poetry – Page 11 – Robert Garnham

The Bouncer Diaries

This time last year I was deep into the memorising and administration of the new show, which would be called Bouncer. As well as keeping a diary, I also managed to keep a video diary, which you can see on my YouTube page right here:

And of course , you can see the show as filmed by John Tomkins right here:

Here’s the diary in all its glory:

Bouncer diary

23.8.22

Decide on theme of show to be based around appearance on BGT

25.8.22

Write some linking material about poetry, and start work on opening poem ‘Welcome to my Show’

26.8.22

Work on ‘Welcome to my Show’ and an autobiographical poem called ‘Orange Juice’, which may or may not be used to add background character.

28.8.22

Sat in the sun in the back garden in Brixham. Worked on a new poem, provisionally titled ‘This City Never Seemed so Cruel’, the obligatory downbeat poem for near the end of the show. Also worked on some linking material about my Great Uncle, and a bit about Thundercats.

29.8.22

Back in Paignton. Heard the Squeeze song Hour Glass on the radio, and then some show tunes, and the idea for a call and response poem came, with a similar structure as the chorus of the Squeeze song. Called ‘Everyone Wants Fame!’ Jotted it down on a ticket, then home, worked on the poem. It’s the bare bones of something fun, but it really needs to be 30% funnier.

30.8.22

Worked on ‘Everyone Wants Fame!’, added two jokes.

31.8.22

Worked on ‘This City Never Seemed so Cruel’, ‘Orange Juice’ and ‘Welcome to my Show’.

1.9.22

Wrote new poem ‘You Should Write a Poem About That’, plotted the storyline and poem list for the show, then worked on a new version of ‘Fabaranza’ written from the point of view of the BGT producers.

4.9.22

In Brixham, worked on linking material. Wrote the goose joke, and then one other joke, and then thought, ahh, that’s two jokes, a good days work, let’s relax for the rest of the day.

5.9.22

Back in Paignton, more work on linking material.

6.9.22

Paignton, worked on linking material, then started to put the show together so far, right up to the Covid section.

7.9.22

Worked on ‘You Should Write a Poem About That’, then typed up all of the show so far before working on more linking material. Worried that the version of my portrayed in the show is negative, whiny, too much like a victim, and generally unlikeable.

8.9.22

Worked on rewriting linking material, added a few more jokes and funny lines. Worked on ‘You Should Write a Poem About That’, took out the line about all other poets being bastards!

9.9.22

Unexpected day off due to yesterday’s death of HM The Queen. Started work on the BGT phone call linking material.

11.9.22

In Brixham. Worked on new poem, ‘The Contestants Await’.

12.9.22

Worked on linking material and ‘The Contestants Await’.

14.9.22

Worked on the start of the BGT section. Worked also on the ‘Everyone Wants Fame’ poem.

16.9.22

Worked on the BGT hotel section. Went to a coffee shop and thought of two jokes about the contestants which made their way into the show script.

18.9.22

(In Brixham). Worked on the BGT section. Almost finished the first draft of the script, just need to write a kind of summing up section. Current word count is over 7000 so it may need editing down.

19.9.22

First draft completed!

24.11.22

Had a read through of the linking material having worked on the Cold Callers project in the intervening months. Pleasantly surprised at the cohesiveness and tone of the show.

27.11.22

Had a complete table read run through of the show at Brixham’s Sunrise Rehearsal Studio. 52 minutes, happy with that. Had a couple of rewrites to ponder: Fabaranza as a poem instead of a song, and tightening up the lyrics of the opening song Welcome to my Show. Also, does the show need the Covid section? Seems put in just to get on the one liner list! Later on, back in the Rehearsal room, rewrote the opening song ‘Welcome to my Show’.

28.11.22

Paignton. Ran through ‘Welcome to my Show’ a few times, then rewrote the song ‘Fabaranza’ as a fast-paced poem.

30.11.22

Began line learning ‘Welcome to my Show’.

1.12.22

Line learning ‘Welcome to my Show’.

