New Year’s Day Whimsy

Well, I did my annual New Year’s Day special yesterday, from the environs of the room at the back of my mothers garage, as I am staying in Brixham for the new year period. Here it is in all its whimsical glory, I hope you enjoy it!

If you like what I’m doing, feel free to support me right here:

https://ko-fi.com/robertgarnham

My New Year’s Resolution: To have more fun!

So today I performed my annual New Year’s Day poetry extravaganza. And as I’m staying in Brixham at the Muv’s, this took place in the room at the back of her garage where I normally rehearse, a place I have nicknamed the ‘Sunrise Rehearsal Studio’. I can make as much noise as I like in there and nobody can hear me, because the room is not attached to or near any other building.
The day before, I’d kind of made a New Year’s Resolution, which had two parts to it. The first is to concentrate more on comedy poetry, the second is to have fun performing. The first part of this resolution has come about because I feel that, over the last couple of years and especially since lockdown and the pandemic, I have spent most of my time doing things other than comedy poetry. And yes, while it’s great to experiment and try other things, I was just kidding myself that any of these were worth unleashing on an audience. Serious poems, serious pieces of writing, various artworks and ideas which had at least taken me out of my comfort zone, were the speciality of proper artists and proper poets who have made a career out of such a manner of expression. The one thing I’m good at, hopefully, and known for, is making people laugh through poetry and performance. And I hadn’t done nearly enough of this since the end of 2019.
The second part of the resolution is to have fun performing. I know this sounds a bit weird, what with my performance being very silly, comedic and clowning, but I’d spent far too much time concentrating on performance and theory and effect and not nearly enough on enjoying the process.
So today’s gig in the Sunrise Rehearsal Studio allowed me to have fun in the silliness of what I was doing and, hopefully, in such a way, connect with the audience. And once I’d made this pact with myself to enjoy what I was doing, well, wouldn’t you know, I started to really enjoy what I was doing!
2022 is here, now. And I have no idea where it will go or what will happen. I have a couple of projects on the go which might lead to something wonderful, or then again, they might not. But I’m determined that I shall have lots of fun along the way. I hope to see you out there in poetry land, too.

Happy new year to everyone, and here’s to a better future!

Small Town American Boy Tries an English Delicacy

So this poem, amazingly, is based kn a true story. I’ve changed his name. Because he might read this!

America,
Land of the free.
Stars ‘n’ stripes,
Hollywood,
And it’s so amazing,
They’ve even got McDonalds there.
But I tell you
What they haven’t got.
Cheese and pickle sandwiches.
And forever there shall remain
A chasm as deep as the Grand Canyon.

My friend Brody,
All American boy raised on
Baseball and NASCAR,
Country music and out of town malls,
And fishing down at the old creek
With Emmy Lou,
Weirdly infatuated with
Inspector Morse,
Texted me one day
The question that was burning within.
What’s a cheese and pickle sandwich?

One moonlit night in small town America,
In the midst of apple pie baking,
Pick up trucks and 7-11s,
Did his postman deliver a jar of
Imported English pickle, and Brody,
Ever keen to sample exotic foodstuffs
In the glare of diner neon and freeway streetlights,
The roar of pick ups and duck hunts,
Concoct a delicacy so rare as to make
The Angels whimper.

I asked him afterwards
What he had thought.
And he replied
That he melted inside,
His taste buds had come alive,
He almost cried
For the years he’d existed without
Cheese and pickle sandwiches.

The air seemed more pure,
Colours more vivid,
Senses heightened and he was overtaken
With an inner peace
So utterly consuming,
He said he felt a strange compulsion
To grin at a squirrel.

Imbued with hope he skimmed above
Mere comprehension
And suddenly
America made sense.
The love of Kermit for Miss Piggy.
The intricate rules of the rodeo
And most of the Twilight saga.
A lump of processed cheese.
A spread of pickle sublime.
Two slabs of supermarket granary
Lifted him above the humdrum.
Oh! It was like a gastronomic slap in the face.
Oh! It was like a religious awakening.
Oh! It was a cruise control on a turnpike
(Because I definitely know what both of those mean),
Because they Lord of the Snack had sung
And the words which oozed forth
Into the ears of this small town boy were,
‘Go on, make yourself another cheese and pickle sandwich’.

