Tag Archives: literature

Titanic / Flurgen / Orgasms : Three Live Poems, Torquay June 2024

Hello, here are three poems I performed the other night. Flurgen is a new poem and this was its first ever recital. I hope you like them.

Torquay June 2024

90 Seconds

That tiny mouth 
Screws tight like a cat’s arse.
His eyebrows arch down
Like wiper blades on a
Written off Citroen.
He closes his eyes screwed tight
And makes the same sort of noise
As the grunt my gran lets out
After banging her shin on
The coffee table,
And then he makes another sort of noise,
Similar to that uttered by someone 
After they’ve realised they’ve 
Stepped 
Barefoot on a slug.
That’s noise number two
He wrinkles his nose
And some snot comes out.
It’s there on his upper lip like a green
Hitler moustache.
His shoulders are pale white
But there’s a semi circle of orange.
He smells of chip fat and fudge.
He quivers for a bit
Like an old fridge turning itself off.
Soaked in sweat, he
Collapses onto the bed,
The bouncing motion of which
And the big slap
He delivers to his own belly
Causes the moistness to fly off,
Flobber around the room
Like one of those big dogs with drool
When it shakes its head.
He then makes a noise
Which might be laughter but sounds
Like a 
Cat about to throw up a fur ball.
Donald Trump
Enjoyed his orgasm.

Annie Edson Taylor

Annie Edson Taylor

The first person who went over Niagara Falls in a barrel
Was Annie Edson Taylor.
It wasn’t some daredevil gentleman in a wax moustache,
It was Annie Edson Taylor.
She had grey hair and a severe bun and looked
For all the world like a Sunday school teacher,
Because she was a Sunday school teacher.
Times were hard in 1901
And she was Annie Edson Taylor.

She can be seen in grainy photos,
Her black skirts and sensible boots, and a pure white
Long-sleeved blouse done up with a collar and a brooch,
She looked like she took no prisoners.
I’m going over Niagara Falls in a barrel, she said,
And good luck to anyone who tried to
Talk her out of it.
Annie Edson Taylor.
And she would do it quickly.
Taylor swift!

Things are getting desperate and you need some dough
Fortune comes with fame it’s the only thing you know
Your life has been so normal so I guess it’s just a blip.
You jump into a barrel ride that river to the lip.

Heart in your mouth as you plummet like a stone.
The world will know your name but for now you are alone.
You demonstrate resilience, you’re ever so brave.
Perhaps you won’t be buried in that nameless pauper’s grave.

The beast she tamed was seldom forgiving but for her
It purred like a cat.
The other beast was destitution
And that was far less placid, and it roared like a tiger.
Annie Edson Taylor,
You disappeared,
Conned out of your money, your belongings stolen,
And time ran out, you faded,
Annie Edson Taylor,
Subsumed into the fuzz and static of folklore.

My mate Ethan wears shorts when he’s
Riding around on his moped.
And he thinks that’s pretty dope,
But you went over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
That’s the last time I moan
Before going to the dental hygienist .
You went over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
You were Annie Edson Taylor.
Noone can take that away,
You were Annie Edson Taylor.
You were audacious.
You were Annie Edson Taylor.
You were sixty two.
You were Annie Edson Taylor.
Sticking it to the men.
You were Annie Edson Taylor.
Queen of the mist.
Annie Edson Taylor.
You died in poverty.
Annie Edson Taylor.


Casserole

1.

You know what it's like.
It's just gone three in the afternoon
And you get a sudden pang
For casserole.
Not quite as full on as a stew,
Not quite as funky as a hot pot,
Not quite as opaque as soup
Nor even a broth with its
Meaty meaty chunks,
Casserole, winter warmer,
Dumpling soaker,
Casserole casserole casserole,
Mmm mmm mmm!

Traipsing round the supermarket aisle
Where is the casserole? This'll take a while 
I tell you what will a-make a-me smile 
A glimpse of casserole, I would run a mile
Like a character from mythology, a personal trial
Casserole casserole casserole,
Mmm mmm mmm!

