I’m leaving your crappy little city

I’m leaving your crappy little city
And I’m leaving you behind too
You broke my heart in twain like a thief
And your city has a third rate zoo.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
Of you I have begun to tire.
You’re a treacherous cretin enmeshed in ennui
And your local amenities are dire.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
Leaving your fog bound town
Leaving your cobbles and markets,
You treacherous ferret-faced clown.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
Leaving without further ado
Your Lidls was smaller than others I’ve seen
So you lied about that, too.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
A bomb would only brighten up the place.
Laying flat several hideous eyesores
And the same could be true of your face.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
With its hipsters and fancy boutiques,
I’ll admit I’ll miss a few of your quirks,
The others just gave me the creeps.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
Im leaving, it’s something I relish
The way that you’d wear Wellington boots in bed
Which you assured me was not some strange fetish.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
Walking round every day with an umbrella
And that restaurant we went on our very first date
Has closed down with an outbreak of salmonella.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
Just the sight of it makes my skin crawl
That time we went for a stroll in the park
And ended up in a mass brawl.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
We made out naked in the shower that time.
But then it stopped raining so we caught the bus home,
You see, days like that were just fine.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
The library was closed due to cuts.
Paper cuts, you said, I don’t know, probably,
Health and safety is a pain in the butts.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
It has so many faults I can’t list them.
Though potential invaders would never succeed,
They’d get lost on the towns one way system.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
It’s a place of endless fascination
It has such a rich and diverse culture
Growing on the walls of the bus station.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
I’m leaving on the 7.37
Last night we heard riots and sirens and shouts
And you sighed and said, ahhh, this is heaven.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
To do so I have long anticipated.
I love you, I said, I know, you replied,
And by the way your museum is badly curated.

I’m leaving your crappy little city
Leaving, good bye, that’s that!
And just as the train moves out from the station
I realise I’ve left my door keys at your flat.

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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