem.

Yesterday the sunrise was resplendent.
Flurgen the Viking dead on the floor.
Whoever pulls the spear from his back
By Icelandic law
Has to avenge his death.

0723 Brixham Town Square
0724 Brixham New Road
And every twelve minutes thereafter.

Will it be Erik Jansen?
Will it be Jan Ericsson?
Will it be Ethel Shufflebottom?
She’s not from round these parts.
0726 Brixham Monksbridge Drive

I don’t know what happened
To the man who was meant to
Come and fix my door.
I don’t even care what happened.
I just want some closure.
Yesterday the sunrise was resplendent.

Ethel yanks the spear.
That’ll do to train my runner beans, she says.
But now you have to avenge the death of Flurgen,
Points out Jan Ericsson.
Can’t be arsed with that, she replies.
0729 Churston Village.

I work in a shop
Which sells ornamental horses
This morning I sold three on the trot.
I said to the bloke,
You wanna box for that?
He knocked me out in Round Two.
Yesterday the sunrise was resplendent.

0730 Churston Village School

Ethel that’s a fine spear you’ve got there.
Shame about Flurgen.
0731 Churston Village.
The bus is going backwards!
My brother’s got a police record.
It’s Every Breath You Take.
He played it on a old gramophone.
Wow, I said, that’s an old gramophone.
Is it a wind-up?
No, he said, it’s real.
Yesterday the sunrise was resplendent.
I work in a shop
Which sells ornamental horses.
He knocked me out in Round Two.
0733 Windy Corner.
Get up, Flurgen, for goodness sake.
The bus is going backwards!
I just want some closure.

In a misty glen Ethel
Came across the miscreant.
Did you kill Flurgen Flurgenssen?, she asked.
Yes, he said.
She gave him a damn good frowning andf said,
0734 Broadsands Library
Except for Bank Holidays
She said
How come the Three Musketeers
Are called the Three Musketeers
When there’s four of them
And they don’t use muskets?
She said
0735 Cherrybrook Drive
She said
Hey Mark that’s ten quid you owe me
She said
ABBA were being stalked
By Hank Marvin and his band.
Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away?

The Ballad of the Lonely Bus Driver

I am the lonely bus driver
Driving round the town.
Always on the same old route,
It really gets me down.
I am the lonely bus driver
You don’t know how I feel.
The only thing that I caress
Is the steering wheel.

I am the lonely bus driver
In my big machine
It’s such a thrusting rusting bus
It’s really quite obscene.
I always get you home safely
It is my duty of care.
Although I’ll jab the brake six times
When you’re on the stairs.

I really like to drive my thing
I go the extra yard.
I make it look quite easy but
I’ll assure you it’s very hard.
I pulled up at a bus stop
And the lady there did say
I’ve never seen one as big as that
And it’s kind of tapered towards the end.

I am the lonely bus driver
I often use the clutch.
I drank a cup of coffee and
I spilled it in my crotch.
The wipers sweeping back and forth
Are powered by solenoids.
And sitting here eight hours a day
Has given me, (deep sigh).

I recall my wedding day
It was my personal hell.
She left me at the altar and
She took the dog as well.
I had to return the wedding gifts
And people made a fuss.
That’s Ok, I told them all,
I’ve till got my bus.

So if you catch the number six
Be sure to sit at the back.
Jovial customer service is
Something that I lack.
I’ll let you get on board my bus
If you flash your pass.
And when I see another bus
I will flash my headlights.