Bank Holiday in a Pencil Shop

 Gentle persistent rain falls on fleshy jungle leaves, sounding like polite theatre applause. It’s humid in the rainforest, sticky and uncomfortable. But Genre Philips is used to it, he’s been all over the world and experienced all kinds of discomfort for his job, he’s a professional. The archetypal explorer in his linen suit, machete at hand, thrashing at vines and undergrowth in his determination to find exactly what he wants. There’s a lot riding on his efforts. Multinational companies, contracts and businessmen, and the entire future of the pencil retail industry propel him on through inhospitable terrain and incredible hardship in order that he advance human progress. The sweat rolls from his gritty brow as he pushes aside one last jungle creeper, finding himself in a clearing so far from human habitation as to make him one of the very first to stand right here, right on this spot.         A smile creases his face.

         ‘Genre Philips’, he says to himself, ‘You’ve done it again’.

 

A career in retail has its own highs and lows, as any other job might. Seldom does the incredible sacrifice of working tirelessly to feed customer demand get recognised by those who have never had to endure the exquisite pain of working on bank holidays. There are perks, of course, such as slightly reduced hours and no scheduled deliveries, but these are outweighed by the stinginess of head office when it comes to coughing up for extra cover. Bank holidays are usually staffed by one or two soulless suckers who, by dint of rota and sheer bad luck, find themselves spending what might otherwise be a day of relaxation and laziness in doing what they might do any other day of the week. That is to say, feeding the shopping habits of the public, standing around with hands on hips looking at a shop completely devoid of any customers at all.

         Sandra calls in with a migraine and I am left as the only member of staff on duty.

         Which doesn’t upset me in the least. I know that not many people will want to go out on a bank holiday and purchase pencils. When you work in a shop that sells only pencils, you really are aiming yourself towards a very narrow market at the best of times, and a bank holiday is seldom a good time, let alone one of the best. At least I can get things done, like cleaning the shelves and rearranging all of the pencils, making sure not to spend too much time looking out of the window in the morning so that at least I’ve got something to do in the afternoon. The only problem, of course, comes with wanting to go to the toilet.

         Not much happens for the first half hour. The town is dead and a steady rain falls from the steel grey sky. The shop, with all of its retail gaiety, sits useless and humming, fluorescent lights emphasising the fantastic array of pencils just to me. All this effort, I tell myself. All of the thinking and the exuberance gathered over a lifetime of retail management went in to creating the branding and the display methods of the pencils here, just so that nobody will look at any of them. Society, I tell myself – (getting philosophical, all of a sudden) – can be so very wasteful. All that effort and thinking might otherwise have gone in to something useful.

         From the corner of my eye I note that some people have stopped outside of the shop. They are chatting among themselves, two older ladies in purple anoraks sheltering under an umbrella. How nice, I tell myself. They seem so agile, so animated, it’s good that they can still summon such enthusiasm for life at their age. Ten minutes later I realise that they are still there, still just as animated, both of them with their backs to the plate glass window looking out at the street. I then notice that one of them is carrying a large cardboard sign.

         Hmmm.

         ‘What is it?’, I ask, popping my head out of the door.

         ‘Bastard’, one of them says.

         ‘Can I help you?’

         ‘You are a symbol’, the other one says, ‘Of the greed and bloodshed which causes heartache and loss among the poorest people of the world, while lining the pockets of those who are already millionaires’.

         ‘In a pencil shop?’, I ask.

         Two of them. One has a long grey pony tail, the other a very rather fetching and quite retro blue rinse. The one with the blue rinse has her hood up. The one without the blue rinse stands proud in the rain, occasionally crouching down under the umbrella.

         ‘You know what you’ve done’.

         I try to think back. There seems so much that someone might protest about, standing outside a pencil shop, from the increasing reliance on computers and tablets to the ever-controversial introduction of the first Super HB waterproof mega pencil, one bite of which, according to the pencil consumer magazines, might result in instant death.

         ‘You’re going to have to remind me’, I tell them.

         ‘This company’, pony tail says, ‘And the other companies with which it engages, is systematically destroying vast areas of rainforest in order to manufacture yet more pencils. And we’re here to put a stop to it, or at least, dent some of the profits that your uncaring, heartless organisation might make on a bank holiday’.

         I want to tell them that any company which hires me is already well on its way to denting its profit margins.

         ‘It’s pouring with rain’, I tell them.

         ‘Climate change’, blue rinse says. ‘Which can also be linked to the deforestation caused by the public’s seemingly insatiable appetite for new pencils’.

         She’s got a point, of course. Just like our pencils.

         ‘Let’s have a look at your sign’, I tell them.

         They turn it so that I can get a better look. It reads, ‘Don’t shop here if you want pencils because this company is implicit in the destruction of the rainforest because that’s where they get their wood from to make their pencils from’.

         ‘Snappy’, I tell them.

         ‘Thank you’.

         ‘Let me know if you’d like a cup of tea at any time’.

 

The morning progresses and not much happens. The presence of the old ladies out the front of the shop is somewhat unsettling. For all the faults of the company and the emotional turmoil of a career in retail, it’s still a little insulting to have someone take offence to the way in which it operates, even if their concerns are quite valid. The tenacity of the old ladies is remarkable, huddling together when the wind picks up and the rain starts blowing horizontally. I try to tune them out and go about my normal duties, which includes dusting the displays of pencils and mopping the floor whenever anyone comes in with a dripping umbrella. I sell two pencils in an hour. It’s actually not a bad day.

         And then my mind starts to wander. I recall the man I saw the other day, wearing a pair of spats. I’d always wondered what a spat looked like, and now I felt I’d learned something interesting.

         I sit down on a stool behind the till. Ordinarily, sitting down behind the counter would be frowned on by senior management, but the fact remains that both The Manager and the Area Manager will be enjoying their days off and not even thinking about how things are going. The chance of either of them walking in is very remote indeed.

         A large man enters the shop. I recognise him as one of our regular customers, a lecturer at a nearby university who lives locally and often pops in. He has an enormous belly and sideburns to match, the top pocket of his tweed jacket full of pens and pencils.

         He stops halfway down the first aisle and picks up a packet of pencils. He puts on a pair of pince nez glasses and reads the small print of the packet intently. Suddenly, a deep opera voice fills the shop and he starts to sing to the pencils.

     

   ‘Oh pencils, oh pencils,

I love you so much!

You shall make me

A wonderful bunch!

Oh pencils oh pencils

You shall be

On the top of my desk

And used often by me!’

 

         He does this every time he comes in. I often wonder if he realises he’s doing it at all. Once we tried to ask him whether he’d had a background in opera but he’d mumbled something about needing to save his voice, and that life itself was a never-ending opera. He picks up a packet of assorted rubbers.

 

‘Oh wondrous rubbers, both fat and thin!

You shall not erase the mistakes I have within!