And he opened the screen door.
And he sat on the stoop,
Filled with righteous fervour,
That he should lift up
This cheese and pickle sandwich
As an offering to God on high,
All hail the cheese and pickle sandwich!
All hail its mighty goodness!
And he howled at the night
Like a cowboy,
Yaaaaaaaa-Hooooo!
Mamma!

So you liked it?, I asked.
Sure, he replied, it was swell.
What do you think I should
Try next?
And I suggested
Spam Fritters.

My 2021 Advent Calendar in all its glory

Today’s Advent Calendar picture is of Beryl Reid eating a wagon wheel. An actual wagon wheel.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture is of the crank handle of an old jalopy.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture is of Samuel Beckett breakdancing in the cafe at a garden centre next to the narcissi.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture is apppatently an advert for Dreadnought Sheep Dip.

Today’s advent calendar picture is of a monk trying to feed a jacket to a horse.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows a small field just outside of Norwich and some of the adjacent lay-by.

Today’s advent calendar picture shows Skippy the Kangaroo waiting for an exhaust manifold to be fitted to his Ford Capri. One of the mechanics is Liam Gallagher. It’s raining. The Irn Bru drinks machine has an Out of Order notice on it written in calligraphy. The man in the office behind a glass window is sad because nobody appreciates his calligraphy.

Today’s advent calendar picture shows kylie Minogue as reimagined in Fuzzy Felt

Today’s Advent Calendar picture is of Inspector Poirot looking for a pair of scissors to open the packaging that his newly bought pair of scissors have come in.

Today’s advent calendar is a picture of a colander. It’s an advent colander.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture is very minimalist and shows a penguin at the South Pole looking very quizzically at a harp.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows the starboard spark plugs of a coal barge.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows the Easter bunny.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows a duck behind the wheel of a 1986 Opel Manta being stopped by a policeman who happens to be a ferret, whose pointing at a speed limit sign which says 30mph, while a badger walks past pushing a prom inside of which is a lobster baby, while the other side of the road there’s a kangaroo which, inexplicably, is walking a dog.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows a selection of different pasta shapes laid out in size order next to a Philips screwdriver, presumably for scale.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows the bearded captain of the bulk carrier MSC Mercury Thora Hird on the bridge behind the wheel, but he’s vogueing, Madonna style, while his First Mate captures the whole thing on his mobile phone, as the other crew on the bridge clap and cheer. They’re obviously intending to upload it to Tiktok.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows an exasperated theatre director shouting at an ostrich through a megaphone on a theatre stage. Muscles are bulging in his neck. The ostrich has fluffed another line in the big monologue and will have to start again. The ostrich can barely hide its contempt. The play they are rehearsing is called Up My Left Trouser Leg.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows an advent calendar.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows a moment of hilarity on the novelty farting gnome production line. Doris has put one of them on her head and is doing a silly little dance to Cher’s Believe, everyone’s laughing, though she doesn’t realise that her supervisor is standing right behind her. This is the third time she’s done such a thing in the last week. The manufacture of novelty farting gnomes is a serious business, doesn’t she understand? And why is it necessary to add the word ‘novelty’?

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows the Three Wise Men having stopped off to buy scratch cards , are leaning on a post box and furiously scratching them with 10p coins.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows an argument at the crunch nut corn flake production line because the manager has sped up the conveyor belt and they’ve obviously started falling off on to the floor, there are boxes everywhere, tempers are fraying, arms raised, red faces, bulging veins in necks, and nobody has noticed that a lion has just sauntered in through the door.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows a runaway flat bed truck with about fifty standard lamps balanced on the back making its way driverless through the giraffe enclosure at a safari park. The giraffes are curious, of course, and somewhat envious of these long necked mechanical objects. Maud from the adjacent tea hut looks up from her urn, she’s pointing to the large net that she’s kept just for a situation like this.

