Why do all dogs act like they’re absolutely plastered?

I said to a friend,
Your dog looks drunk.
Have you ever noticed
How it looks like it’s drunk?
It acts like it’s drunk
And if slobbers like it’s drunk.
Have you ever noticed?
Have you?

Every time I come round
It’s all over me
Just like a boozed up former classmate
At a school reunion.
Have you ever noticed this?
The way it gets
Easily distracted
And then can’t remember
What if was doing?
Drunk dog.

And last Thursday when it honked up
All over the rug.
Drunk dog.
And when it barks it kind of
Loses its train of thought.
Drunk dog.
And it wants to have it off
With everything that moves
Just like Paignton on a
Saturday night.
Drunk dog.

It’s bark is worse than its bite
And it’s breath is worse than both.
Drunk dog.
It keeps trying to pick fights
With Rottweilers
Because they looked at him funny,
Drunk dog.

Would you like a Bonio?
You asked if the other day.
It probably wants a kebab,
I replied.
What?
Nothing.
Drunk dog.

And I saw you patting its head
And saying,
Who’s a boozy woo woo?
Who’s a boozy woo woo?
You’re a boozy woo woo!
Yes you are!
Yes you are!
And I said,
You don’t know the half of it.
What?
Nothing.
Drunk dog.

It doesn’t help that you’ve called him
‘Whisky’.

But maybe all dogs act just like
Long lost friends, bumbling
Things knocking over furniture,
Happy to see you as if saying,
You’re my best friend, you are.
You’re my best friend.

I took it for a walk in the park
And it said,

Alright, alright, now I’m thinking, you know, outside the box here, but you see that stick there, right? You see that stick thing that you’re holding, right, now, I’ll tell you what, you throw it, you throw that stick thing, right, and get this, you throw it, right, you throw it, and I tell you what, I’ll run after it and bring it back? How does that sound? Throw, throw the stick thing, just throw it, right, and I’ll bring it back. Go on. Throw it, just, just, just, throw the stick thing.

Drunk dog.

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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