He said if I were lucky I could win The main prize in the raffle, A ride on a traction engine! And though I was hoping more for the bottle of Cheap red Which would knock me as blotto as a Hippopotamus, I was one number out, and wouldn’t you know it, I’d won A ride on a traction engine.
And by the way, they said, It’s compulsory.
I wanted to get it over with, I mean, Wouldn’t you? Flat caps always make me look like A farmer with a penchant for porn, Yet there I stood mid morning with mild mannered Matt In a field near Yeovil, Matt, Whose passion for traction engines far outstripped Any passion of my own save that I have long harboured For Walls Viennettas. Honestly, said Matt, In his jaunty hat, As we climbed into the cab, This will be better than sex.
It went Chugga chugga latty boom boom Chugga chugga latty clank Boom boom ranching boom boom ranching Pop quizzy bang quizzy bang quizzy pop.
Just like sex.
Chugga chugga latty boom boom Chugga chugga latty clank Boom boom ranching boom boom ranching Pop quizzy bang quizzy bang quizzy pop.
Here we go, said Matt, And it juddered, and shook, and rattled And lurched forward and Soon we were chugging across the field Boom boom wadda wadda boom boom wadda wadda Pop quizzy bang quizzy bang quizzy pop.
And Matt yelled, What do you think? Pop quizzy bang quizzy bang quizzy pop. And I yelled I think my filling just came out Pop quizzy bang quizzy bang quizzy pop. And Matt said When was the last time you were jostled And battered and oscillated in such a manner? And I thought of my Steven In the days when we used to do it Like turning on and off a tap But now we haven’t done it in quite some time And I touched his leg the other night and he said, As if I were a dog about to eat a cigarette packet, No! And to be honest Pop quizzy bang quizzy bang quizzy pop. I’m thinking of dumping the bastard.
But isn’t that just like me? Boom boom ranching boom boom ranching And Matt’s busy manhandling various Gears columns cogs wheels vents And we get to the end of the field and he Turns that fucker around and we Come all the way back again.
Chugga chugga latty boom boom Chugga chugga latty boom Boom boom ranching boom boom ranching Pop quizzy bang quizzy bang quizzy pop. Ca-chur Ca-chur Ca-chur Ka-ping! Oh, blast, said Matt, And we shuddered to a halt.
It’s blown a gasket, Matt said, Brian will have to come over with his tool box, And I clambered down from the cab And I wiped the grime from my borrowed dungarees And I grinned in a way that I hadn’t since Last October’s orgasm When I’d shouted, One hundred and eighttyyyy! And Steven had said, Will you keep it quiet up there?
Robert Garnham 