Oh you I shall depend to make problems go away,

That I may live to carry on in this way’.

 

              He now scrutinises a bag of pencil sharpeners.

 

‘Pencil sharpeners of beauty,

A wonderful sight,

You shall sharpen my pencils,

Oh what a delight,

So new in your packaging,

So spotless and clean,

You and me make a formidable team!’

 

         Opera Man is at the counter now. I keep having to tell myself, ‘Don’t mention his signing, don’t mention his singing, just take the money and say goodbye’.

         ‘Nice spot of weather’, I tell him, in that ironic jocular sort of way that retail staff often use.

         ‘Ooooooooo, yes it is’, warbles Opera Man.

         ‘That’s one pound ninety four’.

         ‘And heeeeere’s a five pound note!’

         Opera Man wipes his immense forehead with a handkerchief.

         ‘Here’s your change’.

         ‘Thaaaaaank-youuuuuu!’

         Opera Man takes his purchases and leaves, to a chorus of abuse from the old ladies outside.

         The shop is deserted once again. There’s a strange quietness in the air now that the Opera Man has gone. It’s as if the whole place has breathed out a sigh of relief. The lone shopping trolley stands in the corner, a strange object which harks back to a time of enthusiasm and optimism when the Manager thought that the pencil shop would be so busy that people needed shopping trolleys. I get up and I push it along, down one of the aisles, just to see if the slope in the floor has got any worse during all of this damp weather. It goes running off on its own and picks up speed, comes to a limp halt next to a display of pencils decorated with penguins. I can hear the rain pelting now against the plate glass window. For the sake of scientific discovery, I use the shopping trolley two more times in order to discover exactly where the floor slopes.

         Someone comes in.

         ‘Morning!’

         It’s the compulsive shoplifter. Every shop has one. She’s a haggard, downtrodden-looking woman, carrying a large, bulky shopping bag which she presses tight to her chest. The last time she came in she made off with a pencil, and them time before that she made off with two pencils, each time outwitting all the staff. The bulky shopping bag was the reason why she could be challenged about the theft of the pencils, because once they enter that cavernous space, there’s every chance that they might never be seen without a citizen’s arrest and a search warrant. But everything about her is suspicious. She wanders around the shop, flitting from aisle to aisle, picking things up and putting them back, and normally, once she’s swiped whatever it is that she’s come in for, she’ll walk out of the door as fast as she possibly can.

         But I feel bad in suspecting her. She might not be a shoplifter at all. It’s just the Manager who says that she’s a shoplifter, because the Manager says ‘You can tell by her behaviour’. She might be innocent, perhaps too afraid or embarrassed to make those first faltering steps into owning a pencil.

         In any case I follow her around, keeping track behind her while at the same time pretending to be checking stock levels. She moves fast, zipping from one display to the next and watching my progress from the corner of her eyes. I am determined that today shall be the day when the question of her innocence is solved once and for all, that I should catch her in the act of stealing pencils, or else satisfy myself that she’s as weird as Opera Man. She watches me as I make an imaginary list of things that the first aisle needs, then watches me again as I pretend to tidy some shelves. I follow her closely, and I watch as she reaches out for one of the most expensive pencils in the whole shop – the Super Silver HB Special from the company’s very own Unique Collection – when the door opens.

         ‘Cooo-eeee, love!’, an old lady says. ‘I’ve just been speaking to the ladies out the front. When are they going to get their cup of tea?’

         Distracted, she slips out of the door as fast as she can.

         ‘Well, thank you!’, I tell her. ‘Thank you very much!’

         I recognise the lady who’s just come in. She’s a regular, not that she ever buys anything. She’s a regular in that she regularly comes in. She has compensated for her little mouth by enlarging it ten times with lipstick, she has a face so powdered that it looks like a freshly rolled out lump of puff pastry on a floured surface. But most worryingly, she is permanently cleaning out both of her ears at once with cotton buds, one in each hand. She is the infamous Ear Wax Lady.

         ‘They’re nothing to do with the shop’.

         ‘I thought they were friends of yours’.

         ‘They’re just . . . Spectators’.

         ‘Nasty weather, isn’t it?’

         ‘Typical bank holiday’.

         ‘Bank holiday, is it? I didn’t even realise. But that’s what happens when you’re retired, I suppose’.

         ‘You know, I’d almost caught a shoplifter when you came in’.

         She keeps on digging her way into her ears with the cotton buds. I’ve never seen anything like it before. Even after all these years, it strikes me as a little bit strange. You think you’d get used to regular customers, with their little foibles, but nothing can quite prepare you for the strangeness of the Ear Wax Lady. Not even Opera Man.

         ‘How are you, today?’

         ‘Well, dear’, she says, without stopping her cotton bud routine. ‘Life is like the warning on the box of cotton buds. Its says Do not stick too far into the inner ear. Yet sometimes, you have to push that extra bit harder’.

         You have to. She’s right. She’s hit the philosophy of life right on the head. She goes out there into the world trying to make every moment as pleasurable as possible. It’s people like the Ear Wax Lady who make the world go round.

         ‘Now tell me’, she says. ‘Where are your biscuits?’

         ‘We don’t stock biscuits’.

         ‘And what about cough sweets?’

         ‘We don’t stock cough sweets. We only sell pencils’.

         ‘Ah, yes. I keep forgetting. That’s the trouble, when you’re digging away like this. Sometimes you forget about the small details’.

         The Ear Wax Lady departs.

         Nothing happens for a very long time. I sit at the counter again and I start to ponder on the questions that have perplexed me for most of my life. If it’s minus thirty degrees and you walk into a freezer which is kept at minus five degrees, does it feel any warmer? If everybody in the world jumped up and down at the same moment, would the planet shift on its axis? How many times has a single droplet of water been drunk since the start of time? Does light erode? Does nothing exciting ever happen in a pencil shop on a bank holiday?

         The door opens.

         Two men come in. They’re wearing long, dark coats. I can tell immediately that they’re not here to buy pencils. Gaunt, unsmiling, and wearing sunglasses and pork pie hats, one of them looks round the shop while the other one comes over to me at the till. Part of me wonders if they’re from the council, but then I see how expensive their suits are, and how incredibly menacing the looks on their faces.

         ‘You in charge, here?’

         ‘For today, yes’.

         ‘Nice place’.

         ‘Thanks’.

         ‘Shame to see anything bad happen to it’.

         ‘Yes, it would be’.

         ‘Shame to see it disassembled’.

         ‘Eh?’

         ‘I said, shame to see it disassembled’.

         ‘I heard’.

         He bends closer. He’s older than his clothing hints. Behind the sunglasses and the hat, I see the wrinkled features of a man well into his eighties.

         ‘You see, I run a small insurance company’.

         ‘Oh, yes’.

         I find myself sounding as if I’m at home chatting with a door-to-door toilet cleaner salesman.