Today’s Advent Calendar picture shows Yogi Bear lying flat on his face with a tranquilliser dart stuck in his rump, in the meat aisle at Morrison’s. He’s riffled the chiller cabinet and made a hell of a mess.

Aviation EP

I’ve always loved aircraft and aviation. Last year I finished a music / poetry project I’d been working on for a while. I’ve only just got around to putting the finished EP on Bandcamp. You can listen to it right here:

https://robertgarnham.bandcamp.com/album/aviation

A Wee Poem

When the beer’s been a flow
And I need to go
To a room of urinals
All tight in a row,
To lessen that pressure,
That busting to pee
To feel that relief
So heavenly free,
But I’ll tell you this once and you’ll probably not care
I can’t go if there’s someone else there.

He’s burly of course,
He pees with such force
Like Niagara Falls,
It sounds like a horse.
He lets out a groan
So at ease as he pees
It’s holding me back,
I want to shout, please!
Leave me alone, it’s really not fair!
I can’t go if there’s someone else there.

I wish he’d just dash,
I’d offer hard cash.
All I wanted to do
Was go for a slash.
But my waterworks clam,
They’re ever so fickle.
Nothing comes out,
Not even a trickle.
I stand like a statue in a pose of despair.
I can’t go if there’s someone else there.

I’ve always been weak
And ever since meek
And never more so
Than when having a leak.
With a bloke so butch
He looks like King Kong
My god how on Earth
Has this gone so wrong?
He’s still weeing now, I want to peak and not stare,
I can’t go if there’s someone else there.

I feel like a loser
He looks like a bruiser
This happens each time
I go to the boozer.
One moment I’m sitting
With Daphne and Jenny
But then oh my god
I must spend a penny.
I’m jealous of how he can wee with such flair
I can’t go if there’s someone else there.

It doesn’t make sense
I’m feeling so tense
And that’s kind of why
I concoct the pretence
That I’ve had my wee
I find myself trusting
Not to let on at all
That I’m actually still busting
I’d best keep it in and just utter a prayer
I can’t go if there’s someone else there.

Midnight DJ

Midnight DJ

It’s a rainy night in the city.
It’s only me here in the studio.
The phone lines are open
But no-one ever calls,
Though I can feel all those lost souls,
The night shifts,
The insomniacs
Looking at the rain as it rolls down their
Window panes,
The empty streets reflecting the sodium glare
Of solitary streetlights, scattershot neon,
The dull overcast night sky
Stained brown.

Here’s a sleazy jazz number,
Plaintive for the forgotten,
A sad sax penetrating aching limbs,
Sweat-soaked chests,
Sheets flung aside,
The cool fingers of night a porcelain ghost
Drumming along with the relentless rain,
A midnight poet awake at his desk in
A pool of light on the 32nd floor,
His words have all become meaningless,
But here’s your jazz nonetheless, fella.

It’s a rainy night in the city.
I purr into the microphone, lull
My listeners with inconsequential thoughts,
Philosophy for the broken-hearted.
‘I can’t remember if I closed the fridge door
When I left to come here tonight.
It might be open, it might be ajar.
Open or closed, it’s prone to involuntary
Openings based on the loose floorboard on whose
Surface a soul may step thus causing
The fridge door to open, dear listeners,
And here’s some more cool jazz, cool,
Fresh from the fridge that might be open.’

Drops of rain race down the pane, lit from behind
By errant neon from the adjacent offices
Of a corporate cat-spaying conglomerate,
I cue the next track,
Piano riffs bouncing through the psyche of this concrete
Accumulation of slumbering demons,
Too tired to haunt the present moment they dream
Their cursed dreams as I sip my cold black coffee
And spill it down my Justin Bieber t-shirt, the
Contours of my stomach having long since given
His Biebness an involuntary scowl, and now,
He’s sweating Americano too.

