There’s nothing more evil than salad

There’s nothing more evil than salad.
It’s a good chew spoiled.
And since they outlawed chocolate as a salad dressing,
All the fun has gone out of it.

You never see someone enjoying a salad.
They just have this grim determination
Followed by smug satisfaction
As they continually point out that they had a salad for lunch.
Aren’t I good?
Oh you’re so smug.
I really enjoyed my pasty.

There’s nothing more evil than salad.
It’s the lunchtime equivalent of a punch in the face.
It’s why cows always look so miserable.
It’s why people who eat salad
Always look so miserable.

There’s nothing worse
Than having a belly full of celery
And an instant regret in your own existence.
A whole afternoon with it repeating on yku
Like a bad episode of CSI,
A reminder of what a martyr you have been
With your salad.
But they don’t give out medals for that,
No sir.

They’ve started painting McDonald’s green.
That’s not fooling anyone.
They’re putting more lettuce in burgers now.
It’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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