         ‘And you pay me a certain amount each week. Otherwise, you may get a visit from the boys, and we don’t want that to happen now, do we?’

         He’s close enough to me for me to hear the whine of his hearing aid.

         ‘Ah, I see. And these . . Boys. How old are these . . .’. I gulp, somewhat audibly. ‘Boys?’

         ‘I’ll just say, they’ve left middle school’.

         ‘Hur hur’, I say, in attempt to laugh, but it comes out as more of a dry croak. ‘Hurk’.

         ‘I’ll bid you a good day’.

         He swaggers out with his accomplice, and then he swaggers back in again.

         ‘Forgot my walking stick’.

         He swaggers back out, past the protestors.

         I knew it. I knew something like this would happen. The omens were everywhere, now that I look back. How else can some of the businesses in this town survive without the protection of such shady individuals? I feel my heart rate increasing as I realise the trouble that I might now get myself in to, just by working in a shop which sells pencils. Worst case scenarios drift before my mind, of the company refusing to pay up to their demands and of me being abducted, driven out along the coast past the pier and up into the wilds, the cliffs, the pouring rain, the rural hinterlands where nobody would find my body for days. Sweat starts rolling down the side of my face. Retail, that’s what the careers advisor at school said. Retails is just the sort of career that you might want to head in to. Nothing bad ever happens in retail, it’s all just facts and figures and customer service, unpacking boxes and keeping delivery notes. That’s all retail is.

         They didn’t mention death.

         ‘Down to the pencil shop!’, the protestors outside begin to chant. ‘Down to the pencil shop!’

         I manage to relax. But I can’t relax for long. The shop, with all of its familiarity, suddenly seems the most harmful place in the world. The man, whose features I barely saw underneath those sunglasses and that hat, the man who leaned across the counter and whispered to me, his breath smelling of garlic and mints, like a portent of death, evil incarnate threatening at any moment to ‘send the boys round’. I take several deep breaths and I try to think that it all might be some magnificent hoax, a joke played by someone I once upset because I wouldn’t give them a refund on a pencil sharpener. That’s what it is, I tell myself, eventually. A hoax. That’s what it’s got to be.

         The door opens and a young man comes in.

         ‘Lamp shades?’

         ‘Pardon?’

         ‘Lamp shades?’

         ‘We don’t sell lamp shades, I’m afraid’.

         ‘There used to be a shop right here which sold lamp shades’.

         ‘That was about twelve years ago. It shut down, I’m afraid’.

         ‘So, no lamp shades, then?’

         ‘No’.

         ‘Don’t know why I bother, some times’, he says.

         And he leaves.

         I get up and I walk around. It’s amazing that I haven’t needed to go to the toilet yet. That’s usually one of the first things which happens when you’re looking after a shop all day. And the moment you really need to go very badly, that’s when it suddenly packs out with customers. It’s uncanny. But today, on a rainy, dead bank holiday : nothing.

         I can’t get the image of the men in the dark suits out of my mind. I reach under the counter for the Manager’s Manual, but there’s nothing in there about dealing with The Mob. In fact, the only thing under M in the Manager’s Manual is ‘Managing Stock’, and once you get to that page it just says, ‘Refer to section on Stock Management’. The page which it refers to just says, ‘Refer to section on Managing Stock’. But there’s nothing about ‘Managing the Mob’.

         I tell myself that I’m being silly. There’s no harm, here. That’s what I decide. Nothing bad will happen to me, because even if the mob did want their money, there’s hardly enough in the till to pay them. Opera Man spent one pound ninety four, and there’s a forty quid float, out of which I took fifty pence to buy some milk. I decide that the best strategy might be just to buy them off with the promise of a cup of tea and a couple of free pencils.

         An artist comes in.

         At last! I perk up a bit. He’s wearing a beret, sat at a jaunty angle. He even has little goatee beard.

         ‘Pencils?’, he asks.

         ‘Thousands of them!’

         He goes over to the displays and he browses. There’s something comforting about him, not only the promise that he might actually spend some money, but also the contrast he makes with the other people who have been in. His face betrays a kindly benevolence, considered and at one with the world, so unlike anyone else in the retail sector.

         ‘Can I help with anything?’

         ‘I’m looking for pencils. Pencils of every description. I’ve got quite a big order, I’m afraid. I don’t want to take you from your tasks’.

         ‘Not a problem’.

         He takes a basket and begins to fill it up.

         ‘We’ve had a new shipment in. These ones, here’. I hold up one of the new red pencils which I’d filled one of the shelves with. ‘They’re really good. They’re . . . red’.

         ‘Ah, magnificent!, the artist replies. ‘A masterpiece of understatement! The element of organised chaos and maelstrom in everyday life. That unconscious note of unhappiness with the colour red, our unwillingness to comply with that mental red stop light which appears in our heads. It’s a fantastic achievement, my dear friend. However, I shant be purchasing it’.

         I like the way he talks.

         ‘What do you think of this place?’

         ‘I see this building as representing the ruins that the commercial world has become. It’s a cry for help, isn’t it? The broken and missing roof tiles refer to a lack of or thinning hair. The sloping floor here, standing for the unsteady ground on which we all stand. The crack in the corner of the window indicates the need we have once our eyesight begins to diminish of wearing glasses or some other visual aid. You know this morning I saw a cow in a field and I thought, yes, that cow, standing there, that’s its job, that’s its purpose. And the aircraft I saw flying overhead, showing that even in that agricultural scene, one cannot escape the modern world. It is pitiful, is it not? But its pitiful nature makes it superb. A part of that old broken world which lies deep within us all’.

         I have no idea what he’s talking about, but his basket is getting more and more full, and my brain begins to tot up what his purchase might come to. Excitement builds, because this might make it all worth while. The Opera Man, the Ear Wax Lady, the mob, the protestors, even the man who wanted lamp shades, all of that was endured just because of this one sale.

         ‘Oh, what’s this?’

         ‘What’s what?’

         ‘What’s this, here?’

         He points in to the corner of the shop.

         ‘Looks like someone’s shopping’.

         Except that it doesn’t. It looks like a suspect package. Something wrapped up and left on the floor with a note attached. I think once again of the mobsters and the one who went off looking round the shop while I talked to the old man. One of them could easily have put it there, ready t enact some kind of revenge in case their demands were refused. Or perhaps it might have been someone on behalf of the protestors, using violence and terrorism to publicise their concerns. I look through the window at the two old ladies. Could they really have planted a bomb?

         ‘It looks a bit suspicious’, the artist says.

         ‘Well don’t worry about that. Tell me, what other pencils are you looking for at the moment?’

         ‘I don’t really think I . . .’.

         ‘Yes?’

         ‘I don’t think I ought to be here, not with that’.

         He points again.

         ‘Ignore it. It’s just someone’s shopping’.

         ‘I’m a sensitive soul. I’m an artist. I can’t be where there’s danger, that’s not the sort of person I am. How can I ever make the world a better place if I’m blown to smithereens? Sorry, but I must go’.

