Category Archives: poetry

I have a sofa-phobia

Hello, just booked into a hotel and my room has a s-s-sofa in it. I don’t want to change rooms because it’s otherwise quite nice. But I’ve always had a phobia of sofas.

That’s what this poem is all about.

And here’s me, on the s-s-sofa. Being very brave.

Sofa Phobia poem, recorded live in Exeter

Poem about not getting enough butter to go with your toast in a cafe.

Hello,

Here’s a new poem for you. It’s from my collection Hello!, which can be ordered here.https://robertgarnham.bigcartel.com/product/hello

I hope you like it

Hello! The new book from Robert Garnham

My new collection Hello!, has just been published by Puddlehopper Books. And I’m really excited about it!

I do believe that Hello! contains some of the best poems I’ve written. Some of them were featured in my show Bouncer, which I performed last year, and in the version of Juicy which I’ve been performing this year.

The book is a pleasant mix of comedy and serious poems.

You can purchase a copy here if you’re interested : https://robertgarnham.bigcartel.com/product/hello

An Evening with the Professor of Whimsy

Hello, you are cordially invited to spend an hour in the company of Robert Garnham, the Professor of Whimsy! Over the course of the hour Robert performs some of his best known and funniest poems. The last twenty minutes is a stand alone theatre piece called Mr Juicy.

If you like what you see, feel free to pop something in this tip jar! https://ko-fi.com/robertgarnham

The show can be watched right here. Enjoy!

Love me Tinder, love me do

Poem

Love me Tinder,
Love me do.
Every time I log in
There isn't much to do.

Whenever I get wifi
All I do is swipe right.
There must be some catch.
I've not yet had a match.

My profile photo I use
Was taken on Millenium Eve
I haven't changed much in twenty years.
I know, it's hard to believe!

I want a man who's handsome
I want a man who's buff
Yet it seems they look at my profile
And say, my god, he's rough.

So love me Tinder
Love me do,
My app is clearly askew
I tell you what the weird thing is,
It's the same on Grindr, too!



Kookie Forever (Recorded Live at the Blue Walnut, Torquay)

Hello, here’s a poem that I performed the other night. It comes from my collection Woodview, published by Beatnpress a couple of years ago.

It’s about the time we cleared out my Grandfather’s garage after he died, and we found some graffiti on the wall written by my mother when she was still a girl, in 1959. The graffiti said ‘Kookie Forever’, and it referred to a character in an American TV show that she had fallen in love with.

I hope you like the poem!