I want a house with a waterwheel

I want a house with a waterwheel,
A waterwheel for me.
Just perched on the side like an afterthought
a waterwheel for me.

I want a house with a waterwheel
I’d attach it to a hoist
And due to the water in the waterwheel
It might get a little moist.

I want a house with a waterwheel
And a babbling bubbling stream
In fact I’d like an adjacent pair
Though that might look obscene.

I want a house with a waterwheel
Without one I am bereft
Like some kind of paddle steamer
That can only turn left.

I want a house with a waterwheel
I’m sure it won’t be leaky
The paddles are good but they’re made of wood
Which is why they’re slightly creaky.

I want a house with a waterwheel
I’d invite enthusiasts
I’d say, cop a feel of my waterwheel
It’s strength is unsurpassed
And oddly sexual, don’t you think?

I want a house with a waterwheel
But it keeps me awake with its trundling
I use the time to make a list
Of my favourite people called Anthony.

I want a house with a waterwheel
I’d grease up its axle with grease
The other day I used so much grease
That my neighbour phoned the police.

I want a house with a waterwheel
My appetite for one is voracious
I’d paint one of its paddles red
Which isn’t too ostentatious

I want a house with a waterwheel
Watch it watch it spin
A flock of ducks floats into its mechanism
Feathers everywhere, and bits of duck.

I want a house with a waterwheel
Glinting in the sun.
I’d lean over at night and let each paddle
Smack me on the bum.
My neighbour phoned the police again.

I want a house with a waterwheel
To have one would really be smashing
The sound of it makes me want to pee
With its never ending splashing.

I want a house with a waterwheel
I’d watch it go round and round
Round and round and round and round
Round and round and round.

I want a house with a waterwheel
It would give me such a buzz
People might ask what it’s purpose is,
I said, that’s basically all it does.

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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