         ‘No’.

         He flings his basket to the floor and races out of the shop.

         The two old ladies outside cheer.

         Again, my heart rate increases. I go to the aisle and I pick up the item. It’s wrapped in paper and the note attached says, ‘Do not touch’. I bring it over to the counter at the exact moment that a feeling of lightheadedness comes over me. What a fool I have been! I should have left it where it was, not even touched it! And now it’s in my hands, and it could explode at any minute!

         I breathe quickly. Short gasps. Again, sweat starts to roll down the side of my face.

         Everything which happens next is just instinct.

         With the least amount of movement possible, I wrap one of my legs around the support of the nearby table. Slowly but surely, I drag the table towards me, trying not to make any sudden movements. It takes a couple of minutes, millimeter by millimetre, but soon the table is placed flush against the wall directly underneath the telephone.

         The next thing I do is to kick off a shoe, which is harder than it sounds when you’re not wanting to make any sudden movements. This, too, takes about five minutes, but once its done I’m able to use my foot to kick at a display of pencils until one of them falls on the floor. I then manage to pick this up with my foot, then angle it in such a way as to press the button which turns on the kettle, which I’d earlier placed on top of the table at the start of my shift.

         A minute or so later the kettle begins to boil and the steam from the spout rises up. Using the pencil to keep the kettle boiling by switching the switch back on whenever it goes off, I am able to make the telephone on the wall begin to glisten with moisture until, at long last, the receiver falls off.

         Using a spare finger, I hook the lead of the telephone receiver and draw it towards the suspect package, pulling the lead ever tighter until it is wrapped around the handles of the bag, and then in one smart maneouvre I drop the package and grab the telephone receiver lead so that the package is now suspended in mid air, one hand still supporting it so as to leave the other hand free.

         Using this free hand, I reach out and grab the long wooden pole which we use for opening the high windows. Using the pole with one hand, I grab the fire extinguisher and pull it along to where I am trapped behind the counter with the bomb, now hanging from the telephone lead.

         The sweat is rolling down my face and in to my eyes. I put the pole down and drag the waste paper bin towards me, placing it directly underneath the suspended suspect package.

         At this moment the door opens again.

         My heart sinks.

         It’s the men in suits again. Except this time, there’s six of them. Six men in dark suits, sunglasses, pork pie hats, and some of them are carrying mallets. The situation could possibly not get any worse.

         ‘All right, lads?’, the old man says. ‘This is the place. We’ve not heard anything about their demands. In fact it looks like they’ve scarpered. You know what you have to do’.

         I close my eyes. They might find me at any moment. If the bomb doesn’t go off, then they will abduct me, take me out into the hills and the dales around the town.

         ‘Ready, boys?’

         ‘Sure, boss’.

         ‘Please’, I whisper. ‘Please’.

         But none of them can hear me. With one hand still holding the package, the other now edging me away from everything underneath the counter where I can watch them through the gap between the fittings, I feel useless and trapped in a hopeless situation.

         ‘Where do you want us to start dissembling?’, one of them asks.

         ‘Wherever you decide. Let’s start with that display of pencils’.

         I frown. I look closer through the gap between the till unit and the display stand. It seems that they’re all over eighty.

         ‘OK, lads. Here we go. It’s been a few years since we’ve done this, but it’s something that never goes away’.

         The old man takes a mallet and raises it into the air to smash one of the display stands. But the effort is too much and he has to put it down. He tries to pick it up again, but something lets go in his back and he drops it to the floor, clutching the base of his spine.

         One of the men picks up a chair and then has to put it down again.

         One of them picks up a pencil and tries to snap it, but the effort is too much and he has to have a sit down and a bit of a breather.

         One of them takes two paces into the shop and has to lean against the wall. He rummages in his pockets and puts a couple of pills into his mouth.

         Their leader is up again, he goes over to the giant novelty pencil which stands in the corner of the shop and tries to tear it from its base, but it’s obviously more stronger than him. He lifts both feet off the ground and finds himself gently swinging back and forth like Tarzan in an old folk’s home. He has to be rescued by one of his accomplices.

         Within two minutes, the ‘boys’ are reduced to sitting, leaning or lying down, wheezing and groaning. One by one they stagger from the shop.

         ‘Well, I managed to send them packing’, I tell myself.

         But the adventure is not over yet. With my free hand I pick up the fire extinguisher, and in one very quick movement I drop the suspect package into the waste paper bin while simultaneously squirting the contents of the fire extinguisher on top of the probable bomb. At long last, when it’s obvious that the package has been well and truly doused, I am able to finish and lean back against the wall, floods of relief causing me to feel almost dizzy with delayed shock.

         The package floats there, in the water-filled bin. Gingerly, I reach down and peel back a layer to see what might lie inside.

         Pencils.

         New pencils, from head office. Left on the shop floor. And that’s when I recognise the writing on the note as being that of my boss. Leave here, it had said. For me to put on the shelves if I got bored. Because that’s what happens on a bank holiday. People get bored.

 

I take the old ladies a cup of tea and some biscuits. They’re very thankful, and I tell them that I will be shutting the shop an hour earlier than usual, you know, what with it being a bank holiday and everything. One of them asks me if it’s been a busy day and I say no, no it hasn’t. We only took one pound and ninety four pence.

         ‘In that case’, she replies, ‘Our protest has been worth it’.

         I ask them exactly how bad the deforestation is out in the jungle, and how I might play a small part in combating it, you know, in honour of their protest.

         ‘Do everything you can’, they reply, ‘To make sure that the shop doesn’t keep taking the huge amounts that it currently is. There’s more to life than retail, you know. It is the most thankless of careers’.

         ‘Did you happen to see anything going on in here today?’, I ask. ‘I mean . . Anything at all?’

         ‘Not really. It didn’t look like anything interesting was going on’.

 

Genre Philips gets out his ruler and measures the height of a sapling. The hot tropical sun beats down and the air is thick with insects and the hooting of various monkeys. He gets out his clipboard and writes down some calculations, only for his pencil to snap. He stands there for a couple of moments, disbelieving, then lets out a long, low laugh which echoes back from dense vegetation. Soon, he tells himself. Soon, people will be able to just throw pencils away, and it wont mean a thing, and nobody will ever realise that he went to such lengths to make their world a better place. But before then, before that fantastic time arrives, when people are able to just reach out and touch fate, before that time, there will be much work to be done.

         Most of the heroes of the world are invisible 

 

Poem (People Keep Mistaking Me For Tom Daley) 

Poem

Got mistaken again last night

For Olympic diver Tom Daley.

That’s the third time this week.

The classically handsome features,

The tanned, toned physique,

That winning smile,

Just like Tom Daley.

A lot of people have said

We could be twins.

Coming out of Morrissons with a

Supermarket trolley,

Some yob shouts from the bottle bank,

Tom! Tom! Tom!