Time to croon for the fallen, my tones an audible shiver,
A timbre for the forsaken, I lean in and
Ponder on the likelihood, has anyone thought, of
The planet in its entirety coming under the machinations
Of rabbits, our bunny overlords fierce and bending our will,
Is it not likely, to elevate their rabbitty schemes,
And dear listener, Thumper was never a friend of mine,
Accompanied by a low rumble of thunder this last thought
Hangs in the air like static before an advertisement
For J. Arthur Bowyer’s Synchro-Boost Houseplant Compost.

Radio signals bounce and slide between the skyscrapers.
I’m the friend in the corner, a scratchy crackle,
A solitary bar-hugging oracle bringing solace to the forgotten.
Humid apartments whose dank walls cling on to the heat,
Windows flung open on the ceaseless din of falling rain
As I ponder in a dulcet murmur on whether
It was the news guy, or the traffic reporter, who
Stole my lunch from the staff kitchen, and what the
Chances are that mullets might come back into fashion,
And why are downpipes called downpipes when it’s blatantly obvious
That water doesn’t flow upwards, and here’s some
Early Coltrane, except by mistake I say Colgate,
Not that anyone’s likely to mention this as
No-one ever calls.

It’s a rainy night in the city.
I’m your late night friend.
And all those lost souls, they hang on my words
As distant thunder rumbles, sheet lightning
Silhouetting the solemn tombstone skyscrapers,
A dead squid is in the gutter, flowing inexorably
Towards the drain, where it comes from no-one knows,
Or it could be a carrier bag, the next song
Is a long one because I need to go for a pee.

Not the Same Poet, But Always an Artist – A review of the Hazel Hammond exhibition, Arnolfini, Bristol

Exhibition Photo, Image by Vonalina Cake Photography

I first heard about Hazel Hammond about thirteen years ago. I had just started in performance poetry and someone mentioned this artist and poet in Bristol, who did a show in which she invited audience members to write and draw fake tattoos on her body, the idea being that she had a date and needed some tattoos fast. I then went to a gig at the Artizan Coffee Shop in Paignton, Hazel was headlining and her poetry was amazing, life affirming and very human. I became absolutely smitten with her as a poet and as a person.

A short while later I started attending various open mics up and down the country and one of these was Acoustic Night in Bristol. Hazel was there, and we became acquainted and I would stay at her house every now and then when I was visiting Bristol. Amazing company and absolutely devoted to art, she would tell me about her various projects such as Marietta’s Wardrobe in which she created a box containing postcards of the contents of the wardrobe of a lady named Marietta, and a poem to accompany each. Marietta’s Wardrobe was a study of memory, loss and grief and brought a curator’s eye to the keeping of memories. And when I put together my show about tea, which I toured throughout the UK, Hazel knitted a hat for me in the shape of a teapot based on the exact dimensions of my head.

Knitting is one of Hazel’s artistic mediums. She told me about one of her performance art exhibitions in which she knitted herself into a cocoon live on stage. The cocoon was then taken to an arboretum. In such a way, Hazel remains one of the most original artists you are every likely to meet, unafraid to blur the boundaries between disciplines, and poetry was at the heart of this.

I’m 2018, Hazel had a stroke. It was an incredibly anxious time for her friends and admirers. Her friend, fellow poet Andi, used social media to update us on her condition, but you couldn’t help but fear the worst.

During her recovery, Hazel turned to art as therapy, from the models and characters she would create with plasticine, to the exotic finger dancing she would develop when listening to music. But during this time, she found that words had left her. Afflicted with the condition aphasia, Hazel could no longer rely on her mind to deliver the words that she so cherished as a poet. In the film which accompanies her exhibition at the Arnolfini Gallery in Bristol, she explained that she shunned the company of poets. I asked her why and she replied, ‘Jealousy’. Poets had their words, and Hazel did not.

The title of the exhibition is ‘Not the Same Poet, But Always an Artist’, which is an apt description of how Hazel’s life has changed in the years following her stroke. The film details her use of art as therapy and the work that she has been doing in the community, using the lessons learned through her own therapy to help other stroke sufferers. In the next room, there are photographs of the knitted hats she has been making which deal with her stroke. One of them is a visual metaphor for the stroke itself, in which one can put one’s fingers as if right down into the centre of someone’s brain. I explained that I found this one a little creepy. She laughed and said, ‘It’s not real, it’s only a sculpture’.