2.12.22

Line learning ‘Welcome to my Show’.

3.12.22

Line learning first batch of linking material.

5.12.22

In Brixham. Ran through ‘Welcome to my Show’ several times and videoed it so see how it looked. Worked on linking material.

6.12.22

Paignton. Line learning linking material.

7.12.22

Line learning linking material and began line learning ‘Zach’. First five minutes of the show memorised.

8.12.22

Line learning ‘Zach’.

9.12.22

Line learning ‘Zach’.

26.12.22

Been ill for two weeks so unable to line learn or rehearse without erupting into coughing fits. Staying in Brixham for Christmas. Had a great line learning session in the Sunrise Rehearsal Studio, memorised the whole Zach poem and videoed it too.

27.12.22

Brixham. Worked on the Zach poem and the subsequent linking material. Started a video diary.

29.12.22

Paignton. Linking material and You Should Write a Poem, which I also rewrote.

30.12.22

Learning You Should Write a Poem

31.12.22

Learning You Should Write a Poem.

1.1.23

Brixham. Learning You Should Write a Poem, plus ran through whole show so far, about 12 minutes.

4.1.23

Paignton. Line learning You Should Write a Poem.

5.1.23

Line learning You Should Write a Poem.

6.1.23

Line learning You Should Write a Poem. Managed the whole poem with no mistakes, 3m30. Then performed the first 12 minutes of the show with no mistakes.

7.1.23

Line learning linking material.

8.1.23

Brixham. Line learning linking material (producer phone call section), then started work on a possible backing track for Welcome to my Show. Very camp.

9..1.23

Line learning linking material. Chatted to film maker John Tomkins about filming the show with an audience.

10.1.23

Line learning linking material.

11.1.23

Line learning linking material. Chatted to photographer Jim Elton about taking photos for the publicity pictures. That evening, performed two minutes of linking material at the online Woking Write out Loud gig. People laughed at the funny bits!

12.1.23

Rewrote ‘Who Wants Fame?’

13.1.23

Line learning Who Wants Fame?

14.1.23

Line learning Who Wants Fame? Chatted to photographer Emily Appleton about taking publicity photos.

15.1.23

Brixham. Line learning Who Wants Fame? Then to Paignton, to Emily Appleton’s studio, had head shots taken in various poses for possible poster designs.

16.1.23

Paignton. Line learning Who Wants Fame?

17.1.23

Line learning Who Wants Fame?, and adding some choreography.

18.1.23

Went through all the material I’d learned so far. Then line learning linking material. To Exeter, performed five minutes of material and the Zach poem at Taking the Mic. On the train home I started rewriting Fabaranza.

19.1.23

Rewriting Fabaranza.

21.1.23

Rehearsing the show so far and experimenting with different tones of voice.

22.1.23

Brixham. Line learning linking material.

23.1.23

Line learning linking material.

26.1.23

Bristol. Line learning linking material. Back to Paignton. Started learning ‘London’.

27.1.23

Line learning London.

28.1.23

Early morning session, line learning London.

29.1.23

Brixham. Didn’t get into regular Barnstaple Theatrefest so applied for an ‘alternative space’, pledging to do four shows.

30.1.23

Line learning London.

31.1.23

Line learning London. Barnstaple Theatrefest alternative space application successful!

1.2.23

Ran through all the learned show so far. Experimented with using song or different tones of voice on Who Wants Fame. Line learning linking material. Then in the evening, completely rewrote Who Wants Fame, now based on the music to Three Little Fishes, with an incredibly stupid chorus.

2.2.23

Continued rewrites of Who Wants Fame. Line learning linking material.

3.2.23

Line learning new version of Who Wants Fame.

4.2.23

Line leaning Who Wants Fame.

5.2.23

Brixham. Line learning Who Wants Fame and linking material. Also worked on the poster after Emily’s photo arrived.

6.2.23

Paignton. Line learning The Contestants Await.

7.2.23

Line learning The Contestants Await and Who Wants Fame. Then worked on the show poster.