Excuse me mister manager
Supermarket manager
Where is the casserole,
Don't hold it back!
Excuse me mister manager
Supermarket manager
Where is the casserole,
It's something that you lack!

Casserole casserole casserole,
Mmm mmm mmm!

And the supermarket manager said

2.

I am the very model of a supermarket manager
We have so many bargains here we'd see off any challenger
We sell our food in tins and packs and sometimes in a canister
And if somebody makes a mess I have to call the janitor.
I am so damn professional I'm nothing like an amateur
Our shelves are always fully stocked, our sugar it is granular
I make a daily sales forecast with several parameters
We have a fine display in here of spoons and forks and spatulas
Our singles night is Wednesday the place is full of bachelors
I am the very model
Yes I am the very model
Yes I am the very model
Of a supermarket manager!

(He is the very model of a supermarket manager!)

I have so many colleagues here and staff and several underlings
I go straight home it's getting late I strip down to my underthings 
I'm not about to come on to you if that is what you're wondering
Cos I'm a decent sort of chap though often prone to blundering
The music that I hear at night is shopping trolleys trundling
It fills me with a strange delight I cannot stop from shuddering
A queue of shoppers in a row, the slowest till is the one working
Our motto is Grab What You Can, a philosophy which underpins
Our shareholders and chief exec, our profits they are funnelling
I am the very model
Yes I am the very model
Yes I am the very model
Of a supermarket manager!

(He is the very model of a supermarket manager!)

But I don't know if we've got
Casss-errrrrrr-roooolllllle!

I'll ask Janet.

Oh, Janet?

3.

What?

You got any of the good stuff, Janet?

And iiiiiii-eeeeeee-iiiiiiiiii-eeeeeee-iiiiii,
Will always loooovee
Souuuuuuuuuupppppp.

No Janet, the other thing?

Oh yes.

(To the tune of Alejandro, by Lady Gaga)

I've looked everywhere
In the stock room
But I haven't got a pack n't got a pack.
In the freezer
In the stock room
Not even in the chiller on the shelf.

You know that I love casserole,
Hot like stew or a sausage roll
At this point I do suggest
Pot Noodle

Don't look like we 
Have got any
Casserole -ole,
I'm not your babe
With casserole
Haven't got none,
Not in a pack 
Nor in a box
Just a small back
We haven't got
We haven't got
Any cass'role.

Any cass'role
Any cass'role
Cassy cassy cass'role
Cassy cassy cass'role

Any cass'role
Any cass'role
Cassy cassy cass'role
Cassy cassy cass'role

Stop, please!
Just let me go!

I've got a spillage in aisle six.

4.

Tell me young man,
Why do you like casserole so much?

I live a life devoted to it
And it often gets me grumpy
That a common misconception is
That it's cold and ever so lumpy.

A casserole is different
And lifts me high anew
It fills me with a warmth inside
That you don't really get with stew.

And stroganoff can bugger off
Please take away that bowl
And if you really love me true
Just give me casserole.

I spent a night of bliss with Trish
So sexual so winsome so fetching
She gave me a plate of beef bourgignon
I spent the whole night retching.

Casserole casserole casserole
Just the sound of it makes me tingle.
Casserole casserole casserole.
It's probably why I'm still single.

5.

I'm sorry I can't help you
With that food that you do seek
The only thing that I suggest
Is to come back next week.

Our casserole it takes its toll
And I really don't want to harm ya
Perhaps young man I could tempt you
With a chiller fridge lasagne?

6.

Dinner.
I want for dinner
A dish that I can have with wine
It's the one thing on my mind.
Hunger.
Increasing hunger.
An empty stomach makes a growling sound
It's enough to bring me down.

This supermarket hasn't got any casserole.
And now I will take my leave!

Came in
Around 3.30
Thought it would only take a smidge
Headed to the chiller fridge
Empty
It was so empty
A gap where obviously it should have been
Everyone could hear me scream.