Tom Daley! Tom Daley!

It’s Tom Daley!

Swimmer bloke! Trampoline swimmer bloke!

Tom Daley! Divey swimmy divey divey

Swimmer bloke!

From the tv!

Oi!

Tom Daley Tom Daley Tom Daley Tom Daley!

He then peered at me closer and said,

Oh.

In the coffee shop,

Flapjack please and a decaf cappuccino 

The barista above the steam gurgle machine

Says, half heartedly, ‘hon haley?’

And I say, what?

And she says, 

‘hon haley? hon haley?

and I say what?

And she says,

‘hon haley.

Nothing, nothing

I thought . . .

Sitting in the coffee shop

Avoiding eye contact

Feeling

Awkward.

Tom Daley is one of my favourite athletes.

This is because of the way that Tom Daley dives.

Tom Daley climbs up the ladder and then

Tom Daley dives off of it and Tom Daley

Hits the water and then Tom Daley swims to the side

And Tom Daley climbs out of the pool.

You could buy Tom Daley an ice cream and Tom Daley

Is the sort who would say thank you for buying me

An ice cream because that’s the sort of person

That Tom Daley is.

I dreamed that he came round

And we chatted about Professor Brian Cox

And now his to shows, informative as they are,

Might be half an hour shorter

If he didn’t speak

So

Slowly

The cat wanted to go out and

Tom Daley volunteered.

Come here, Kevin, he says,

Come here.

The cats called Kevin.

Sometimes people mistake me for

Professor Brian Cox, too.

I’m not Tom Daley

But if I was I’d probably

Wear a false handlebar moustache

In public

In case someone dropped their handbag

Into a river or a harbour

And a call went up among the throng,

‘Is anyone here an Olympic diver?’

Another invitation this week

To open a summer fete.

Just wear your swim shorts, the email said,

So we can put pictures in the staff magazine.

They thought I was you know you.

I’m fed up that

People use me just as a sex object.

Turned on the tv last night.

Diving championships,

Happened to be on.

Just in time to see Tom Daley

Clambering up for another

Rocket ship from the springboard.

And the commentator said,

‘And now here’s something different,

It’s performance poet Robert Garnham’.

A walk around rainy Brixham

Most weekends I come over to Brixham. You know, how Superman has his fortress of solitude, or the prime minister has Chequers. Or the president has Camp David. It’s a nice way of ending one week, beginning the next, catching up with The Olds, and catching up on reading.
Brixham feels like the end of the universe. It’s a town on a rocky escarpment which juts out into the sea ending with the sheer drop of Berry Head. It’s the end of the line. There’s nothing after Brixham except salt water and fishes.
Obviously the news the last two days has been depressing and the weather has been wet and windy, but today I decided to go for a walk and perhaps think of subjects to write poems about. The town centre was mostly closed due to the end of the tourist season, and sheets of rain could be seen blowing diagonally across the harbour where paint peeled row boats jiggled like shivering mice. In quick succession I saw:
1- A sign on a closed cafe which should’ve said ‘Closed due to our renovations being carried out’ which now read, having slumped down on its blue tack, ‘Closed due to our being carried out’.
2- A young teenaged man working in a themed restaurant, in an alleyway, dressed as a pirate, emptying a Hoover bag into a bin.
3- A sign on a shop which read, (rather inexplicably), ‘Due to staff illness, please use the other door’.
I went to a coffee shop to try and write an acrostic poem. I couldn’t think of anything to write an acrostic for. Normally a quite famous local poet is in there, holding court, and he once said to me, ‘I feel as if I ought to know you from somewhere’, but he wasn’t there today. I pondered on life and how lonely and cold Brixham felt, then stood up to leave.
Just then the door opened and my ex came in. He looked well. Sickeningly well. He looked fit and happy and for some reason was wearing tshirt and shorts. We exchanged pleasantries and I told him how weird it was to see him here, of all places. My fortress of solitude. He said that he was in a charity Zumba day at the social hall. Which was the last sort of thing I expected to be happening at a sleepy Autumn fishing port.
I walked home and wondered briefly what it was all about, and whether I should be doing something like Zumba, or whether it mattered at all, that such an ostensibly lonely walk around a shivering little town should leave me feeling strangely good about people. 

Anatomy of a gig

  Before the gig:
At this precise moment I’m on a train and I’m going to a gig in Bristol. Indeed it’s quite an honour to be doing this gig because it’s a fundraiser for Poetry Can, an organisation I rather like, and it’s part of the Bristol Poetry Festival, and I’m one of two main guests. I thought I’d write this blog to tell you exactly how I feel.

The answer is mega nervous. My mind keeps running over the small things that can go wrong. And then it runs over the big things. The main concern at the moment is ‘will I be crap’? I know that the organisers have asked me because they like my stuff, and also because I’m cheap and available. But what if tonight’s the night where it all falls apart like a cheap microwave lasagne? What if I’m so preoccupied with other things that I don’t have my mind on it and I seem withdrawn and distracted? What if tonight’s the night that something really bad happens in the news and no one cares about my own particular brand of whimsy?

Just writing this adds to the nerves!
And what about the other things. Will nobody turn up? Will I not make it to the venue? Will I spill my drink over someone important? Will I get drunk for the first time since 1991 and upchuck over the first row during my performance? Will I have a sudden attack of the willies and run out of the room screaming? Will nobody laugh?
I’m already in costume, if you can call it a costume. I’ve got the glasses on and spiky hair, a nice jacket, some sensible shoes. I’ve got a card with me in which I’ve written the set and what I’m doing and in what order, and I’ve read it so much that it’s started to look a bit crumpled. Even so I keep having last minute jitters about the poems I’ve chosen. The set is a comfortable mix of old and new, funny and one deeply serious one which I’m worried people will laugh at. Maybe that might be a good thing.
I’m also listening to music. I listen to the bands who inspire performance rather than writing, so it’s Pet Shop Boys, Sparks, Erasure. The train has just passed through Tiverton and I’m wondering if I should turn the music off and concentrate. 
It should be a good evening. In fact it probably will. But that doesn’t make me feel any better and part of me is wondering why I do this kind of thing at all. I’m sure it will all feel much better when I’m at the venue.
After the gig.
Yes, it went very well indeed. The audience was not huge but I knew a lot of people there. I was worried initially that they might not have appreciated my oeuvre. The open mic element of the night showed a bias towards weighty, traditional poetry, and the other co-headliner was Claire Williamson, a wonderful poet, deep and meaningful and totally human, she went down very well with the audience.