10.2.23

Line learning The Contestants Await.

11.2.23

Line learning The Contestants Await.

12.2.23

Brixham. Line learning linking material and rewrites of Fabaranza.

13.2.23

Paignton. Line learning linking material and rewrites of Fabaranza.

14.2.23

Line learning Fabaranza.

15.2.23

Practising random bits of the memorised material so far, then line learning Fabaranza. Evening, went to Exeter and performed five minutes and Who Wants Fame?, at Taking the Mic. Fluffed one line but generally it went well and people laughed at the jokes.

19.2.23

Brixham. Line learning and practicing Fabaranza. Afternoon, went to Totnes and performed at Word Stir, tried out some linking material in front of an audience.

20.2.23

Paignton. Fabaranza more light rewrites.

21.2.23

Line learning Fabaranza.

22.2.23

Ran through all of the show so far and was very pleased at how much I remembered. Then line learning the section after Fabaranza. Good progress.

23.2.23

Line learning linking material. Also, ordered a game show style buzzer as the only prop for the show.

24.2.23

Line learning linking material at the shop before work. The buzzer arrived. Evening, performed a little of the new linking material at an event at the Little Theatre, Torquay.

26.2.23

Brixham. Line learning linking material incorporating the buzzer.

27.2.23

Paignton, Line learning.

28.2.23

Line learning linking material.

1.3.23

Line learning linking material.

2.3.23

Line learning This City Never Seemed so Cruel.

3.3.23

Line learning This City Never Seemed so Cruel.

5.3.23

Brixham. Line learning This City Never Seemed so Cruel and linking material. Made decision to read the final poem from a piece of paper during performance to accentuate the fact that it was a piece written, so therefore the line learning phase is completed. On to actual rehearsing, now.

6.3.23

Line learning This City Never Seemed so Cruel.

8.3.23

Ran through the whole show so far. 58 mins so will have to prune maybe the last poem. Also decided that the back of the piece of paper uses for the last poem will have David Walliams written on it in big letters. Email from Guildford Fringe offering a date which I accepted.

9.3.23

Rewrote ‘To the Celebrity’.

10.3.23

Rehearsing ‘You Should Write a Poem . .’.

12.3.23

Brixham. Writing the show blurb and publicity material. Ran through the whole show. Then rewrote the middle section of The Contestants Await.

13.3.23

Line learning The Contestants Await.

15.3.23

Line learning The Contestants Await.

17.3.23

Applied to both Underbelly and Just the Tonic.

18.3.23

Received a list of possible dates from Just the Tonic. Decided to rewrite the last poem, or write a whole new poem to end the show in a less angry frame of mind!

19.3.23

Brixham. Wrote new poem ‘Woodlouse Boy’ to end the show. To the den and did a full run through of the show, also had a practise of Woodlouse Boy. Decided to look at the first song, Welcome to my Show, and wondered whether the show would benefit from something which I’m good at: something fast paced, like the opening of my show, Spout. Started work on a new opening poem. Managed to finish it by early evening, called it ‘This Is My New Show’.

20.3.23

Line learning This Is My New Show.

21.3.23

Received an offer from Just the Tonic! Accepted it, a two week run which I’ve not done before. Did the necessary paperwork. Line learning This Is My New Show.

22.3.23

A whole day line learning This Is My New Show, paperwork for Just the Tonic, work on the accompanying pamphlet. In the evening, performed linking material and the poem ‘You Should Write a Poem About That’ at the online Incite LGBT gig.

23.3.23

More paperwork for Just the Tonic, and line learning This Is My New Show.

26.3.23

Brixham. Full show run through, 56 minutes.

30.3.23

Line learning Woodlouse Boy.

1.4.23

Line learning Woodlouse Boy.

2.4.23

Experimented rehearsing using a chair.

5.4.23

Rehearsing again using a chair.

8.4.23

Decided to do away with the first poem altogether.

9.4.23

Full show run through without first poem.

13.4.23

Rehearsing.