This supermarket hasn't got any casserole.
And now I will take my leave!

Stocktake,
The latest stocktake
It says you had some yesterday
Now they all have gone away
Checking
The best before date
This supermarket
Hasn't got
It hasn't got
Any casserole
This supermarket
Hasn't got
It hasn't got
Any casserole
And
Now 
I
Will 
Leeeeeeaaaaavvvvee!

7.

But they had some in Aldi.

I Wish I Lived in a Bungalow (Live, audio)

I wish I lived in a bungalow

I wish I lived in a bungalow
One floor is enough for me.
I wish I lived in a bungalow
No upstairs for me don’t you see?
It’s ever so static
I’d feel so ecstatic
And going upstairs
Only leads to the attic
I wish I lived in a bungalow
One floor is enough for me.

I wish I lived in a bungalow
My god it would be the best.
People would visit my bungalow
And ask, hey where’s the rest?
People would call
They’d stand in the hall
They’d look around
And say, ‘Is that all?’
I wish I lived in a bungalow
One floor is enough for me.

I wish I lived in a bungalow
I’d go from room to room.
I’d only need one plug you see
When I use the vacuum.
It’s ever so static
I’d feel so ecstatic
And going upstairs
Only leads to the attic
I wish I lived in a bungalow
One floor is enough for me.

I wish I lived in a bungalow
Though people might think i was odd
Saying, “he lives in a bungalow,
He’s really a miserable sod”.
I’d have no cares
I’d ignore their stares
There is no cupboard
Under the stairs
I wish I lived in a bungalow
Or perhaps a ground floor flat.

I wish I lived in a bungalow
My bedroom down the hall.
Would I get bored of my bungalow?
No, not a chance, not at all.
It’s what I adore
I’d be thrilled to the core
My plan only has
One major floor
I wish I lived in a bungalow
And be closer to planet earth.

I wish I lived in a bungalow
Imagine the plaudits and glory
Like the Star Wars franchise the place
Only has the one storey.
It’s what I’d do
Without much ado
The downstairs loo
Is just called the loo
I wish I lived in a bungalow
Also, I’m ever so lonely.

I wish I lived in a bungalow
My life would be a ballet
I wish I lived in a bungalow
Or possibly a chalet.
There’s nothing I’d lack
A garden out back
The vibe it gives off
Is that of a shack
I wish I lived in a bungalow
One floor is enough for me.

I wish I lived in a bungalow
You try it, you can’t go back.
I wish I lived in a bungalow
Perhaps in a cul-de-sac.
It’s made out of brick
I get such a kick
You can keep your stairs
They’re making me sick
I wish I lived in a bungalow
With Darren from the coffee shop.

I wish I lived in a bungalow
It’s something I’ll always regret.
Nothing better than a bungalow,
You can keep your maisonette.
That’s my intent
The hours I’ve spent
It’s one step away
From being a tent.
It wouldn’t be far
You can visit by car
You can come right in
The door is ajar.
I’d make my stamp
Buy a standard lamp
You’ll have to admit
It’s kind of camp
I wish I lived in a bungalow
I wish I lived in a bungalow
I wish I lived in a bungalow
One floor is enough for me.


Monty Don – A Poetic Appreciation

Poem

Disco in your greenhouse, Monty?
Flat cap rapping in the growbag scene.
I licked the outside of your shed window
While you were live on air,
The glass compressing my tongue into a
Flat pink slug.
It’s such a pane.
And it tasted to mallard shit.

I’ve always felt like a weed in the bedding
And I’m being hoed by Monty Don.
Why can’t we be proper mates?
I’d hang around him as he propagates.
rakes leaves in
The morning dew
Rain down on his craggy Easter island statue face.
Is that a tear, Monty D?

I saw him out by the shed he was sprinkling his seed,
Tender frost-hid cuttings and I thought, indeed,
We always cut off more than we need.
Let me sniff your corduroy trousers, Monty D.

