I’m a crusty pastry muncher,
I’m a bakery flakery luncher,
You can see the crumbs on my jumper.
I’m all hyped up on those fast food blues
I’m a king size two-for-one cruncher.
I’d lift a door right off its hinge,
I’m on a lunchtime sausage roll binge.
I’m the man Greggs warned their staff about,
A mad-eyed sneeze-guard lurker,
Jabbing a finger at that one, that one, no, that one,
You don’t understand, this is what a lunch hours for,
Just give me more.
Not on ounce of my life has a regretful tinge,
I’m on a lunchtime sausage roll binge.
The lad in the bakers gives me a wink I wonder why he’s so chummy
The sausage rolls that I just bought now deep down in my tummy
Baked pastry line astern crunchy and yummy and scrummy
Hyped-up whacked-out het up my trousers so very crummy
I stand in the bakery window very much like a clothes store dummy
Too hot from the oven, just don’t want to singe,
I’m on a lunchtime sausage roll binge.
I’m not one to stall
While on a bakery crawl
But they often close at five
It’s not fair and it’s quite cruel.
I often lose my cool
Like the sausage rolls which retain their heat for quite a while,
As a rule.
I’d consume them intravenously, delivered by a syringe,
I’m on a lunchtime sausage roll binge.
Crumbs in the bag,
When it’s just the dregs
Basted with eggs
Like the ones in Greggs
But the questions begs
Have you got hollow legs?
Is this normal behavior
Or something from the fringe?
No!
I’m on a lunchtime sausage roll binge.
It’s a calorific quite terrific
I’ve eaten so many I’m definitely prolific!
It’s a quite specific, scientific,
Mentioned by Egyptians on their hieroglyphics
Photographic, telegraphic,
What I’d like to do to one is borderline pornographic
In fact it would probably make you want to cringe
I’m on a lunchtime sausage roll binge.
Robert Garnham 