14.4.23

Add lines to end of Woodlouse Boy, inspired by listening to The Waterboys, The Whole of the Moon.

26.4.23

Write new poem, ‘London is Mine for the Taking’, and ponder whether to include it in the show in place of ‘London’.

27.4.23

Decide to include poem. Start line learning.

28.4.23

Line learning London is Mine.

10.5.23

Rehearsal of show including new poem.

14.5.23

Brixham. Rehearse whole show with new poem and also the buzzer props. Goes well.

15.5,23

Flyers arrive for Barnstaple and Guildford.

Bouncer

Robert has the chance to be on prime time TV! What could possibly go wrong? A comedy poetry show about not becoming famous.

Join performance poet Robert Garnham for his new solo show, Bouncer. When Robert is asked to perform on the UK’s biggest TV talent show, he dreams of fame and fortune and never having to leaflet in Edinburgh again! But of course, these things never go the way you want them to go . . . An hour of storytelling, poetry and comedy about fame, and hope, and dreaming.

‘Playful, warm . . Funny and always surprising’. (Write Out Loud)

‘Wise’. (Word NYC).

‘Clever and entertaining’. (Barnstaple Theatrefest).

‘There’s warmth in his whimsy, it’s sturdy not flimsy’. (Matt Harvey)

‘Witticism, wordplay and wistful romanticism’. (Dandy Darkly)

On a cold, January evening, I caught a train from Devon to London. I was looking for some sense of magic in the air, a barely-perceptible tingle as if fortune were tickling my conscience and smoothing the way to a stardust future. But the train was cold, and dinner was a chicken tikka pasty I’d bought from the convenience store next to the station.

The countryside was hidden in darkness. Beyond the reflection of my own face I could make out tiny villages, clusters of lights in the middle of nowhere, lonely cow barns lit up against the frost, and I thought, do any of these people also dream of everlasting fame?

If you enjoy this video, feel free to pop something into my tip jar: https://ko-fi.com/robertgarnham

Bouncer

If you would like to see a short documentary / video diary about the process to learn Bouncer, this can be found here:

Sad news from the scone society

Dear fellow scone enthusiasts.

