Category Archives: comedy

1.

'Let's just slink through here', I suggested, gesturing to the rhododendrons.
          A hot tropical night. The sweat was pouring down my face. Out to sea there was thunder, lightning flashing, but here on the beach, fairy lights and candles threw multicoloured light and shadows which danced.
          'Slink?', Jack asked.   
          The scent of jasmine and honeysuckle hung in the Caribbean night. The sky was dark and starless.
          'There's a storm coming'.
          'It's just . . The choice of word'.
          Others on the beach were standing at the water's edge, looking out at the storm. It was obviously getting closer.
          'Are we just going to stand her end argue about a word?' 
          'It's better than arguing about whether we should argue about a word, which is even more pointless than arguing about a word'.
          'OK, let's just ignore that and shimmy into the rhododendrons'.
          'Shimmy?'
          'Oh, for heaven's sake!'
          There was a rumble of thunder, and fat lazy drops of rain began to fall from the sky. They thudded into the sand as perfect darkened circles like sudden coins.
          We penetrated the outer fringes of the rhododendron and found ourselves surrounded by branches cross-crossing, and roots, and a sandy, springy earth. We could hear the rain falling on to the fleshy, heavy leaves around us, as if the world were applauding our efforts. It was cooler within the foliage.
          'This might not be the time to tell you', Jack said, 'But I'm a member of the RSPCR'.
          'What's that?', I asked, ducking to avoid a low branch across the face.
          'The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Rhododendrons'.
          'Bloody hell, what are the chances?'
          'We also cover hydrangeas and certain types of buddleia'.
          'Well, we're not exactly being cruel, are we?'
          'The constitution has several definitions . . .'.
          'You're making this up!'
          'I might be'.
          But he had a point. I hardly knew him. We'd met at the backpackers hostel the night before. He'd let me use his spork.
          'There will be spiders in here'.
          'GAH!'
          'And snakes, probably'.
          I'd not thought about either of these scenarios. Thunder boomed and the whole earth shook. Neither of us said anything for a while, and then, of a sudden, we entered into a tiny clearing surrounded in all four sides by rhododendron bushes and tall palm trees, sheet lightning behind the overcast swirling clouds.
          I took a step, and spluttered, wiping a spiders web from my face. He emerged behind me and we stood there, feeling the heavy drops of rain on our shoulders.
          'Amazing', he whispered.
          And then the storm begun in earnest, ripping the sky with vicious lightning bolts, the rain thudded down with increasing intensity, we sheltered under the dripping leaves of the vegetation, his warm body pressed close to mine as the thunder boomed and crashed and roared around us.
          'Do you think', I asked, 'that this is a sign from the universe? That we should be together forever?' 
          Because all of a sudden, I was caught up in the sheer magic of the moment.
          And at that second, a bolt of lightning hit one of the palm trees right in front of us, a vicious spew of sparks tearing off one of its branches with incredibly ferocity
          'Not really', he said.

2.

Amid the midnight neon and the motorway flyovers of Tokyo, the incessant thrum of feet on the busy pavements, the night itself an electric pulse of brash branding, logos, cartoon charms and corporate magic, I found the doorway to the capsule hotel, the Paracetamol, between a gaming arcade and a brightly lit vending machine selling live koi carp. The front desk was automated and I booked in using my credit card, taking a lift up to the fifth floor, where a sign on the wall, accompanied by an over-the-top cartoon caricature of a hotel porter who also happened to be a giant panda, reminded me to be quiet, respectful to the other guests, and to take care of my own personal hygiene.
          My backpack almost didn't fit in the locker provided, and then I realised that the locker that I was trying to cram it in to was actually my room for the night. A mounded plastic bunk into which had been added a television, the bed, control panels for the heating, some robes. I put on the robes and went wandering around the corridors of the Paracetamol. As well as showers, bathrooms and a row of vending machines, (instant noodles, books, lanyards, and what looked like weasels), there was a small lounge right in the very corner of the building, looking down on one of the busy intersections below in all its neon glory.
          There was only one other person in the lounge. I sat down on one of the soft cushioned sofas and I looked out the plate glass window at the intensify and madness of the city. I then looked at the other person and I let out a gasp.
          'Jack!'
          'Yes?'
          'Remember me?'
          He kind of frowned.
          'Paya de los Aquafresh? We hid in the rhododendrons during the thunderstorm that time!'
          His face lit up.
          'Yes! I remember! My god! We sheltered in the rhododendrons . . . And that lightning bolt took a branch off a tree right next to us!'
          'What are you doing out here?'
          'I'm in a business meeting with the RSPCRHB'.
          'I thought that was a joke . .'.
          'Deeply serious'.
          'What are the two extra letters?'
          'They've let in hydrangeas and certain types of buddleia since I last saw you'.
          'I can't believe you're here!'
          He got up and joined me on the sofa and sat right next to me. And it felt good, his being there. In our robes, loose fitting and comfortable, it felt almost as if we were naked. How amazing! Two souls, coming together in spite of all the odds.
          'I often think about that night', I tell him.
          'Really? I can't remember much about it'.
          'The storm, and the rain . . . And being with you'.
          He smiled. We were both speaking softly now, hushed tones in case we were to wake any of the other people staying at the Paracetamol, but the hushed tones could very well have been the purred small talk of love.
          'You said slink, remember that?'
          'I did'
          'And then shimmy'.
          'That's right'.
          I was so happy. I felt like putting my arm around his shoulders.
          'You see, I would have said something different. Plunge, perhaps, or even hide. Or shelter. Let's shelter in these rhododendrons. But the way you said it . .'.
          'Yes?'
          'It hinted at something different'.
          'This is a very weird conversation'.
          'Is it?'
          'A conversation about a conversation, and that conversation itself was mostly about the conversation that we were having'.
          'I don't see why you've had to bring this up now'.
          'Well, it's not like we're going to be meeting up again, is it?'
          'Why not?'
          'I . . . Don't know'.
          ‘Do you think', I asked, 'that this is a sign from the universe? That we should be together forever?' 
          Because all of a sudden, once again, I was caught up in the sheer magic of the moment.
          He was quiet for a couple of seconds, and maybe it's my imagination, but he kind of snuggled towards me on the sofa, his body getting ever so slightly closer to mine.
          And at that moment, a sudden bolt of lightning was hurled from the overcast sky, lighting up the traffic intersection and the lounge with incredible ferocity, hitting the neon sign directly opposite from us of a cartoon duck advertising some local brand of shampoo. And before our eyes the cartoon duck sizzled, smoked and swung on its screws, turning upside down, unlit, where it pendulumed from side to side.
          'Not really', he said.


