Johnny, are you an android?

Johnny, are you an android?

Johnny, are you an android?
I know this makes me sound paranoid,
On that night back in August on
The third moon of Neptune,
You danced so lithely in a lunar glow
And beckoned me slyly with all the promise
Of the start of something beautiful.
You whispered, hey, let’s be naughty.
You smelled of WD40.

Only this morning you completely forgot my name.
I love you, Johnny, I’d said,
I love you too, adjacent human carbon-based
Lifeform, you replied.
And your face is ever so symmetrical
And you’ve got the most wonderful earlobes.
One of them is slightly indented
With the Microsoft logo.
Johnny, are you an android?

There are certain things you do with a
Rhythmic precise pumping action
Like you’re just going through the motions
And when I suggested certain lotions
To make it more interesting
You were very keen on swarfiga.
(I’m talking about doing the washing up,
Of course).

And that time on Jupiter’s moon Callisto,
Going on a tour of a factory making flying saucers,
I couldn’t tear you away from looking at
The production line robots.
Come on, I said.
Hang on, you said.
We’ve got to go, I said.
Just hang on a moment!, you said,
Can’t you see, they’re . . .naked!

Our Christmas crackers had one of those
Mood predicting fish.
Mine, for the seventeenth year running said ‘indifferent’.
When you put yours in your palm
It just lay there
And then dissolved
With a sizzle and a puff of smoke.
Apparently, that means you’re due an overhaul,
According to the little bit of paper.
Are you sure you’re not an android?

Last Thursday we got stuck in a loop.
I love you, Johnny, I purred.
I love you too, you replied.
I love you so much, I whispered.
I love you too, you replied,
You’re the man for me, I said,
I love you too, you replied.
Did you wee on the toilet seat?, I asked.
I love you too, I replied.
Of course, perhaps you were just being
A sarcastic bastard.

But it doesn’t matter, Johnny,
Really it doesn’t.
If you’re an android you’re still my
Significant other
My soul mate, my lover,
In fact I’ve even for a nickname for you,
My Rubber Johnny,
That I might still one day
Look you in the eye and say
. . .and say
. . .and say
. . .and say
. . . error . .
. . .error . . .
System . . .malfunction . .
. . . Imminent . . .error . .
End poem.

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