And here come his footsteps a-plodding and he’s
Got his garden shovel raised and you can tell
By the way his eyes glare as he holds it in the air
That he means to crack it down with venomous fury
On my head
And that’s when I shout,

Disco in your greenhouse, Monty?
I’ve got the karaoke set up and here’s
A parody of the Pet Shop Boy’s West End Girls
Except it’s about chocolate bars,
Do you like chocolate bars, Monty?
Do you like chocolate bars?

Sometimes you’re better off in bed
There’s a Twix in your hand
You wish it was a Flake.
You think you’re bad,
Totally incapable 
The nutrition guidelines and the ingredients table
In a Toblerone
Or a Kit Kat Chunky
Call the policeman
I hope he’s quite hunky
Running down
To the shops
To get a Dime Bar
Or a Yorkie.

In a sweet shop queue with a Cadbury’s Twirl.
Whole nut boys and Toblerone Girls.
In a sweet shop queue with a Cadbury’s Twirl.
Whole nut boys and Toblerone Girls.

Too many Mars Bars
Wispas and whole nuts
Kit Kats on posters
Too many doughnuts
Iced 
Glazed
Jam
Plain
Which one
Shall I claim?
If you got to pick out fruit
From a Fruit And Nut
What you got left
Is just a whole nut
It’s like a boiled egg,
Which do you choose,
The hard or soft option?

In a sweet shop queue with a Cadbury’s Twirl.
Whole nut boys and Toblerone Girls.
In a sweet shop queue with a Cadbury’s Twirl.
Whole nut boys and Toblerone Girls.

Monty Don’s face peers
From the compost heap
Like the moon rising over a
Mulched desert planet
And a sneer plays around his lips.
Come here, you bastard, he says,
And enough with the sweet talk.

Made for Each Other

Poem
 
They were made for each other.
He was a trainspotter,
And she was chuffed to have met him.
She was a Pisces
And he looked a bit like a trout.
They were definitely made for each other.

His favourite music was grime.
And she worked for Windowlene.
She liked doing jigsaws
And he liked eating biscuits.
They both started with the edges first.
 
I love you to the Moon and back, he said.
She said, what if it’s a full moon?
He said, I’ll come back when it’s empty.
He said this with a twinkle in his eye
Which he was due to see the doctor about.
He said he was an artist, a genius
when he had a brush in his hand.
She said, great,
I need the bathroom decorating.
 
He was a locksmith.
She held the key to his heart.
The other was left with a neighbour.
They composed a melody about Haribo Gummi bears.
When they were together
They made such sweet music.
 
She only celebrated World Book Day
Which is just as well because
He had a collection of atlases.
One day they were walking when a
Protractor fell from the sky.
He looked into her eyes and said,
‘heaven must be missing an angle’.
 
He was a pessimist.
She told him to stick his chin out.
It didn’t work.
The bus went straight past.
She told him that she was an optimist.
He said, so’s my sister.
She works in Specsavers.
 
She was so resourceful.
When the cat died she turned it
Into a footstool.
It looked awful
But at least it was made from Scratch.
They both loved animals.
He said, have you seen the dog bowl?
She said, yes, and he’s good
At snooker, too.
 
They had similar interests.
He read War and Peace
And she posted a lot on Twitter.
Both have 280 characters.
He was a terrible speller.
He made a big banner,
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
She said,
Who’s Mary?
 
He said,
Will you always remember me?
She said, yes.
He said,
Will you always always remember me?
She said, yes, yes.
He said,
Will you always always always remember me?
She said, yes, yes, yes!
He said, knock knock?
She said, who’s there?

My Set Last Night in Torquay

Hello, here’s what I got up to in Torquay last night. The poems I performed were:

Badger / EastEnders

I Wish I Lived In A Bungalow

Seaside Soul

Instructions for my Funeral

Light Verse

Made For Each Other

Blue Walnut, April 2024