Have you ever read the smallprint on a shampoo bottle?

PLAXHORN HAIR CARE SHAMPOO FORMULA XL5 PLUS CONDITIONER

At Plaxhorn we care for your hair!

FOR FINE OR GREASY HAIR

When you use Plaxhorn Hair Care Shanpoo Formula XL5 Plus Conditioner for the first time you will be transported to the deepest forest, to a clear pool by a bubbling stream, where the air is pure and the sunlight full of enriching vitamins , Plaxhorn Hair Care Shampoo Formula XL5 Plus Conditioner has been formulated especially with Jojoba Oil and extracts of wheat germ to leave your hair feeling luxurious. Blends of natural oils cleanse all hair types and remoisturise dry or damaged roots to add a beautiful shine that can stay up to five days after washing.

I doubt if you are reading this, and even if you are I expect no-one cares.

I am being held prisoner in a shampoo factory. This is my only means of communication with the outside world and even now I am petrified that someone is going to find out. Please, somebody out there, answer my message: rescue me from this man-made hell which smells so sweetly of sunflower extract.

The individual needs of every consumer can be met by Plaxhorn Hair Care Shampoo Formula XL5 Plus Conditioner. All of us here at Plaxhorn are proud of our reputation for innovation in the field of shampoo research, and we are so confident that you will be satisfied with our product that we do not even need to offer a money-back guarantee.

They lock me in the electricity cupboard during the day so that I can’t escape and the humming throbbing circuit boards vibrate so loudly that no-one can hear my pleas.

It’s my sister’s fault, Felicity, it’s her who’s behind this. She hates me because I’m her dirty little secret. What can I do, really, though, what can I do? I’m a nobody and she is a shampoo baron, the boss of the Plaxhorn Shampoo Cor corporation . Please rescue me from this herbal essence-soaked purgatory.

DIRECTIONS FOR OPTIMUM USAGE: Wet hair vith shower facility or cup. Apply Plaxhorn Hair Care Shampoo Formula XL5 Plus Conditioner. Gently massage into wet hair and scalp with fingertips,, lather and rinse. You may rinse twice if necessary and feel free to repeat the process. Plaxhorn Hair Care Shampoo Formula XL5 Plus Conditioner is a frequent use shampoo so you may use it as many times as you see fit.

I’m her dirty little secret and I know I’ve said that before, but that’s how I feel. You see, Daddy was going to leave the company to me. When I was a kid he would hold me up so that I could see the big vats of anti-dandruff mixtures and he would say, ‘One day, son, all of this is going to be yours. However, please avoid contact with eyes, as painful stinging may occur. If this occurs, please rinse in tepid water. Contact with ears may result in an inflammation of the inner ear and a consultation with a Doctor may be necessary. Plaxhorn hair Care Shampoo Formula XL5 Plus Conditioner has also shown to be poisonous, so refrain from swallowing. If swallowed, please feel free to call an ambulance.

Biut then I committed the worst crime that a member of this family could have suffered: I went bald. And father, on his death-bed, said How can we promote the positive aspects of our fine range of toiletries and hair care products when even the managing director is as bald as a coot? How can we assure the general public that Plaxhorn Hair Care Shampoo Formula XL5 Plus Conditioner leads to vitality and bounce when the managing director’s head reflects the fluorescent lights of the ceiling above? So Felicity was given the company instead and I was made a bottle capping machine operative.

Remember, Plaxhorn is the last line of defence against scabby-llooking hair!

Except then I kicked up such a stink that she locked me in the electricity cupboard. Some nights I dream of strangling Felicity until her face turns blue and then I assume control of the company in a blaze of publicity, with the newspapers screaming ‘Baldie wins control of shampoo company!” The ultimate in political correctness! But the long hours trapped next to the electricity metre, which spins in a slow silence, and the fuse box which sometimes sparks
and spits like an angry python, have taught me the sense of smallness that emanates from me, the futility of all my actions. Sometimes I sneak to the adjacent cleaner’s cupboard and place a mop upon my head and pretend thatI have hair.

Plaxhorn Hair Care Shampoo Formula XL5 Plus Conditioner contains the following ingredients. Ammoninm Sulfate. Amnonium. Lauryl Sulfate ..

It’s night and they have let me out of the electricity cupboard. I’m in her office now. A big picture of daddy dominates her room. I don’t understand how he had such thick, luscious hair all of his life, right up until the day he died. I have deep suspicions and that is why I am here.

Disodium. Cocani de mipa. Sodium methyl paraben.

I’m looking in drawers and cupboards because I’ve had an exciting tip-off. I heard the other bottle capping machine operatives gossiping and apparently she keeps the evidence in her desk.

Propylene alycol. Benzyl alcohol. Magnesium chloride. Water.

But now I am halted by an absurdity. The world will ask: So what? He’s dead, Felicity’s in control. And where will it get me, eh? I’ll still spend all of tomorrow in the electricity cupboard, even if I did out my own father as a wig-wearer.

Benzophenone 4, Polyquartermine 7.

And now I am leaving her office because I know it’s just not worth it. I shall go back to my cupboard. It’s small, but it’s my world and it’s far less frightening than the world outside the Plaxhorn Factory.

Plaxhorn are against the testing of products on animals.

The postmortem, ah now, there’s a different story altogether. They say he died from shampoo poisoning. He swallowed it. Silly fool, they all said. He washed his hair and he just kept on guzzling that precious nectar. He was in the shower. Swigging from the bottle.

His wig. I’m sure it’s in her drawer. He wore a wig. I’m sure of it.

If you’re reading this, send help. Please, send help.

Author: Robert Garnham

Performance and spoken word artist.

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