It pains me to write this letter, but circumstance has forced my hand. For many years, the Brixham Town Scone Society website has been a valuable tool for members to connect, ask advice, share cooking tips, and buy and sell both equipment and ingredients. There have been no complaints and many of us have both enjoyed, and taken advantage of, this wealth of scone-cooking know-how just a click of the mouse away.
However, lately it has come to the attention of this committee that the Classified section of the website has been coming under some abuse from certain members whose interests lay beyond mixing methods and how to create a really cracking milk glaze.
The problem first came to light when it was pointed out to me that a lot of our newer subscribers to the website, who filled in the online form, listed the classified section as their main motivation for doing so, yet almost all of them answered the question ‘How many hours a week do you spend cooking scones?’ with the response, ‘None’, and in a lot of cases, ‘I do not like scones’. This was somewhat perplexing and an investigation was launched in case there were some confusion in the title of our website, (Scones A-Plenty.com), or indeed if there were some new boy band or comic perhaps titled ‘Scone Man’, that was leading to this sudden influx in new members.
However, after a terrible mix-up (no pun intended) the other day in which one of our senior committee members, Maureen Hepplethwaite, found herself not at a scone cookery demonstration as she had been expecting, but at a swinger’s sex party, it was decided that action was needed.
The first thing we noticed was the number of young men offering a variety of different shaped spatulas for sale in the classifieds. While these are great implements in the mixing process, it is probably more common in the scone community to use wooden spoons, so I think it’s fair to say that this raised a few eyebrows among the committee. Most of these spatulas were advertised as being new, ‘or in new condition’, while some were being offered in a slightly battered state.
At this stage, alarm-bells didn’t actually start ringing. The admin behind running a pro-scone website means that some matters don’t actually get attended to until there’s some kind of emergency. The Great Flour Shortage of 2005 was one such calamity, and equally fraught was the resignation of our chairman in 2009 when he announced that frankly, he preferred muffins.
We then noticed the alarming number of society members offering scones of varying states of completion, some of which were ‘ready to pick up now’, others were, ‘come and collect’, while many were ‘lacking one final ingredient’. ‘Already in the mixing bowl’, apparently, (and according to Reginald, who does not proclaim to be an expert on such matters), means that the ‘seller’ is willing to conduct the process in their own home. ‘On the baking tray’, apparently means that they are willing to travel. And it’s anyone’s guess what ‘ready to be consumed with fresh fresh salad’, means. Suspicions were raised further when Phil Burton (member since 1988), advertised that he had a home-made ready mix featuring fresh sultana pieces and fruity chunks only to receive an email which read, ‘You’re a dirty boy, oh my, you’re a dirty boy!’, followed by someone's phone number.
Dear society members, this will just not do. To get to the root of the problem, we have employed a code-breaker whose previous area of expertise was the Egyptian hieroglyphs and also the mating call of the common sparrow. And it was no surprise to learn that the codes adopted by many of the users of our classified pages were also a base form of mating call in themselves . Once she had explained what many of the codes and terminologies were, I, as your brave Chairman, decided to pose online as one of these lovelorn scone-bakers with an advertisement composed specifically to entrap the guilty.
Spatula for sale (or rent). Slightly rusty yet ergonomically designed to offer maximum stirring. Mixture in bowl yet also functions on the tray. Fellow mixer must have GSOH. No salad please. Jam and cream to spread as desired. Satisfaction guaranteed. Stirs in an anti-clockwise or circular motion.
Alas, the only reply to my classified ad was from another society member who offered me a ‘lasagne’. ‘I don’t get it’, I said to the code-breaker.
‘Nor do I’, she replied.
And just to be safe, I haven’t eaten a lasagne since.
Dear society member, it is time to put an end to this, and the decision was recently taken at a committee level to put an end to the classified section of our website. We understand that this may very well reduce the number of people who have joined our society, (over twenty thousand new members in the last six weeks, a figure which still manages to perplex us), but we believe that this is the safest method to rid our wholesome community of undesirable attention.
Like many of you, I started out as a young man with a head full of ideas and dreams intent on devoting my life to the construction and consumption of the humble scone. Starstruck by such scone-bakers as Ethel P. Anderson and Audrey ‘Iron Knuckles’ McGinty, I saw the society as a means to connect with like minded souls whose purpose and heart were in a similar vein to my own. It has been nothing short of tragic to see our fine institution highjacked by those whose thoughts remain as base as their own animalistic instincts. I see this as an opportunity to root out these wrongdoers and make our society safe again!
The moment I’ve finished writing this email, I shall be visiting the committee where no doubt we shall be indulging in the wholesome pursuit of the perfect scone. And yes, fellow committee members, thanks for asking, I shall definitely be bringing my own spatula.

Yours
The chairman.

Rekkuds

This is a poem about a man who’s obsessed with his record collection. Taped live at Exeter’s Taking the Mic, November 2023. I hope you like it.

Rekkuds

Rekkuds

I like my rekkuds
I’ve got one or two
Playing my rekkuds
Is something I do.

They’re mostly jazz,
The rekkuds I play.
Whenever I listen
The world melts away.

I went to the rekkud shop and I said to the chap in there, I said,
I thought you liked jazz?, and he said, I do like jazz,
And I said, if you like jazz so much,
Then how come you ain’t bought any of these rekkuds?

I like my rekkuds.
33 rpm
I go home at night
I’m surrounded by them.

I went to this party and this bloke says to me, got any
Kylie Minogue?
I said, bugger off with your Kylie Minogue.

I like my rekkuds.
They’re mostly jazz.
I play them loud
So I can hear them
When I’m having a wazz.

I went to the hardware shop the other day and I bought a bucket,
Just a plain ordinary bucket, and when I paid for it,
The bloke behind the counter looked at my bucket
And he said, ‘Enjoy’.
How the bloody g hell am I meant to enjoy a bucket?

