I met Scott Tyrrell at the Womad Festival. He’s a poetry slam champion, but he’s also won an anti-slam. That is, the prize for the (purposefully) worst poem in a slam competition. Indeed, these are competitions where the poets compete to be as bad as possible.
I like the whole idea of this. An anti-slam is a chance, of course, to go over the top, and to employ all those devices which ordinarily result in cringing. I wondered also if there was a sense of the OTT in anti-slam poetry.
The idea of it perplexed me and I wondered if I could write a poem that was purposefully bad, an anti-slam poem, while still employing all the traits, mannerisms and stylings of regular performance poetry.
I’m not sure if I will ever get the chance to enter an anti-slam, but this is what I’ve come up with. It’s an ode to styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
It’s called ‘Poem’.
Poem
Packaging!
Cardboard!
Delivery note!
Box!
Polystyrene!
What are you going to do with all that
Packaging, that styrofoam extruded polystyrene?
Where are you going to put all that styrofoam extruded polystyrene?
This whole room now is filled with styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
We could fill up a bin bag with styrofoam extruded polystyrene,
And then the bin, but there’s so much styrofoam extruded polystyrene
That the bin will be filled with styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
I see you every day ensconced in your styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
With the sultry glare of a rather more sensible
Justin Bieber and the irritability of styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
You have the tenacity of a lion and the litheness
Of styrofoam extruded polystyrene,
The durability of styrofoam extruded polystyrene, the reflexes of a cat,
The longevity of styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
How you glide like a swan made from styrofoam extruded polystyrene,
With your dreams of kings and queens and styrofoam extruded polystyrene,
Knights of the round table, chivalry, jousting tournaments
And styrofoam extruded polystyrene,
Bounding like spacemen on the surface of a moon
Made from styrofoam extruded polystyrene,
How can I see you?
How can I see you?
How can I see you,
Amidst all that styrofoam extruded polystyrene?
Everywhere everywhere styrofoam extruded polystyrene!
To the left, styrofoam extruded polystyrene!
To the right, styrofoam extruded polystyrene!
Give me your hand darling
And I give you styrofoam extruded polystyrene!
What’s that on the ceiling?
Is it coving?
Is it a lampshade?
No, it’s styrofoam extruded polystyrene!
Corn flakes, Weetabix, Frosties, styrofoam extruded polystyrene!
Rain, rain, rain in the morning,
And in the afternoon it’s styrofoam extruded polystyrene!
Hanging in the doctor’s waiting room
With a cold with a chill with a runny nose
With a broken leg with a funny pain in the ear
Is it a fever, is it flu,
Is it an allergic reaction?
No, it’s styrofoam extruded polystyrene!
Stay calm big fella stay calm
The master of the hounds has a particularly
Malevolent stare
Cracking his whip and barking his orders
Taking out his shiny new pistol
And aiming it
Fetch me that blunderbuss big fella
Its wrapped in styrofoam extruded polystyrene!
Squeaky squeaky squeaky
Big white blocks rubbing together
Like Arctic sea ice
Crumbly crumbly see how they snow
Caught on wind caught on eddies
Pooling in a mini vortex on the kitchen floor.
styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
(Use voice changer)
Give me your styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
I want your styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
I’ll do anything for your styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
I can’t live without your styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
Dancing in the nightclub swirling gyrating
So sneaky sexual hearty pumping hear
The rhythm thump with styrofoam extruded polystyrene.
My heart is lonely.
The nights are long.
The world is dark.
Nobody hears my song.
styrofoam extruded polystyrene
styrofoam extruded polystyrene
styrofoam extruded polystyrene
styrofoam extruded Polystyrene
Robert Garnham 