Koalas, apparently.


How is everyone tonight?

How‘s everyone doing?

I keep getting headaches.

You, Sir. I’m thinking of a number between one and ten. Can you guess what it is?

Four? You were pretty close. It was actually five.

Let’s hear it for the humble koala!

Did you know, Sir, that the koala bear is not actually a type of bear? Did you know that? Somehow makes them less cuddly to be part of the marsupial family.

Let’s hear it for the humble koala!

It’s all koalas.

How many koalas does it take to change a light bulb?


Because physically they’re probably able to but it’s not yet happened.

Unless the Australians are keeping something from us.

And it would probably take a while too. Probably quicker to do it yourself. I’m just saying that it’s very unlikely that a koala will get it done any quicker than a normal electrician.

I don’t know why you asked, Sir.

It’s all koalas.

Knock knock.

Who’s there.

A koala.

A koala who?

A koala who‘s actually former French secretary of state Dominique de Villepin.

That’s a cunning disguise.

A horse walked into a bar. So did a psychologist. The barman said to the horse, why the long face? And the psychologist said, yes, I’d be interested to know, too.

It’s all koalas!

A koala walked into a bar. It said, I’d like some eucalyptus, please. The barman said, I’m not going to serve you. I used to go out with a koala. She was very clingy.

Let’s hear it for the koala!

The koala said, you know, it’s a paradox. I can only eat eucalyptus. But the eucalyptus creates a toxin which means that I have to sleep for twenty three hours a day. And the hour I’m awake is when I’m eating eucalyptus. So you see, it’s an eternal paradox. I sleep to eat that which makes me sleep.

Hands up if you’ve ever had an existential paradox.

Here’s my existential paradox.

My friend Kevin runs assertiveness training courses. I asked him if it works. He said yes. Because if it works then someone’s going to be assertive. And if it doesn’t work and someone asks for their money back, then they’re being assertive. Which is proof that it works. Kevin’s on to a winner. Because if it doesn’t work then the people who want a refund wont have the assertiveness to ask for it.

Knock knock.

(Who’s there?)

A man brandishing eucalyptus.

(A man brandishing eucalyptus who?)

A man branding eucalyptus who’s fed up of being chased by koalas. Very slowly. And only for an hour.

The koala rested his elbows on the bar and said, ‘My friend Gerald puts on music evenings for those with short term memories. He puts all this money into hiring church halls and finding music. But if they’ve got short term memory then all he has to do is meet them the week after and say something like, ‘Fun last week, wasn’t it?’

Hands up if you have short term memory problems.

How many koalas does it take to change a light-bulb?

One. I told you already.

Do you like marsupials?

Do you?

Do you like marsupials?

Let’s hear it for the marsupials of the Australasian continental shelf.

Knock knock.

(Who’s there?)

A koala.

(A koala who?)

A koala who, bizarrely, can reach the door knocker.

What I’m going to do now, you see, is pretend, in order to extend this rather unusual pretext, that everything I’m talking about has been done by koalas.

Is everybody alright with that?

Anyway, a friend of mine, who’s a koala, has invented Cockney Non Rhyming Slang.

And one day the cockney koala was asked by a delivery man where he wanted the trampolines that Felicity ordered delivered. Now, in cockney non-rhyming slang, trampolines means lampshades. Obviously. So he pointed to a warehouse just next to the eucalyptus trees where they stocked lampshades. And it was because of that that my cousin’s trampoline did not arrive in time for her birthday.

Knock knock.

(Who’s there?)

Two koalas.

(Two koalas who?)

Two koalas who are looking for that other koala who was just here a moment ago.

My sister used to work in a newsagents. Every week a woman would come in and ask if her copy of Psychic News had come in.

I went to the sauna the other day. There was a koala in there. The koala said, every time I go to the supermarket I get the trolley with the wonky wheel.

I said, what do you need a supermarket for, you only eat eucalyptus? The koala said, I was trying out some new material. I said, you need to work on it. And by the way, what are you doing in a sauna? I get stressed, he replied.

And do you know what he said?

Do you know what he said?

Hands up if you think you know what he said?

He said, I’ve been trying to replace a light bulb for three years. An hour a day.

Do you mind if I open the door, it’s a bit hot in here.

It’s all koalas.

Knock knock.

(Who’s there?)

David Attenborough.

(David Attenborough who?)

You know, for a start I’d probably just peek through the curtains to see who it was. And then I wouldn’t need to ask.

I met a koala the other day. He was looking glum. I asked him why. I’ve put my name down for origami classes, he said. But they folded.

A koala went to the Doctor’s. Doctor, doctor, he said. I keep getting mistaken for former French foreign secretary Dominique de Villepin. And every time I go anywhere I‘m chased by French prosecuters who want to take me to court because of my role in several scandals under the previous president Jacques Chirac.

The Doctor said, stop wearing that ridiculous name badge, then.

Has anyone here ever eaten krill?

Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Knock knock.

Must just be the wind.

1 Comment

  1. Ian Beech says:

    What a load of koalas, Robert. I bet England couldn’t beat them at cricket either. 😦


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