I like my rekkuds.
Of that I’m quite certain.
I play Frank Sinatra in the shower.
I face the vinyl curtain.

I saw a friend of mine, I asked him what job he had now,
He said, beefeater. He meant the restaurant but I said, oh,
You mean the Tower of Lunnon? Nobody laughed.
Why didn’t you laugh, I asked my mates, you miserable lot.
They said,
We would have done, if we’d have known it was funny.

I like my rekkuds.
I left a Thelonious Monk rekkud in the car.
Someone broke in
And added two more.

I treat my body like it’s a temple.
Shame it’s been
Converted into a Wetherspoons.

I like my rekkuds.
I like this poem.
I’ve made it to the end, for once.
Must be some kind of
Rekkud.

An Unexpected Phone Call – An extract from my show, ‘Bouncer’.

Hello, here’s a three minute section from my show Bouncer, which will be available to view online from November 1st. I hope you enjoy this!

An Unexpected Phone Call – An Extract from ‘Bouncer’, by Robert Garnham

You can see the show trailer here

Bouncer : The Film – Coming soon!

This month I had great fun making a filmed version of my Edinburgh solo show, Bouncer, with film maker John Tomkins. On a sunny morning, we booked. A beautifully sparse room at Paignton’s library and filmed the whole show, which John has edited wonderfully. I can’t wait for you to see the results.

The film takes place entirely with me seated at a desk, which is something that I’ve wanted to do with a solo show for quite some time. I think it really adds to the project. Here is a trailer for the film, which might give you some idea of how it looks:

So what is Bouncer about?

“Robert has the chance to be on prime time TV! What could possibly go wrong? A comedy poetry show about not becoming famous.

At the same time, I shall also be releasing a self-made video diary about the process behind learning the lines for the show. ‘Learning Bouncer’ was filmed from December 2022 onwards up until a point in which I believed I’d learned the whole show. Of course, I then rewrote big chunks of it!

These will both be ready from November 1st and you will be able to stream them from my website.

Tractors. A poem.

Poem

It’s not the countryside, he protested.
Just an enclave of the city.
The actual city. London, he said,
Like I had to be reminded which city.
It might look green but we got that
Big city vibe going on,
Urban infrastructure, neon, Oyster cards.
What about all the tractors?, I asked.
What tractors?, he said.
And at that moment, a tractor chugged past.

That’s highly unusual, he said.
We don’t often get tractors here,
Because this is the city.
I’m as shocked as you are.
Chug chug chug chug chug went
Another passing tractor.
There goes another tractor, I said.
I didn’t see one.
Are you sure it wasn’t a double decker bus?
And then another tractor chugged past.

It’s the pulsing throb of metropolitan energy I like,
He said,
Looking wistfully at a cow shed.
And a tractor chugged past.
You can even see Canary Wharf
If you go on the roof
And then climb into a hot air balloon
And go up and bring a telescope.
It’s right there, Canary Wharf,
That’s how urban this place is.
That thatched roof gets a bit slippery if it’s
Been raining.
And then another tractor chugged past.

The traffic is so bad, he said.
The other day I ordered a pizza.
The Deliveroo cyclist took nine hours.
He had to sleep on my sofa.
His big Deliveroo box frightened the hens.
Hens?, I said.
City hens, he said.
And then another tractor chugged past.

I thought to myself,
(Because you can’t think to other people),
I thought to myself,
I’ll let him enjoy his delusion,
For geographically he may be nearer Yeovil,
But at heart he’s a city boy
And he’s got that city life
And he’s got that city buzz
And sure, he swears blind that the sign on the bus stop
Which reads Farmers Market Every Tuesday
Is actually graffiti in rhyming slang for
Darren Is A Tosser
In a new kind of rhyming slang
That’s so modern that it
Doesn’t even rhyme,
But he’s a city boy.

