A Poem for Jeremy Wade from River Monsters

Jeremy Wade is ever so serious
When he catches a fish
Jeremy Wade is ever so delirious
Jeremy Wade is a fisherman
Jeremy Wade
Wades

Here’s the bait
Catch that fish
Reel it in
That’s a big one.
He’s using a lure
I don’t see
The allure.

Dynamite in the water
Apparently is frowned on.
Sometimes I look in the mirror,
Jeremy Wade says,
And i wonder,
Who is the real
River monster?

Jeremy Wade looks good in
Baggy cotton trousers
His face all craggy with
Gritted determination
Trying to work out
How to use the car park pay machine
At Newton Abbot multi storey.

Fish on!, he cries,
The canoe rocks from side to side
I almost spill my
Cabernet Sauvignon.

I was being
Eaten by a catfish
And just as it went
To swallow me whole
Jeremy Wade ran out
Of the jungle,
Cast his big Rod
Saved me.
Saved the day.
The whole encounter
Left me reeling.

Will I ever catch this Fish?
Or will the spirits of our ancestors
Come back and haunt me,
Is this my nemesis,
This fish?
Jeremy Wade
Is such a drama queen.
There’s always a
First aid box handy.

Fish on!, he cries.
Oh Jeremy, give it a rest.

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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