I want to be a German shepherd

I want to be a German shepherd.
Not the dog,
But an actual German shepherd.
I want to frolic in Alpine meadows.
I want my name to be Hans.
I want to travel around the world
With my flock of sheep and my big euphonium.
I want to be known as
Wandering Hans.

I want to cavort
With a ruddy cheeked cow herder
Called Sebastian.
I want him to do the washing up
While I faff around on Facebook.
The devil makes work
For idle Hans.

I want to yodel
Amid the edelweiss
In my lederhosen.
I want to oompah
In my pure wool jumpah.
I want to cuddle up in a shack
And watch flickering satellite tv
Of Justin Bieber.
I want to mark each birthday
With a strudel.
I want to make love to Sebastian
In a giant schwarzewaldekirchetote.

Last night we played hide and seek
In the shadow of the Matterhorn.
Every part of me was a tingle.
I think I might be bilingual.
He said he was falling for me so much
He might need a krankenwagen.
Mein Gott,
The German tongue is so beautiful!

Mein Name ist Hans
Du bist so schon.
Mein Name ist Hans
Entschuldigung.
Mein Name ist Hans
I’m in the middle
Take me to your
Nearest Lidl.

I want to be a German shepherd.
And spend the autumn in a barn
Living by day in the mountains
And travelling home by autobahn.

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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