And then another tractor chugged past.
And another tractor chugged past.
And then two tractors chugged past.
And then a combine harvester chugged past.
And then a tractor chugged past.
And I asked,
What’s with all these tractors?
And he said,
I don’t know, it’s weird, isn’t it?
Let’s go and make out in the turnip field.

Zach – A Poem from my show ‘Bouncer’

Hello,

Here’s a poem from my show, ‘Bouncer’. It’s about identity, and not feeling like you fit in, and not being called Zach.

I hope you like it.

Postcard from the Fringe (2)

You can see Arthur’s Seat from the window of my student accommodation. Boom, it’s right there, looking in all the time. At night you can see the torches and lamps of people climbing up it, which is kind of eerie. Lost souls, perhaps. And during the weeks of the fringe, Edinburgh has a lot of lost souls.

This is the longest that I’ve ever stayed in Edinburgh with a show, which means that this show is the one I’ve performed more times than any other. I know every inch of it, now. To think that I started work on this almost a year ago, almost as soon as I came home from last year’s fringe. No wonder I know the thing back to front.

And so does my technician, bless him. There are a couple of songs during the show, and I looked over to his booth during one of them and I could see his head bobbing away. He knew the words. He knew what was coming next. That poor chap could probably write a thesis about my show.

But I still hate the flyering. I still hate it with a passion. Today is my penultimate day, so that means I’ve only got two more flyering sessions left. Perhaps I wont even flyer at all on my last day, because immediately after the show, I’ll be off to the airport to get the plane home to Exeter. I might have luggage with me during the usual flyering session. To be honest, I think I’m just talking myself out of doing some flyering.

The shows have been going well. I’ve been very pleased with my performances. In two weeks, I’ve only ever stumbled over the words of a poem once, which isn’t bad, for me. The weird thing is that the audiences differ so much. You can have a small audience, but they can be very loud and appreciative. Or you can have a larger audience and everyone just sits there quietly and you think you’re going down like a lead balloon.

Of course, it’s the camaraderie and the connections you make, which makes a fringe all the more enjoyable. Not only my technician, but also my flyerer, Tash, who took two days off to get married. She has a very Scottish accent but we got talking the other day and it turns out that she grew up in the same part of the world as myself. And she’s very good at flyering. She’s even convinced people to come and see my show!

And then there are the other performers. People like Jonathan Kinsman, Tom Juniper, Elizabeth McGeown. There’s a great community here among the spoken word artists. It makes you think that you’re not alone.

So tomorrow I’ll be performing and then flying home. I have a taxi booked to pick me up from the airport and drive me the thirty miles to Paignton, which means that I’ll hopefully be home by around nine in the evening. And I’ll probably still be wearing the same clothes that I perform in. Obviously, not the sparkly sequin jacket or the top hat. And everything will start to feel like a dream.

In fact, it already does. I’m proud of this show and the fact that I’ve managed to stick at it for a year. I love the way that it flows and tells a story. It’s going to be weird not performing it every day.

And I’ll miss the routine, too. I won’t miss the flyering, (I usually start around 10.30, carry on till 12.30, then linger around outside my venue). Once the show is done I head up to the Plains and the Circus Hub, where there’s a bar that most people haven’t discovered yet, where I can find a table and relax and drink a cola and eat a sausage roll. There’s a van on the Plains which sells the most amazing sausage rolls. I think I’ll miss those sausage rolls.

https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/robert-garnham-bouncer

A Postcard from the Fringe

There’s a divine madness about the fringe. It’s so big that it brings out the despair in us all. How can one possibly compete with all of the other shows that are on at the same time? At the last reckoning, possibly six hundred going on at any one moment. Or was it six thousand? It couldn’t have been six million, though at times it seems it.

The venues are tucked anywhere throughout the city. If you stand still for long enough, you become a venue yourself. Underbelly have already contacted me about using space inside my backpack. It’s a new stage which they want to add to their roster, and advertise as The Cow Bag, and then rent it out to theatre companies. But then I moved, and they lost all interest.

