Thank you for reaching out to me. It seems that everyone is reaching out to me These days. Every bloody email, ‘I’m reaching out to you’, Like I’m drowning. The only thing I’m drowning in Are emails saying That someone is reaching out to me.
So here I am reaching back. Reaching out. Reaching up! Where are you on high that you should Reach out, Reach down, That I am so lowly As to be reached out to? Thank you for your email, you knobhead.
Where were you that time a black hole Manifested itself in my air fryer? Where were you that time I got Knees in the groin by a nun? Where were you that time I heard a rustling in the public litter bin So I went to look but got the bin lid stuck on my head Wedged by my ears And the rustling was a rat and the rat Bit the end of my nose and clung on And I tried to pull my head clear but the bin lid Came off And I went racing round the park With a bin lid stuck on my head And a rat clamped on the end of my nose And I was shouting, get it off, get it off? Where was your reaching out then? No reaching out was done. No stretching a metaphorical arm across The formless void that separates us. That void is there for a reason.
I’m thinking of renaming myself Sid. Sid seems the sort of name That people don’t reach out to. I’ve never known someone called Sid Get reached out to. No reaching out to Sid. Actually I’ve never known someone called Sid. But if I did know a Sid I wouldn’t email saying I’m reaching out I’d just say, hello Sidney, Do you mind if I call you Sid?
Reaching out is bollocks. Reaching out is bollocks. I think I’ll say it a third time, Reaching out is bollocks. Please stop reaching out. I hate reaching out. Cease this reaching out. How corporate crap is reaching out. How benevolent, you tosser, With your reaching out. Stop your reaching out. I thought I’d just Touch base. I thought I’d just Touch base. Draw a line under it. Kind regards, kind regards, Reaching out, touching you, Bugger off.
Robert Garnham 