There’s a lot of Hazel’s trademark humour in the exhibition, in spite of the serious message about art which it delivers. Photographs of Hazel wearing her hats are humorous. In one of them, she looks out slyly from behind what she calls her ‘Shouting Hat’, which she wears when she wants to shout because the stroke has left her with a soft voice. Another demonstrates the visual disturbances she suffered, and another is paired with gloves which demonstrate how she uses her fingers and hand gestures to add meaning to her speech.

The exhibition is hugely atmospheric and emotional. The viewer is left truly astounded at how Hazel has overcome such adversity through art, and it is hugely inspirational that she should make the absolute best of such a horrible situation. Hazel has always been an inspiration in any case, and this exhibition cements that feeling.

But what of the poetry? I wanted to ask Hazel if she thought she might write again, but it didn’t seem appropriate to ask. The question is addressed during the film. One of her friends says that perhaps it will come back. Maybe not immediately, and maybe not in the form in which it once existed. But then I thought, this whole exhibition is poetry. It’s the visual manifestation of something which speaks to the viewer emotionally. Hazel has gone beyond mere words and found an even higher form of expression, the likes of which most poets can only dream about.

I heartily recommend this exhibition, and I hope that it tours to other places once the run at the Arnolfini has been completed.

Hazel, photographed by Robert Garnham, Oct. 2021
Robert Garnham wearing Hazel Hammond’s Teapot Hat, 2019

A short tribute to Ellie Davies

As with many on the Devon performance poetry, I was saddened to hear this week of the passing of Ellie Davies. Ellie was such a staunch supporter of the local poetry and spoken word scene that it seems inconceivable that she wont be there when gigs start properly in earnest again. Ellie was such a warm, caring and supportive person, and her company was always cheerful. Many have attested to her innate kindness and encouragement.

This probably isn’t the place to go into too many details, suffice to say Ellie had to deal with a lot over the last decade, including illness. But she never complained, not even once. If you were to ask how she was, she would turn the subject back, and dismiss her problems with a wave of her hand, and a smile, and a laugh.

And it’s that laugh which I will miss the most. She was such a good audience member, helping build up the energy in the room by laughing and joining in, enthusiastic and infectious.

Her own poems demonstrated a soul whose interest were very definitely human. She wrote about emotions and feelings with a deftness and subtlety which were then delivered on stage in her Birmingham accent. A lot of her poems were serious and spoke of serious issues but always with that simplicity of language and imagery. Other poems were hilarious, she had a fine comic touch which will be missed.

I knew Ellie long before I began performing. She was a member of a Writers’ Group, which is where we first met. We would meet every two weeks and read stories or poems and Ellie was always very encouraging. I was only young at the time, (my mid twenties), and I cringe to think of some of the things that I used to read to the group back then, but Ellie was always supportive, and again, there was that wonderful laugh which lit up the room. This would have been around 2004-2005, judging by my diaries.

In 2008 I went to a night of performance poetry at the Blue Walnut Cafe in Torquay. I had no idea what performance poetry was, so I went along to watch feeling very nervous. But then a familiar voice came from the table next to the window, and it was Ellie. Not only was she there, but she was one of the performers too, and it was that night which kickstarted my interest in performance poetry and spoken word. Of all the people I have met in the spoken word community, it was Ellie who I knew the longest.

A while ago Ellie moved to a flat not far from my own, and she would invariably offer me a lift to gigs in Torquay at the Blue Walnut or the Artizan Gallery. I remember once she had a new car, which she called, ‘Roger the Rover’, which had to be reversed up a very narrow lane to get to her flat. And she would laugh as she drove, that familiar laugh coming from behind the steering wheel as we grazed dustbins and wheelie bins so that the car was pointing in the right direction for the next time that she needed it.

Ellie loved life, and she loved people. She was wonderfully forthright in her views and nothing would hold her back when she saw injustice or bullying. And most of all, she loved poetry and the things that could be done with literature.

Suffice to say, Ellie will be very much missed by everyone who knew her.