There’s a piece of wasteland outside my student accommodation. It’s overgrown with vegetation and bushes and I stopped and looked at it and I thought, yes, there it is. The last place in Edinburgh which hasn’t been turned into a venue or a bar or a festival village. And just as I was standing there looking at it, someone tried to flyer me.

Because that’s what Edinburgh is all about. The flyering. You can have the best show ever written, and you can perform the best anyone has ever performed, but it’s the flyering which ensures people get in to see it, and it’s the flyering that ensures that the show is a success. Which is great if you have a passion for flyering, or if you have a theatre troupe filled with sixteen incredibly enthusiastic and young performers from middle class universities, with floppy hair and high cheekbones and winning smiles, but when you’re a lone operator doing it all yourself, from a seaside town in Devon, then the odds are already stacked against you.

Which is to say that I hate flyering. People scare me. The general public are frightening. I want to be polite at all times, but the moment I steel myself to smile and say hello, some young buck with an improvised opera jumps in and flyers the person that I’m just about to flyer. It’s a dog eat dog world. And also, my brain doesn’t move as quickly as some. I see someone coming and the words kind of tumble out in a nonsensical jumble. You wouldn’t think that I’m a performance poet! ‘Hello there. Yes, what it is, you see, I’ve written this show, and . . .’, by which time they’ve already walked away.

Consequently, I didn’t have much of an audience for the first couple of shows. One person turned up for each, and I knew each person. They were friends. I think my show is good, but they probably would have come even if it was just an hour of me on the stage doing armpit squelch farts. But there’s a guy from Cambridge University who’s already doing that, and he’s winning rave reviews.

I decided I needed a flyerer. I had no idea that you could just hire a flyerer. I thought only the good shows had a flyerer, because why would a flyerer want to flyer for something that nobody had heard of? But I went online and I made contact with a couple of flyerers. The first two didn’t turn up, on consecutive days. But the third did. And she’s wonderful.

I’ve had an audience ever since. She really knows how to bring in the people. I don’t know how she does it and I don’t really want to ask. Naturally, I was worried that she would take my leaflets and walk off and dump them in a recycling skip, but I actually saw her at work several times, and it really did fill me with glee.

We got chatting one day, my flyerer and I. She’s actually getting married in a couple of days. She’s getting married right on the Royal Mile. I even thought about popping along, or at least exit flyering the service. That’s how grateful I am at all of the flyering that she’s been doing.

The show is going well. In fact, the show is going really well. The last three shows have been absolutely wonderful. Great audiences, and I’m so comfortable with my performances. I know it inside out and I’m very happy with it. I think it’s the most accessible show I’ve done at Edinburgh, (which is code for the fact that this is my first show which doesn’t have an LGBTQ theme or gratuitous references to sex). It has: three costume changes, some choreography, a song, a high note which I try to sustain for twenty seconds, and I get to do a lot of acting, too. So yes, I’m very happy with it. From an artistic point of view.

I have a little post-show routine, now. If it’s a good show, I go to my favourite place at the fringe, which is the bar of the Circus Hub on the Plains, and I sit and have a cola and just relax. It’s a great place, because it doesn’t get as busy as the rest of Edinburgh and I can just take in the sunshine and listen to whatever’s going on inside the Big Top. There’s also a stall nearby which sells, quite frankly, the best sausage rolls I’ve ever seen.

So that’s how things are going, as I enter week number two. What will this week bring? Will audience numbers go down a bit, now that the weekend is out the way? Who will I get to do the flyering when my flyerer gets married? How does my show stack up against the six hundred that are also on at the same time? (Someone the other day called it ‘light and lovely’, which I kind of like). And at the end of the day, does any of this mean anything?

They always say that you should ask yourself why you’re coming to the fringe. Is it to get noticed? Is it to refine a piece of work? Is it to meet new fans? To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m here. I think it’s just the challenge of putting on a show, and writing it, and memorising it, and all of those other things. Or perhaps I’m just here to join in this merry dance, to at least say I gave it a bash.

My show details can be found here: https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/robert-garnham-bouncer