But there were plenty of friends there: Melanie Branton, for one, a poet with a similar sensibility to me yet much, much better. She did her poetry to huge acclaim, and that’s when I thought that they might like me after all.
There were a few young people in the front and a young man with a big bushy beard, I’d already singled him out to be the one I point to during the Beard Envy poem. He wandered off halfway through the evening and I felt a bit of a panic that I’d have nobody else to pick on. As luck would have it he came back just before my set, and he laughed and clapped all the way through, which made the whole night that much better for me. There was a big grin on his face, and afterwards he came and chatted and said how much he’d liked my set.
As ever I don’t know what it is I’d been worrying about. If anything I worry now that it’s done that I could have done more comedy poetry, as I did a couple of serious ones halfway through. I also wonder what the night had been like if the young people weren’t there, and whether the audience would have had the same dynamic. But it doesn’t matter: it was a good night, and I really enjoyed it, and the audience enjoyed it, and that seems to be the main thing. There’s no sense in overanalysing.
At this moment I’m in my hotel room in Bristol, looking out over wasteland towards the station, and the mist is hiding the sun and making everything monochrome. Life is certainly weird at times. Next week I have to do this all over again, the exact same set yet this time in London. No doubt the same old paranoia and nervousness will kick in once more!

Set construction and the importance of narrative (while the poet is wittering on).

Many performance poets and spoken word types see an open mic slot or poetry night appearance as an opportunity, rightly so, to show the world how good they are. There’s minimal banter, a bit of a hello, and then they launch into their work. Which is excellent, of course. Until recently, this is exactly what I’d do. Hello everyone. Here’s my first poem. It’s about ironing boards.
One of the drawbacks of this is that once the audience has got used to you and your oeuvre, there’s no real change or sense of resolution or ‘journey’. A good set has to have a good narrative, just like a book. I suppose with me the problem was that I was influenced by music more than comedy. ‘Heres our latest single . . . and here’s an old hit’.
Over the last year I’ve been working more in comedy venues and with comedians as well as poets. Comedy audiences expect to laugh, but they also expect to be taken somewhere. And the same is true of a really good poetry set. Thinking back to all of the poets and performances that have struck me as good, there has always been this carefully constructed variance and journey, linking the poems and stringing them along with extra material, comedic asides, truisms and chit chat.
I think of people like Nathan Filer, Liv Torc and Byron Vincent. They understand that the poetry should take the audience on a journey from the heights of comedy and bliss to the darkest depths. The in-between linking material adds to the whole effect. The audience is there to see more than just the poetry. They also want to see the poet.
At the weekend I performed at Glas-Denbury music festival. Tim Vosper was on the bill, and he was amazing. His poetry is fast paced, comedic, funny and clever, but it’s all extenuated by the excellent linking material which makes use of such comedic devices as the afterthought and the callback. It was all very cleverly done, and the audience loved every minute. As did I. 
Therefore I’ve been thinking more than ever of the necessity of narrative, even in the most hurried environment. Last week, I was called in to a comedy venue with forty minutes notice, not enough time to create a proper set with linking material, and while it went okay, I think it would have gone much, much better had I had time to sit and write.
This may all appear to be basic stuff, to the seasoned professional, but the results are amazing. Good set construction makes everyone feel better, and this is an area where I shall be concentrating in future. I cringe to think how many times I’ve just stood there and said, ‘Here’s my new poem . . . here’s my famous poem’. 

I’m a poet and I’m not at Glastonbury.

Hello.I’m a poet, and I’m not at Glastonbury.

Not many poets are at Glastonbury so it’s really not a surprise that I’m not there, and to be honest, I’m not sure if I want to be there because it’s all on tv anyway. It’s a bit like going to a motor race. You miss most of it if you actually go, and then there’s the traffic jams to contend with, and the last time I went to a motor race the person in front of me kept smoking a pipe.

But afterwards I was able to tell everyone that I’d been, and there was something about the sounds of the cars that made it all worthwhile.

Glastonbury comes round every year. And the tv schedules fills up with coverage and there are some damn good bands but most of them I’ve never heard of. That’s probably because I’m getting old, and Ken Bruce only plays certain types of music these days. I’m rather excited about FFS performing on Sunday, but I expect they won’t put it on tv.

The thing is, though, there’s a poetry stage there, and the poets who get picked are always seen as the cream of the crop, the best of the best, the up and coming and the big names, and part of me wants to be listed among them even though another part of me knows that I probably aren’t as good as they are. They’re all young and trendy and enthusiastic and I’m only one of those things, or they’re older and more established and worshiped and I’m only one of those things, too. 

So they haven’t asked me to go and perform at Glastonbury. They wouldn’t even let me be the person who says ‘One two one two’ before the proper poets come on. Because apparently that counts as a poem.

So I’m caught in this weird mix of not wanting to be there at all, and wanting to be there. I know that if I was there, I’d probably show no interest in the music or the camping or the activities or the subculture or the alcohol or the whole ethos of it, though I probably would make a handy reference map for the other performers of where the best burger vans are. Is probably just mooch around the poetry area like a ghost. Muttering under my breath. 

I’m not at Glastonbury this year. In fact, I’m at work tomorrow, and I’ve got to do the Saturday figures and there’s loads of stuff needs doing in my day job, and I think there’s some motor racing on tomorrow on ItV4.

I’m not at Glastonbury.

But I went past it on the train, once.

The Singular Conundrum of High Concept Poems

It’s funny the way things go. Poems, I mean. I often feel that the best poems are created when two or more ideas come together, and this always excites me. And indeed, some of my best loved poems and the ones I love performing the most are these types.
Yet lately I’ve had a trouble with three or four poems which have been perplexing me greatly. And these are conceptual, a conjoining of several themes and ideas. Indeed, part of the problem seems to be that they are purely ‘concept’ poems and as a result they exist more as mathematical experiments, scientific poems with no heart.
Take the one I’ve been working on lately. It’s called Poem’, but it also has the subtitle, ‘I can’t believe you would rather go rock pooling than come with me to the circus’. The moment I started working on this I felt rather proud of it and several verses seemed to write themselves, and at the end of each day I’d relax, happy with my efforts and my intellectual prowess at having created something so wonderful as a poem about a couple arguing over going rock pooling or going to the circus.
And then I put it aside for a while.

And then when I read it again, it felt me cold. I mean, the whole idea of it, the poem seemed too forced.
I think the problem was that it was not speaking from my heart. I have no interest in either circuses or rock pooling, I just liked the idea of these concepts being forced together. I didn’t care about the characters in it. All of the references to rock pooling and circuses seemed forced.
This doesn’t mean that the poem is dead. Far from it, the whole thing is very much alive, even if it currently resembles an old car in a garage, in several bits all over the floor. It’s become like a puzzle which has to be solved, and I’m looking forward to getting underneath its skin!
There are two other poems. They are so old that they’ve been following me around for years. Indeed, one of them gave me the title for my first book. ‘Sofa Phobia’ is a true poem about my own phobia of common sofas, and ‘Moist Robot’ is about a robot which sweats a lot. It seems that every few months I might rewrite one or both of these. The problem, again, is that they seem too high concept.
But I’m plugging away at them.
So for now, here’s another high concept poem which I might come back to. It’s about tortoises.