3.

By my third day in the tiny Arctic community, I’d already worked out that there wasn't really much to do. The small huts, shacks and prefabricated homes sat shivering in the snowdrifts by the frozen sea, and it was dark by two in the afternoon. Once I'd visited the Museum of Permafrost and had a look around the art gallery built to resemble the tusk of a walrus, I'd more or less run out of activities.
          My only solace was the town library, a quaint prefabricated structure whose tiny lit windows created elongated squares in the fallen snow. I'd found a quiet corner, in between Arabic Numerology and Paranormal Studies, where I could sit near a radiator and read the hours away.
          And this is what I was doing, one never ending afternoon after dark, when I looked up and . . .oh, for heaven's sake.
          'Jack?!'
          'You!', he said.
          And he just kind of stood there for a bit in his big Arctic survival suit, and I stood, and we faced each other across the town library.
          'What are you . . .'.
          'Rhododendrons ', he replied. 'The feasibility of Arctic growth'.
          'And?'
          'None'.
          'I can't believe it's you!'
          His face relaxed, and he came over and sat next to me. The tiny window between us began to be speckled by another snow shower, each fleck illuminated by the library lights.
          'The last time we met . . in Tokyo . .  Do you remember?'
          'Yes'.
          'We had a conversation about having a conversation about the conversation we'd had in Paya de los Aquafresh, in which the conversation had been about the conversation'.
          'And now we're having a conversation about those conversations'.
          'Yes', I laughed, 'we so tend to have a lot of conversations'.
          'No fear of any lightning today', he said, 'though it's just started snowing again'.
          'It's so good to see you'.
          'You too'.
          'Thanks for letting me use your spork'.
          'Yeah, no problem'.
          And then the conversation kind of ran out of steam for a while, and we just sat there, listening to the sound of water in the heating system, the crunched footsteps of people walking in the snow.
          It was good to see him. The padded layers of his Arctic survival suit gave him a sudden cuddly physicality. I could hardly believe that he was there, that e we're together yet again, but it had happened twice before and yet again I could feel the planet turning, the magic of existence itself funnelling down, very much like the aurora borealis itself, and this isolated community. I looked past him, to the reception area of the library where Librarians were busying themselves, and a poster warned of the drawbacks of trying to pet a polar bear. The same old question seemed to press itself up from deep within me, into my vocal chords before it got a chance to be processed by my brain.
          ‘Jack’, I said.
          He gulped.
          ‘Do you think . . .’.
          ‘I'll have to stop you right there’, he said.
          The two of us smile at each other. In the pallid fluorescent glow of the Arctic community library, he looked serene, playful. I could hear someone moving bins outside and it sounded like thunder, but it wasn't.
          ‘I think I'll saunter out in a bit’, I say to him, ‘and see if I can get any dinner’.
          ‘Saunter?’
          ‘Yes? What's wrong with that?’
          ‘Nothing, it's just . . A very strange word’.
          ‘What should I have said? Mooch? Jimmy?’
          ‘I don't know, it's just . . .I  mean, of all the words you could have chosen . .’
          The snow was coming down increasingly heavy now and piling up on the little windowsill.
          ‘I'll come with you, though’, he said, after a short while.