WAKE UP TORTOISE WAKE UP
Bringing the tortoise out of hibernation.

Wake up tortoise wake up.

Four months of slumber now he’s ready for the summer.

Wake up tortoise wake up.

Enmeshed in hay, time to see if he’s okay

Wake up tortoise wake up.
All winter tiptoeing around the bastard.

Don’t wake the tortoise, that’s what I kept repeating,

Shaking my fist at low flying planes

And castigating anyone who sneezes loudly

That amorous couple upstairs

Whose lovemaking wakes me,

Banging on the walls shouting, Don’t wake the tortoise!

To which she shouts back,

That’s what I’ve been trying to do all night!

And he replies, That’s it, you’ve put me right off, now.

Wake up tortoise wake up.
Your life is a mystery, Mister Tortoise,

You don’t tell me anything about yourself.

All those years I spent

Trying to get you to come out of your shell.

Wake up tortoise wake up.
Your such a good imparter of wisdom.

We hang on your every word.

I’ve never forgotten the lessons that you taught us,

Mr Tortoise,

Or those shopping expeditions,

The things that you bought us,

Mr Tortoise.

Or the fishing trips to the riverbank

The things that you caught us,

Mr Tortoise,

Or the myriad of times we were lost

And you sought us

Mr Tortoise,

Or the times that we fell out

And you fought us,

Mr Tortoise,

Or that lovely iron gate

That you wrought us,

Mr Tortoise.

You look nothing like a porpoise,

Mr Tortoise.

(I’ve run out of rhymes).

Wake up tortoise wake up.
I hope you don’t mind

But my mate Jeff borrowed you

Mid January

And gaffer taped you to his forehead

So he could go to a Star Trek convention

As a Klingon.

He met Uhura.

Wake up tortoise wake up.
You just sleep there,

Don’t worry about me.

You just have yourself a little snooze,

I’ve got figures to crack on with,

And a job and rent to pay

And a boss who’s got a face like a 

Warthog with a slapped arse

And an ex who keeps

Sitting outside my flat

In his Mazda

You just sleep there tortoise tortoise 

Slumbering through Christmas which means

You missed my aunt getting drunk on sherry

For the eighth straight year

And all those repeats

You just sleep there

I’m okay

Because the earth it spins on it’s axis

And the stars align one more time

And the seasons crack on as if fate

Were but a ghost hanging with a finger

Outstretched saying, hey, you,

Your life on this earth is but a fraction of a second,

A minusule nothing in history.

Wake up tortoise wake up.
Wakey wakey

Tortoise tortoise

Reminds me

I must go out some time

And buy a 

Cornish pasty.

A poem for now.

Sometimes it’s hard to look at the world and think that things are getting better for those in the lgbt community. There are still places where ignorance and superstition reign.

I recently read an article in Time Magazine about the struggle for gay rights in Africa. Indeed, it’s something I’ve been interested in for a long time. And of course, the current situation in Russia seems more ludicrous every day. It makes me realize how lucky I am to live in a place where such things are not a big deal.

This poem, which I hope to perform soon, is an attempt to understand such issues.

The doors.
For those who are the exquisite hidden in cupboards.

For those who fortune denies because they refuse to shout.

For those who would otherwise shine so bright were it not so dark and needlessly so.

For those who are conscious ever more obviously than the jaded so called moral imperative.

For those who multicolor the beige.

For those who feel that burning pounding quick-tempo heartbeat tick tick ticking absolute proof down deep within.

For those who don’t want to upset anyone.

For those who are being true to themselves.

For those who love.

For those who would dearly like to love but never will so long as they’re fumbling in the pitch dark.

For those who would spread compassion if given the chance.

For those who stand tall and proud in the face of ignorance.

For those who challenge the invented with the blinding torch of truth.

For those who caress and whisper sweet nothings and then open their eyes to find an empty bed.

For those who don’t want to shock and close the door voluntarily.

For those who care too much.

For those who feel they have no brothers or sisters.

For those who feel they are the only person ever ever ever ever to feel this way.

For those who make a thousand tiny differences a year.

For those whose revolution will knowingly take longer than their own lifetimes.

For those who would otherwise be flogged or hanged or stoned or cast from the safety of decent thought by those who profess to know the truth of words written fluently yet deliberately twisted ambiguous in order to hide the cultural anger seething beneath.

For those who delete their browsing history.

For those who try to prize open a door knowing that it will be slammed shut but keep on trying nonetheless.

For those who paid the ultimate price.

For those who resort to secret languages and those who give in and try to decipher filled with the eager promise of just knowing.

For those who are afraid.

For those who never will.

For those who see the world quivering ecstatic and reach out with trembling fingertips ever so eager to be a part yet knowing deep down they never will because they are really not as brave or as fortunate as those who color the world with love. 

For those who hide behind masks of dubious preferences just to make it look like they are one of the crowd.

For those who are furious.

For those who are curious.

For those who log on with an alias.

For those who dance ecstatic the most writhing sexual beautiful hypnotic dance but only to themselves alone alone alone in the mirror.

For those who feel that everything is hopeless faced with ninety six percent against, newspaper editorials, fuming spitting evangelists, political bullies, idiots with guns and clubs and religious texts, charismatic spirituality, cultural commentators and peddlers of hated.

For those who burst out so fast that the world never could catch them.

For those who burned up too soon.

For those who took a chance and flowered briefly then disappeared leaving behind them the hint that if done differently it might actually work.

For those who are vehement in their love.

For those who are just plain unlucky.

For those who are scared.

For those who are scarred.

For those who would otherwise be sacred.
You are the real

And your time will come

When superstition loses and common sense takes over.

Pile up your love right now

So that when the doors finally open

It will all come tumbling through.

An Interview with Richard Thomas

I’ve know Richard Thomas for as long as I have been performing. Indeed, he was almost certainly one of the performers at the very first gig I went to as an audience member. He very quickly drew me in to his world of imagery and humour, strange juxtapositions and asides, in a manner which I found most compelling.

We both did the same literature course with the Open University, and it was through this that I discovered we both admired the poetry of Frank O’Hara and the music of British Sea Power. Because of this, I have always followed his career with interest.
His first published book, The Strangest Thankyou, came out almost two years ago now. It contained some wonderful poems including the delightful ‘Flamingo’ as well as more serious pieces, and others written after trips to Rome. I read the book twice over the course of two days, and then my mother borrowed it too. I was jealous that the cover was orange, because Frank O’Hara’s book Lunch Poems also has an orange cover!
One of the things I really admire in Richard is that he is so very different to almost any other performer both in his style of reciting, and in his subject matter. To watch or read Richard is to visit a strange new world, only to realize at the last moment that it’s a world you’ve always known. 

I’ve known you for almost six years now. You were one of the first poet performers I remember seeing. How did you get in to writing poetry?

I had written lyrics here and there for various bands I had been in. The more I wrote, the more I realised I enjoyed playing with language, so I started to keep a notebook and would just write very stream of conciousness type stuff in it. Eventually, and mainly through the Open University course you mentioned, I learnt how to shape those ramblings in to actual poems, and it went from there.

How important is the performance aspect of your poems?

For me, when I write poetry, performance is the last thing on my mind, bar perhaps a couple of poems I have written. I think this is probably because I got in to poetry originally from a page-poet’s perspective, and I wasn’t aware of any performance opportunities in my area at the time. When I moved to Totnes, that changed: I did my first open mic and got hooked on the buzz it gave me. It still very much felt important to me, though, to keep writing primarily for the page, as seeing my poems in print was the dream. So I continue to do that, and then when I am performing, I will pick out the poems that translate on to the stage best. Half of my poems I have never read live. I quite like the idea of doing a live set of poems I would never usually perform, to see what happens, but I am yet to muster up the confidence.

Your book The Strangest Thankyou was one of the reading highlights of my year when it came out. How would you describe the new book?

Thanks, Robert. I remember you telling me your mum enjoyed it, too. Three of my friend’s mums have read it. And I think just one of those three friends has read it themselves (yourself). It’s good to know your audience. Perhaps that is why my new book is a collection – a pamphlet – of poems about babies. A subconscious effort to satisfy my target market. But seriously, it’s a little more than about babies, though it is that. Zygote Poems is about a young man’s journey in to the unfamiliar realms of fatherhood with the effects of anxiety. It uses phonetic language to both convey that effect, and at the same time mimic ‘baby talk’. There are some other fun techniques employed, but I guess I shouldn’t give too much away. Selling poetry books is hard enough. I think, though, this new pamphlet is my most focussed poetry so far.

Can you describe the writing process for it?

I wanted these poems to be as candid as possible, and given the subject, they were all personal. So to start with, it was a case of writing down every significant thing I could think of as I looked back over my journey up to that point. As I originally wrote it for my degree dissertation, I had to write a certain number of pages. So I worked out what kind of balance I wanted in terms of the content – what moods I wanted to give – and I drew up a table, dropping each significant event in to a particular mood box until I had filled the table with an equal amount of each. And then I went about working my way through the table, writing each poem that needed to be written. It got very mathematical, but it was a pretty interesting way to go about writing a collection of poems, and felt right for the to get the result I wanted. The hardest part was to write as candidly as possible. My mind often told me to censor stuff, so it took some redrafting to get all the poems as honest as possible, without them becoming unreadable.

 How would you describe the content of your poems? Are there recurring themes?

The new pamphlet is all specifically themed, but I guess my poems do generally repeat certain themes, often without me realising. This is probably to do with the fact that I usually write whatever is on my mind at the moment of holding the pen. The Strangest Thankyou was a lot of love, lust, loneliness and confusion – even the surreal impersonal poems abour Flamingos, dancing butchers and dogs eating figs conveyed a sense of trying to understand the world and its obscurity. I think that had to do with the mindset of being in my early twenties, and I guess certain subjects tend to occupy the mind more than others at different ages. I like that idea: that my poetry up to this point could be read as being written by someone in their twenties, purely by the themes most covered, and that my thirties, forties, etc, will bring about their own re-occuring themes. I think this also helps me deal with the idea of ageing – being intrigued as to what poems the world might draw from me as time goes on – I look forward to poems more than I do birthdays. That wasn’t meant to sound as melancholic as it did…

Is humor important to you?

Definitely. I think humour is important to any art form to some extent, whether you’re Charlie Chaplin or Marina Abramovic. And even Beethoven was a prankster. There’s that story about him, as a kid, putting a whoopee cushion on Mozart’s piano stool, isn’t there. There’s no whoopee cushions in my poetry, but I like to think there is humour. Not in all my poems, but where it lacks, I try to make up for it with a sense of absurdity. I think humour can help a generally serious poem breathe, and lift it from the page. It helps the poem transcend from writer to reader.

You’re obviously a big fan of the beat poets. You even had a beard at one time. And it was a nice beard, too. How influential is Ginsberg both in your writing, and also modern poetry?

I have had two significant beards in my life so far. I think you saw the first. The second was a much better effort. That is a benefit of ageing. That beard was going places until I chopped it off. I have yet to properly grieve the loss of it. Who handed me that pair of scissors? Ginsberg had a great beard, and was a great poet, and I think I owe a lot to him for both of those things. Kerouac, Corso, di Prima and the others have been a great influence too. I discovered them at about twenty two, and really felt my poetry take a change of pace when I did. I remember the first time I read those lot – it felt like I had never read poetry before. I felt a different level of excitement for poetry, and it was around that time that I started to write ‘proper’ poems and do readings. Ginsberg was a huge influence on poetry, both then and now. I really believe him and his friends were game-changers, and had a significant effect in moulding the shape of poetry to come. Even for those who dislike him or the other beat poets – a negative influence is an influence nonetheless. But I think Ginsberg in particular proved that you could really say and do whatever you want with poetry, and it needn’t conform to certain ideals or standards. Amongst young poets today, I think this has particular resonance, knowing that there aren’t boundaries, and that poetry can say anything you want it to say.

Who are your favorite poets, both dead and alive?

Well, those that I have mentioned are favourites, for sure. I am still yet to read anything that gets me on the same level as Gregory Corso. I also love Sylvia Plath, Shelley, the Surrealist Poets, Leonard Cohen, and as you mentioned, Frank O’Hara. I have recently been getting in to Arthur Rimbaud and Ronald Duncan. The latter of which I found by grabbing a load of free poetry books from a box outside a lecturer’s office, and when I started reading, couldn’t understand why I had never come across him before, as his love poems remind me a lot of my own. Especially when he lived fairly local to us, too – North Devon I think.

What are your plans for the next year or so?

I am currently doing my MA in Creative Writing, so that, along with being a father to a toddler, is definitely keeping me busy. I have Zygote Poems coming out in June via Cultured Llama, so I hope to be promoting that as much as I can. I’m also working on various other writing projects: a short film, a children’s story and another poetry collection. Sometimes I wish I could just focus on one thing at a time, because I am sure life would be a lot easier that way, but my head refuses to work in that fashion it seems.

What advice would you give to anyone who’s always wanted to write poetry?

Read every type of poetry you can get your hands on and get started. The bigger the palette, the bigger the picture. Forget about trying to make it good, or what you think your neighbour, or the local baker, might like to read, and just write. Quality will come the more you write, and it’s important to be honest in your writing. The best and most genuine stuff will come when you are just trying to please yourself.
  

 The Strangest Thankyou is available for £8.00 from: http://www.culturedllama.co.uk/books/strangest-thankyou

Zygote Poems will be published by Cultured Llama in June 2015.

http://www.richardchristopherthomas.wordpress.com